How can I still be missing him?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm so upset with myself. I've been posting a lot lately . This is the longest in 20 months that we haven't had contact 19 days! He did horrible things. I didn't find out the whole horrible truth till Nov. 11th. So I guess it will take time. But how can I still have any feelings for this jerk! He cheated on me out whole relationship , having a girlfriend this whole summer. He was being much meaner this summer and abusive . We ended on August 28th with him spitting in my face literally! He said that this summer we struggled because I gave up trying. Please he is such a hypocrite! He was cheating all summer! He got mad at me for joining e harmony when we broke up. He screamed at me for it, while he was on during our whole relationship! Even after he spit in my face I talked to him and allowed him to continue to use and abuse me. It actually seemed as we continued to talk and hang out on in October, while he was in his other relationship which I didn't know. (The one he was cheating me on, now he was cheating on her with me) he became more irrational and out of control when I would see him. It was worse than when we were dating. He would hang out with me and threaten to leave me in Atanitc city (he was gambling so much at the end) with me and his other girlfriend . He threatened to throw water in my face when we were at a hotel, and threatened to spit in my face, but then 20 minutes later saying we should stay one more night at the hotel together. Has anyone experienced really crazy behavior after the break up but before the recycle . He didn't want to date again yet, but was asking me to date him in a couple of months. Once we tried to date others. Little did I know he was dating all along. I should feel free or the chaos and drama. But part of me is still mourning having contact with this selfish manipulative using deceitful jerkoff. There is no good in him, what I saw at the end was truly who he is and how he acts. I have to remember that

[Itstopsnow]

I'm so upset with myself. I've been posting a lot lately . This is the longest in 20 months that we haven't had contact 19 days! He did horrible things. I didn't find out the whole horrible truth till Nov. 11th. So I guess it will take time. But how can I still have any feelings for this jerk! He cheated on me out whole relationship , having a girlfriend this whole summer. He was being much meaner this summer and abusive . We ended on August 28th with him spitting in my face literally! He said that this summer we struggled because I gave up trying. Please he is such a hypocrite! He was cheating all summer! He got mad at me for joining e harmony when we broke up. He screamed at me for it, while he was on during our whole relationship! Even after he spit in my face I talked to him and allowed him to continue to use and abuse me. It actually seemed as we continued to talk and hang out on in October, while he was in his other relationship which I didn't know. (The one he was cheating me on, now he was cheating on her with me) he became more irrational and out of control when I would see him. It was worse than when we were dating. He would hang out with me and threaten to leave me in Atanitc city (he was gambling so much at the end) with me and his other girlfriend . He threatened to throw water in my face when we were at a hotel, and threatened to spit in my face, but then 20 minutes later saying we should stay one more night at the hotel together. Has anyone experienced really crazy behavior after the break up but before the recycle . He didn't want to date again yet, but was asking me to date him in a couple of months. Once we tried to date others. Little did I know he was dating all along. I should feel free or the chaos and drama. But part of me is still mourning having contact with this selfish manipulative using deceitful jerkoff. There is no good in him, what I saw at the end was truly who he is and how he acts. I have to remember that

[Joem678]

Because you do love him.  Only BPDs can turn the switch from one sec to the next I guess.  Hang in there.  We tend to love them more than we would in a healthy relationship.  It's almost an obsession.  How long was the relationship?

[JohnLove]

What you have posted is pretty deplorable behaviour. Your last two sentences seem honest.

You just need your heart to catch up with your head.

Wait for it... .

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you both! I wouldn't treat a stranger or even an enemy the ways he treated me, and to find out he was cheating all the time on top of that, makes me feel so worthless to him. I would never be able to verbally abuse and cheat on someone that was giving me unconditional love. I was dating him 18 months but we kept in contact and seeing each other 20 months

[Beach_Babe]

I think its normal to miss him. You invested a lot into this relationship and got burned badly. I know it hurts, and My heart breaks you are struggling. It sounds like he is projecting his misdeeds onto you, which is very unfair.

who initiated NC?

[butterfly15]

I think its normal to miss him. You invested a lot into this relationship and got burned badly. I know it hurts, and My heart breaks you are struggling. It sounds like he is projecting his misdeeds onto you, which is very unfair.

who initiated NC?

I feel when I have gone back thru some of the text mesages that my ex sent it was almost as the things he was saying about me were actually about him? Hurtful mean things that really described his behavior not mine. It had been 3 weeks of NC. Neither of us have tried to contact one another. I do miss him. Sadly enough.

[Skip]

The holiday season affects us, too.

[CollateralDamage]

Yes, please remember it is like an addiction.  The more they push/pulled, instilled drama, and  invoked your emotions the greater your addiction became.  I am at 5 weeks today since my last contact.  She cheated, lied, played on my emotions, hell... .even used her kids in the game.  I was broken and stilled craved her attention... .especially due to the cheating.  I really felt like this other guy WON her, that I was worthless and had no value to her or anyone.  Then, one morning I snapped out of it.  I decided FOR ME, that I would never let this person have the opportunity to hurt me again. Never.  And that was it.   I never looked back, never stalked, never wondered what she was doing or where she was heading.  I just didn't and couldn't care anymore.  I did my best with her, I gave her my all and was about ready to risk losing it all to keep her... .why would a normal person risk everything for a cheater?  Yeah... .that is how sick I was.  I say all this to keep you looking forward not backwards.  

Look, if you meant something to them they would have made the right choices.  No choice is still a choice.  I know you may feel like contact, but don't do it.  I know you feel that you miss them, but really think if you miss them or the ACT they were putting on to get you addicted.  Try to seek out within yourself if you miss the relationship vs the person.  I believe we honestly miss the drama since it makes us people that like helping feel very much needed.  But guess what, we deep down want to be loved and shown that rather than NEEDED.  You said it yourself that you would not treat your worst enemy like this... .so what does that tell you about what was going on in his mind?  Put yourself on a pedestal a bit... .you deserve better and will get better.  Think of it this way... .you are preventing the RIGHT person from entering your life by wasting time on this mentally ill person.  I found it best to counter each thought you are having with a negative each time. You sometimes have to make them a complete demon in your mind to get moving forward so you can find that person that is out there waiting on you

Hope it helps a bit.

[SandWitch]

There are things I still hold tender about the ex.  But "the person" that he is is fragmented, shallow, insincere, dishonesty.  The person that I loved was a manifestation. Mirroring.  Playing a role.  The real person cannot be trusted with my heart.  LOL. The "evil" twin killed the "good" twin - so to speak.  Part of him loved me - he was fragmented and he said how one would watch another and be screaming "stop".  

When we ended it - at one point he was crying and his face had a child like quality (he honestly had several faces) "I am losing my best friend." he cried. I hugged him - he really sounded like a child at that moment.  But there are other facets that are quite mean - enjoying cheating on a spouse, smug about deceiving people, despises people . . . list goes on.  

You miss the part you loved - some doppleganger is in his place.  It is okay - there are some tools here and the one that has helped me the most is accept that much of it was a fantasy -- not stable and not sustainable.  Still working on that.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all so much! I took many wonderful words of wisdom from each response! I feel When we nons go through this we actually become better people than the average. We've been abused, used, manipulated , lied to, and we are still here trying to help each other! That is great! We didn't get bitter but we are getting better. Maybe when the right person comes along, they will cherish us the way we cherish when we love. I hope one day to be able to just pray for him. And detach with indifference . No anger. Just peace. Realizing that what happened was beyond us and we made it through to the other side