Why Can NC Be So Important After These Relationships?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been reflecting on this recently. I've had other relationships in the past where things didn't work out, but they didn't leave me feeling so wounded after the fact. My relationship with my dBPDex-gf simultaneously leaves me wanting to repair these feelings of shame by wanting my relationship with my ex to be... .something. I would like us to be friends, but I think that's just a product of me wanting to believe that I still mean something to her. I think that's a human desire, but I'm glad I haven't indulged it. Because as much as I would like my relationship with my ex to be cool again, I also feel deeply emotionally unsafe when I think about communicating with her, running into her, interacting with her, etc. Part of that is simply that I'm not quite over anything yet (and she's been seeing someone for a while so obviously it's a little painful for me to think about that), and that's okay.

But sometimes I wonder why it's been as long as it has, and I'm still not over everything.

To put things in context, I once felt very strongly for one of my best female friends. We met in high school and stayed great friends through college, etc. I always had those feelings for her but the timing was never right. I eventually worked up the courage to make a move, and... .it didn't work out. It didn't blow up in my face or anything, but she didn't want the same thing. And it was fine. I mean, I was very emotional about it for a hot second, but not only did I eventually move on, but we're still great friends. AND, she eventually met someone she was head over heels about, and she introduced me to him and now he's one of my good friends. He's such an awesome guy.

On the other side of the coin, it's been months since I broke up with my dBPDex-gf, and I still have a hard time running into her and her boyfriend at a party.

Can anyone relate to this/have similar experiences? There's a part of me that feels like I should be just as over this as I was with my friend, but I know I'm not. And I know part of this is because the relationship was different. I was disrespected, unappreciated, and frequently made to feel less than, and my emotions and love were treated with the sacredness they deserved. All of that combines to make me feel some very painful emotions when I encounter my ex.

My ex's behavior during and after the breakup was frequently hurtful or ignorant of my feelings, and that probably contributes.

I guess what I'm getting at is I know maintaining distance and NC from my ex is best for me, but why is it so much more critical after these relationships? Why are they more difficult to make peace with?

[mrwigand]

I've been reflecting on this recently. I've had other relationships in the past where things didn't work out, but they didn't leave me feeling so wounded after the fact. My relationship with my dBPDex-gf simultaneously leaves me wanting to repair these feelings of shame by wanting my relationship with my ex to be... .something. I would like us to be friends, but I think that's just a product of me wanting to believe that I still mean something to her. I think that's a human desire, but I'm glad I haven't indulged it. Because as much as I would like my relationship with my ex to be cool again, I also feel deeply emotionally unsafe when I think about communicating with her, running into her, interacting with her, etc. Part of that is simply that I'm not quite over anything yet (and she's been seeing someone for a while so obviously it's a little painful for me to think about that), and that's okay.

But sometimes I wonder why it's been as long as it has, and I'm still not over everything.

To put things in context, I once felt very strongly for one of my best female friends. We met in high school and stayed great friends through college, etc. I always had those feelings for her but the timing was never right. I eventually worked up the courage to make a move, and... .it didn't work out. It didn't blow up in my face or anything, but she didn't want the same thing. And it was fine. I mean, I was very emotional about it for a hot second, but not only did I eventually move on, but we're still great friends. AND, she eventually met someone she was head over heels about, and she introduced me to him and now he's one of my good friends. He's such an awesome guy.

On the other side of the coin, it's been months since I broke up with my dBPDex-gf, and I still have a hard time running into her and her boyfriend at a party.

Can anyone relate to this/have similar experiences? There's a part of me that feels like I should be just as over this as I was with my friend, but I know I'm not. And I know part of this is because the relationship was different. I was disrespected, unappreciated, and frequently made to feel less than, and my emotions and love were treated with the sacredness they deserved. All of that combines to make me feel some very painful emotions when I encounter my ex.

My ex's behavior during and after the breakup was frequently hurtful or ignorant of my feelings, and that probably contributes.

I guess what I'm getting at is I know maintaining distance and NC from my ex is best for me, but why is it so much more critical after these relationships? Why are they more difficult to make peace with?

[Itstopsnow]

It's so hard to let go, because usually a final BPD breakup means it hit the wall hard! Most of these relationships are toxic almost from the start! Even when they get close to you, it's done in unhealthy ways. And the nastiness usually shows its face pretty earlier on too! They may try to make excuses for it. But if you accept the excuses they will continue to push that envelope until they are in the devaluing stage. Even if you don't complain ever, they'll cheat and lie, because they feel imaginary feelings of abandonment or engulfment . But it feels real to them. We get into these relationships that go from super charged in an exciting way to super charged in a chaotic way. There is never much calmness with one of these people. And it's always your fault, if you had a better temper, a better childhood, if you listened more, or have given them more slack . It wasn't a good relationship period! There may have been moments of fun and you had an attraction to her. But like my ex she likely had that with others behind your back too. It has everything to do with their disorder and illness and nothing to do with you.

[Itstopsnow]

Sorry I forgot to add, NC is best because they will lie anyway. And it will drag you back into that burning house! There is no winning with someone who is a borderline, and has no empathy or caring for your feelings . It's so hard to realize how little we mattered to them when it came down to hard core feelings. Fight or flight! They drop us. But clinged to us when it suited them. They don't deserve to be in our lives causing so much chaos . Life is so short save it for the people that matter to you and that you matter to. No contact removes you from the crazy and you're forced to move on, you'll get there. It may take more time but trust in Fate! Love doesn't feel like this. Be glad you're out. Some people stay their whole life. These people hallmarks are also pathological lying and cheating! Not to be cruel but it's their survival instincts. And of course they are selfish and have no regard for anything but themselves . They are gross

[hashtag_loyal]

Sorry I forgot to add, NC is best because they will lie anyway. And it will drag you back into that burning house!

Why NC? Because how productive can contact possibly be with someone who is constantly lying and trying to manipulate you?

I'm 1 week "de facto" NC myself. I'm willing to be her friend, but only if she is 100% honest with me. She wasn't, so I told her to delete my number. I set a reasonable boundary, and I will hold her to that.

Why is it harder to move on from a pwBPD than from previous relationships? Because your previous exes were -- like you -- trying themselves to move on. They weren't intentionally engaging in the push/pull with you after the split -- behavior that is by design to prevent you from moving on.

You said the thought of communicating with this person makes you "feel deeply emotionally unsafe"? How on earth are you going to make things "cool again" with somebody that makes you feel so unsafe?

Instead of worrying about whether you mean something to your ex, I would recommend cutting her out and making sure that you mean something to yourself. You've suffered enough at this point; it's ok to let go and focus on your own happiness. 

[SandWitch]

 

WHY?  WHY?  WHY? The painful denial.  How could it happen?

At least if we were friends wouldn't that somehow soften the blow, the shock?  I wanted to believe that somehow the 13 months and loving energy I put into the relationship was appreciated and valued.  That I deserved the same - and had somehow been mistaken about what was happening.  That I was really loved.  But the truth is that he did not value me except as an object to meet needs that are bottomless. 

He even said at the end that he is not capable of the level of attachment I "need".  I have been researching psychopaths since someone posted a link here and I believe he is one . . . I saw a psych report that said he had BPD, narcissism, cyclothymia, and possible schizophrenia or MPD. 

There was a recent moment of epiphany - I am not perfect but I am relationship material.  I have many good qualities.  Truth is I came to believe that my value came from him loving me.  But that is not true.  Now it is very important that I learn to value myself.  Love myself.  Stick up for myself.  How can I be friends with someone who lied to me, belittled me, ignored my values and believed I would come around to his way of thinking?  Friendship requires trust - not blind trust - earned through mutual experiences. 

For me no contact is a way to accept that the person he pretended to be is dead - a fantasy - an illusion.  That the dreams he enticed me with were fleeting impulses to him.  No contact is necessary as I build resolve against the self-doubt and anxiety he fostered by gas lighting me in an attempt to make me abandon my core values.  It is sobriety against the way I felt when he idealized me and told me that we were "magic"  What he did whether intentional or instinctual will never be okay. 

[cosmonaut]

NC is massively overplayed here, so don't take NC as some sort of infallible truth that it's the only way to handle the end of the relationship.   Read the forums for a while and you will see that we are usually extremely similar to our exes.  Have you heard the Rolling Stone's track "Paint It Black"?  That's often the Leaving forum.  That's a hard truth, and the reason why it's continuously stressed that we have plenty of work to do on ourselves.

If we had healthier boundaries, patience, communication skills, and acceptance it would be much easier for us to deal with a disordered person.  This is true in life, too.  We all have to interact with difficult people:  friends, family, coworkers.  There is a time and place for all things.  Sometimes it is the best decision (such as abuse) and sometimes it is not.  So, NC is a tool.  It's a choice.  It's not a rule.

[mrwigand]

NC is massively overplayed here, so don't take NC as some sort of infallible truth that it's the only way to handle the end of the relationship.   Read the forums for a while and you will see that we are usually extremely similar to our exes.  Have you heard the Rolling Stone's track "Paint It Black"?  That's often the Leaving forum.  That's a hard truth, and the reason why it's continuously stressed that we have plenty of work to do on ourselves.

If we had healthier boundaries, patience, communication skills, and acceptance it would be much easier for us to deal with a disordered person.  This is true in life, too.  We all have to interact with difficult people:  friends, family, coworkers.  There is a time and place for all things.  Sometimes it is the best decision (such as abuse) and sometimes it is not.  So, NC is a tool.  It's a choice.  It's not a rule.

Yeah, sorry, didn't mean to imply otherwise. It would have been more apt for me to say, "why NC is necessary for ME after this relationship." Indeed, as I was kind of talking out loud earlier in my post, there have been past relationships I've had where NC wasn't a necessary tool.

[cosmonaut]

Yeah, sorry, didn't mean to imply otherwise. It would have been more apt for me to say, "why NC is necessary for ME after this relationship." Indeed, as I was kind of talking out loud earlier in my post, there have been past relationships I've had where NC wasn't a necessary tool.

No worries.  I'm not criticizing you; it's a general observation about Leaving Board as a whole.  I just didn't want you to be under the impression that NC is the only path.

[Learning_curve74]

I guess what I'm getting at is I know maintaining distance and NC from my ex is best for me, but why is it so much more critical after these relationships? Why are they more difficult to make peace with?

Isn't the most important thing in any breakup finding yourself at peace with it ending? That it didn't work out and perhaps both people are better off separating in the end, right? Do you need to be at peace with her to find your own peace?

As mentioned, no contact is not a hard and fast "rule". Some people cannot practice NC because of shared children or property or legal issues. It's a matter of being able to give yourself enough breathing room to start and continue the healing process and self discovery.

[hurting300]

I agree, no contact is very over played, ignoring a situation does not fix it.

[Itstopsnow]

I look at no contact as respecting yourself. Let's be honest, if we are at this forum then we were all abuses, lied to , mistreated and manipulated . Why would you want a person like that in your life at all. I don't think your would encourage a loved one or close friend to stay in contact with someone who held such little regard for them and their feelings. Why would you want to talk and be friends with someone who wasn't your true friend while dating you! Believe me I know it sucks! I held him on just as high a pedestal as he once had me on. I loved my time with him! We laughed so much, got along great when things were good, we just had a blast! He was my entire world . I would of died for that man! Gave him great gifts, took him to great hotels my treat. He paid some attention and I felt so beautiful. But they aren't that person, that's only part of who they are. And chances are they were that person with your replacement too, almost all BPD people have a second relationship by the time they discard you, if not full blown relationship . They are actively dating hard. Let go, it is for you! Not for them! Haven't you done no ugh for her. It only keeps her or him in a place of power. Nothing will change except time! You'll waste more of your time and good years . On a sick individual that won't learn from their mistakes or change and you aren't helping them if you coninute to talk or text or email . I'm not trying to come across mean or cold or indifferent. But I know these behaviors . They seem to almost all follow the same drum in one way or another. I just don't like good people with a lot of love to give get stuck with BPD. If you weren't married or had kids you are lucky!

[hurting300]

It didn't matter that me and my ex had a baby. She still ran away.

[cosmonaut]

I look at no contact as respecting yourself. Let's be honest, if we are at this forum then we were all abuses, lied to , mistreated and manipulated .

I think we need to be careful in over generalizing, which is the point I was making regarding no contact.  There is no one size fits all, because every relationship is unique and every pwBPD is unique.  You certainly have every right to feel that NC is respecting yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.  That is what is right for you and your relationship.  No one can say otherwise.  But don't others have the same right to determine for themselves what is best for their relationship?  This is what I am trying to point out.

I can only speak for my relationship, but my ex isn't guilty of any of the things you mentioned.  Sometimes relationships end for very complex reasons that aren't really the fault of either partner.  Life is just very imperfect, and it turns out that love isn't always enough.  There are so many little pieces that added up to what happened to us.  When I think now of the limitations she was working under, I am amazed at her strength.  Her spirit.  She gave so much, and I never even saw it.  I simply had no idea of what she was struggling with.  And yet she did it anyway.  Without acknowledgement or reward.  Just because.  What truer love could there be?   I was so hung up on what I didn't have, that I missed just how much I already had.  Loss has a way of putting things in perspective like that.

We both made many mistakes, but they were honestly made.  We were two people who gave it our all, who had the best of intentions, but just couldn't make it work.  Of the two of us, my failure is certainly the greater.  So many times she tried to tell me what was wrong and what she needed.  I just didn't hear it.  I kept trying to fix her, because I wanted more.  And that's not love.  I thought it was.  I thought I was helping her.  I thought that when you love someone you rescue them - even from themselves.  But it turns out that's not love at all.  It's just controlling and demeaning.  So many times she pleaded with my to stop fixing her.  I can't say she didn't give me a hundred chances.  I managed to blow them all.  I remember one night having a deep talk with her and asking what I can do to help her and she said with tears in her eyes "You have helped me.  More than you'll ever know.  But you can't fix me.  I just need you to love me.  That's all I need."  What could be more true?

Someday I think you may come to realize that there was more to the story than might be initially apparent.  Relationships are complex things, and when they involve BPD they are so much more so.  Every one as unique as each one of us individually.

[Itstopsnow]

I didn't mean to generalize . But if she is a true BPD then lying and manipulating is a huge component to their make up. Because of their inner a fears of abandonement and engulfment. Maybe she never cheated or did those things to you, but if you're saying it was toxic at some level to where you had to break up . You'll have to decide what you're willing to accept in life, BPD is a serious mental illness. It's not like depression or Anxieties where it will go into remission on its own, or through light therapy. It is part of their make up. Coping skills are affected bc of it. Many say it is a life long struggle at best if they agree and are committed to therapy and meds. But every person is different and their are comorbid in many people when dealing with borderline. Just be careful, bc I kept going back to talking and seeing my ex after our breakup. Until I figured out everything was a total lie, he was cheating so much and who knows how long, I never would of thought he would. They way he was so attentive when we were together and how often we saw each other and even talked on the phone. Hopeful none of that applies to you, but when dealing with BPD all bets are off. They aren't really functioning in our reality. Or they wouldn't have these problems to begin with 

[guy4caligirl]

I look at no contact as respecting yourself. Let's be honest, if we are at this forum then we were all abuses, lied to , mistreated and manipulated .

I think we need to be careful in over generalizing, which is the point I was making regarding no contact.  There is no one size fits all, because every relationship is unique and every pwBPD is unique.  You certainly have every right to feel that NC is respecting yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.  That is what is right for you and your relationship.  No one can say otherwise.  But don't others have the same right to determine for themselves what is best for their relationship?  This is what I am trying to point out.



I can only speak for my relationship, but my ex isn't guilty of any of the things you mentioned.  Sometimes relationships end for very complex reasons that aren't really the fault of either partner.  Life is just very imperfect, and it turns out that love isn't always enough.  There are so many little pieces that added up to what happened to us.  When I think now of the limitations she was working under, I am amazed at her strength.  Her spirit.  She gave so much, and I never even saw it.  I simply had no idea of what she was struggling with.  And yet she did it anyway.  Without acknowledgement or reward.  Just because.  What truer love could there be?   I was so hung up on what I didn't have, that I missed just how much I already had.  Loss has a way of putting things in perspective like that.

We both made many mistakes, but they were honestly made.  We were two people who gave it our all, who had the best of intentions, but just couldn't make it work.  Of the two of us, my failure is certainly the greater.  So many times she tried to tell me what was wrong and what she needed.  I just didn't hear it.  I kept trying to fix her, because I wanted more.  And that's not love.  I thought it was.  I thought I was helping her.  I thought that when you love someone you rescue them - even from themselves.  But it turns out that's not love at all.  It's just controlling and demeaning.  So many times she pleaded with my to stop fixing her.  I can't say she didn't give me a hundred chances.  I managed to blow them all.  I remember one night having a deep talk with her and asking what I can do to help her and she said with tears in her eyes "You have helped me.  More than you'll ever know.  But you can't fix me.  I just need you to love me.  That's all I need."  What could be more true?

Someday I think you may come to realize that there was more to the story than might be initially apparent.  Relationships are complex things, and when they involve BPD they are so much more so.  Every one as unique as each one of us individually.

Cosmonaut

This is one of the best summary that is indeed very true , you have explained it very well .

I have hard time reading some posts , painting our exes blacker than they do paint us .

I think many or I would say most of us regret and would like to go back and give it  a try especially after investing a lot of time reading and learning  about a BPD behaviors .

My ex use to say "I wish I can live a normal day ".

Sometimes just walking into the bedroom and seeing her occupied in detangling a necklace , or rearranging her drawers folding cloths put them back ,smell her cloth for a few seconds and daydream , the little girl inside her was suffering , my empathy at that moment shot through the roof , she did not know what I felt at that moment .

I should have hugged her deeply and assured her that everything is going to be okay , that probably would have meant much more than an expensive gift .

the point I'm getting across is we had something good and at the same time not too good like many relationships we knew something isn't right we constantly  tried to fix it,  "Just love me don't try to fix me " as Cosmo wrote. 

We  lost the patience to deal with it at the time , but knowing what I know now , I would have done things differently .

Ask yourself what would you have done differently after you lost your EX ?

The word replacement is a harsh word to use in my opinion , they left because they have no more feeling for us ,they look or stumble on something different which is  the only way they know how , forgiveness is the key and self criticism is very healthy at this time for us" none " even this word is poorly chosen to describe us  "none", we all have some disfuncthunality don't you  think ! ?

[butterfly15]

I look at no contact as respecting yourself. Let's be honest, if we are at this forum then we were all abuses, lied to , mistreated and manipulated .

I think we need to be careful in over generalizing, which is the point I was making regarding no contact.  There is no one size fits all, because every relationship is unique and every pwBPD is unique.  You certainly have every right to feel that NC is respecting yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.  That is what is right for you and your relationship.  No one can say otherwise.  But don't others have the same right to determine for themselves what is best for their relationship?  This is what I am trying to point out.

I can only speak for my relationship, but my ex isn't guilty of any of the things you mentioned.  Sometimes relationships end for very complex reasons that aren't really the fault of either partner.  Life is just very imperfect, and it turns out that love isn't always enough.  There are so many little pieces that added up to what happened to us.  When I think now of the limitations she was working under, I am amazed at her strength.  Her spirit.  She gave so much, and I never even saw it.  I simply had no idea of what she was struggling with.  And yet she did it anyway.  Without acknowledgement or reward.  Just because.  What truer love could there be?   I was so hung up on what I didn't have, that I missed just how much I already had.  Loss has a way of putting things in perspective like that.

We both made many mistakes, but they were honestly made.  We were two people who gave it our all, who had the best of intentions, but just couldn't make it work.  Of the two of us, my failure is certainly the greater.  So many times she tried to tell me what was wrong and what she needed.  I just didn't hear it.  I kept trying to fix her, because I wanted more.  And that's not love.  I thought it was.  I thought I was helping her.  I thought that when you love someone you rescue them - even from themselves.  But it turns out that's not love at all.  It's just controlling and demeaning.  So many times she pleaded with my to stop fixing her.  I can't say she didn't give me a hundred chances.  I managed to blow them all.  I remember one night having a deep talk with her and asking what I can do to help her and she said with tears in her eyes "You have helped me.  More than you'll ever know.  But you can't fix me.  I just need you to love me.  That's all I need."  What could be more true?

my ex was cheating on me with multiple people and lied. He continued to be selfish and only do him. He was affectionate when he wanted. Not when I always wanted or needed. I would have done anything for him as well. He told me he was mentally ill. Agreed to seek help. Came from a family history of mental illness. Of course I tried to fix him. He told me over and over again "you want me to be something I am not" I guess this meant he couldn't be in a committed monogamous relationship. Although that is what he told me multiple times made me believe him and continued to cheat! This was so painful. So painful that I am really trying not to contact him. It has been 3 weeks and he hasn't bothered to contact me either. Instead he has been active on online dating. He wanted me to be sweet and caring and love him. That's what he needed. How do you do that when someone continues to disrespect and hurt you? Why should they deserve that?

[cosmonaut]

I didn't mean to generalize . But if she is a true BPD then lying and manipulating is a huge component to their make up. Because of their inner a fears of abandonement and engulfment. Maybe she never cheated or did those things to you, but if you're saying it was toxic at some level to where you had to break up . You'll have to decide what you're willing to accept in life, BPD is a serious mental illness. It's not like depression or Anxieties where it will go into remission on its own, or through light therapy. It is part of their make up. Coping skills are affected bc of it. Many say it is a life long struggle at best if they agree and are committed to therapy and meds. But every person is different and their are comorbid in many people when dealing with borderline. Just be careful, bc I kept going back to talking and seeing my ex after our breakup. Until I figured out everything was a total lie, he was cheating so much and who knows how long, I never would of thought he would. They way he was so attentive when we were together and how often we saw each other and even talked on the phone. Hopeful none of that applies to you, but when dealing with BPD all bets are off. They aren't really functioning in our reality. Or they wouldn't have these problems to begin with 

I understand the emotion of where you are coming from.  You've been terribly hurt, and you are trying to warn others against being hurt in the way that you were.  It's important to share our experiences, and there's nothing wrong with suggesting a course of action for others.

However, some of what you are saying is not correct.  I imagine what has happened is something that is very common here.  Often people learn about BPD, do an internet search to learn more, and wind up on some sites with very bad information.  There is, unfortunately, a cottage industry of those who spread misinformation about BPD and make a living in telling partners and former partners of pwBPD what they want to hear (it's all their fault, you're an innocent victim, aren't they just horrible people?).  I don't blame you or any other members for this.  It's entirely the fault of these pretend experts.  bpdfamily is different, and I believe important.  bpdfamily is clinically based.  It seeks to understand the disorder in an objective, holistic way.  We have all sorts of members here: parents, siblings, friends, lovers, and also those of us on Leaving who are former lovers.  The only way to address such a diverse population is to try as best we can to stick to what we know about the disorder.  The Leaving Board sometimes tends to form these feedback cycles of reinforcing misinformation to each other, and ultimately that's destructive to our healing.

On Leaving we are seeking to heal from our relationship.  There is a lot of pain and anger here.  Necessarily so.  Most of us here have been terribly hurt and are in deep grief.  Some of us are legitimately traumatized.  It takes time to work through these things.  But after that, there comes a time when we need start looking at ourselves and the role we had in the relationship.  And every one of us had a role in the relationship.  It's impossible otherwise.  This is actually where a tremendous amount of healing is done, and this is the critical piece that allows us to go on to healthier, happier, more fulfilling relationships.  I can't say I've finished the journey, but I think I can look back over the past two years and see how I've passed through a lot of different terrain.  I'm not the person who arrived here absolutely broken and feeling that I had been the victim of a terrible injustice.  I no longer think any of that.  Indeed, I think that my ex made the best decision she could.  It really was the best decision for her well being.  It was a decision that has hurt me immensely, but I understand now that she had very valid reasons for leaving.  I was causing her immense pain.  I didn't mean to, of course, but the fact remains that I was.  She had to escape that.  Yes, she is a disordered person.  But not a monster.  Not even a bad person.  She's a wonderful person.  Would this have happened if she didn't have BPD?  Probably not.  But if this hadn't happened, then I never would have seen all of these things about myself.

[SandWitch]

I think we need to be careful in over generalizing, which is the point I was making regarding no contact.  There is no one size fits all, because every relationship is unique and every pwBPD is unique.  You certainly have every right to feel that NC is respecting yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.  That is what is right for you and your relationship.  No one can say otherwise.  But don't others have the same right to determine for themselves what is best for their relationship?  This is what I am trying to point out.

I can see what you are saying, cosmonaut. Each case is different.  Mine was very severe.  Yes, some of it due to my willingness to accept at face value without fact-finding. Also, my co-dependent caretaker.  But after reading about  triangulation and gas lighting I get what was happening.  This isn't about painting black and white.  At the end he said that I would never trust him enough to have an open relationship where he could take all the "candy" that fell into his lap!  Before I moved in (SIGH without getting to know him well enough) I was VERY clear about my monogamous values.  

Each BPD is different.  But if someone actively and regularly deceives you, cheats on you, belittles you, [insert other toxic behaviors here] distance is the answer NC can help clear your head and re-establish a sense of self. Especially, until you learn to trust yourself.  Until you identify your values and boundaries and are willing to lose "love" to be true to you.  If your relationship with this person was a dance of control to change you or meet another need, no contact seems like a good idea.  At least until you learn to dance to the rhythm of your soul.  

I will allow emails and texts but avoid person to person as I am not strong enough at this point.  Emails and texts can be put aside and do not elicit immediate reaction.  He has not made one attempt or inquiry about how I am doing - even though I told him that texts/emails are okay.  My co-dependent did not want to "unfriend" him on FB.  When I posted that I felt myself again and had gone for a walk, he posted saying how wonderful I was, wishing me the best, and calling me "Baby".  

Some would say "how sweet - isn't he a nice guy?" But I know how important image is to him (professionally diagnosed narcissist, BPD, self-proclaimed attention junkie).  The post was form of damage control to his image. I don't talk about the specifics of my relationship on FB past "we are splitting up and I will be off-line til I get settled".  I have had to adjust my settings so that he cannot see my posts.  Anything he has to say to me personally should take place via texts or emails.

Is that a personal boundary?   

Yes, I am sorry about his FOO.  Yes, I am sorry that his illness limits him BUT it hurts others.  Yes I need to become stronger and then he never would have looked at me twice.    Note: I asked him to come to counseling so WE could get better. EMPHATIC NOPE.

It is good that there is a forum where options and viewpoints can be discussed.  One size does not fit all.  No one can tell us what is right for us - only ask questions that might reveal an answer and share experiences.  We have to claim our Self.  

[ScotisGone74]

Yes each relationship was different.   Each exBPD is different.  But I do believethat the more we hold onto the guilt of what WE could have done better, how we fell short for them, how WE didnt live up to their expectations... .the longer we will stay stuck trying to relive the relationship in our minds, and all the what ifs and could haves, its not a healthy place to be, it just keeps us trying to hold onto the fantasy.     Honestly the majority of us on here did the very best we could for our exBPD s at the time and with the information we  had atvailable.    But guess what, it just wasnt good enough, and fully accepting that may take some time.