Why is it so hard to detach and go nc

[Scopikaz]

It's been two weeks since she's moved out and I have texted her or called her almost daily. She typically responds though In short messages or replies.  Usually nice in tone.  I've called her a couple of times too and those are short but go well too. She clearly is going down the path of going to bars with other singles and not wanting to reconcile or come back

What do most do to go cold turkey?

I keep wondering was it all a lie. Does she ever have remorse or wonder about me. Or does she ever regret leaving or have second thoughts.  It doesn't seem like it.

Sigh. I just need to get over her. Why is it so tough.

[fromheeltoheal]

Do you want a relationship with her?  Does she want one with you?  If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then it's appropriate to keep communicating with her, if not, it's not doing you any good to continue to communicate.

It's painful when we lived with someone and were in a relationship, one we still want and they don't, and it ends, very painful, but the only way out is through, meaning it's best to stop the bleeding, stop communicating with her, the first step in detaching.  Then you will miss her, feel that all the way, process it, whatever it takes, and somewhere in there start focusing on letting go of the hope that you could get back together.  Letting go is simple really, you don't have to do anything much, just let go, but if you're letting go of something you want it's painful, although there is no other way if you're committed to detaching.

You ask why it's so hard.  Great question, lots of growth available in the answer, but you have to actually do it, don't contact her, and then whatever emotions come up for you once you do are the ones that are supposed to; one day you may look back and realize it was a wonderful journey of discovery, but you need to start the journey first, meaning one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[steve195915]

I keep wondering was it all a lie. Does she ever have remorse or wonder about me. Or does she ever regret leaving or have second thoughts.  It doesn't seem like it.

Sigh. I just need to get over her. Why is it so tough.

It's a very common thing when a pwBPD ends the relationship they seem to do it abruptly and with no feelings of remorse or regret and they can just move on to another partner immediately like you never existed.  They do tend to like to keep you as an option so when their new relationship fails, they can return.  Be forwarned, it will repeat again.  The non pwBPD is left devastated with unanswered questions like yours.  They won't give you closure because they want to keep their options open because they fear their next partner will abandon them.  It's tough on us because they are master manipulators, they know how to push our buttons, they can show and make love like you never experienced yet they are able to throw you away at their whim with no pain or remorse. 

I know it's hard but you need to ask yourself if you want to go through being recycled repeatedly?  Don't you deserve better?  Keep busy, do things you like to do and yes feel the pain but let go. 

[C.Stein]

I keep wondering was it all a lie. Does she ever have remorse or wonder about me. Or does she ever regret leaving or have second thoughts.  It doesn't seem like it.

Sigh. I just need to get over her. Why is it so tough.

Four months out and I am still wondering and asking myself the same questions. 

[steve195915]

I keep wondering was it all a lie. Does she ever have remorse or wonder about me. Or does she ever regret leaving or have second thoughts.  It doesn't seem like it.

Sigh. I just need to get over her. Why is it so tough.

Four months out and I am still wondering and asking myself the same questions. 

I think all of us that's been through this always will always feel we have unresolved questions and wonder what really happened, what our exBPD was feeling and thinking. 

They don't give any closure as they need to keep their options open and hate to admit any failure or responsibility.

It would be so much easier if they said something, anything.  If they said they felt they loved you at first but don't feel that way anymore and don't see you in their future, sure it will hurt but we can then know it's over and have closure.  Even if they said it was all a lie and they were just using you we can get over that too.

I just keep telling myself it's their mental illness and it will never make sense.  Hopefully this will eventually help me find peace but I still wonder what they're feeling.  There can never be a rationale reason for them to show so much love one day, and the next dump you with no apparent remorse or pain.  Any explanations you get are to keep you hanging, like they need more time, they need time apart, they were feeling trapped.  And then they may also say they love you too. 

I noticed some people here just think of them as calculating evil people and I guess thats one way to get over them. 

[Scopikaz]

I clearly know I made mistakes along the way. No doubt about it. For my part early on and then at one point later on i was texting female friends I've known since high school or former girlfriend who I still was friends with.  Then I tried to interject into custody issues with the father who has custody of her children.  He was threatening not to let them come last Christmas and I threatened to call him.  Then she moved in and I told her she had blank slate to do stuff in house. Everything she did i loved,but whenever she did something my OCD kicked in and she could tell I wasn't at ease with it at first. Lastly I questioned where we were in relationship. Did we want Same things. Do we have same priorities. Etc and called some people she knew losers for seemingly only wanting to drink and go to clubs at age thirty or forty something.  That's what ended it. 

But I always did things for her. Opened my home and heart up to her and her children and in the end did everything she wanted. 

So i had role. But she definitely fits all the BPD factors. Almost to a tee. Low self esteem. Bad childhood. History of failed marriages or r/s.  Lost her children due to unstable life years ago. Mentioned if it wasn't for children she'd take her life.  Extreme highs with love but lows after disagreements or in the few times more heated arguments i allowed to escalate. Walking out of r/s quickly and not wanting to look back.