Envious of replacement idealization phase

[Depression = 72% of members]

While I am now well aware that pwBPD will most likely never changes especially without seeking professional help, I still cannot seem to let go that someone else is currently enjoying the idealization phase right now with my pwBPDex :'( I tried so hard to get that part back for a long time. Now I know it would never and can never happen. It's simply not how they are wired. While I wish this pain on no one I still have a little envy. I know the next phase will come sooner or later. It will not be pleasant.

[butterfly15]

While I am now well aware that pwBPD will most likely never changes especially without seeking professional help, I still cannot seem to let go that someone else is currently enjoying the idealization phase right now with my pwBPDex :'( I tried so hard to get that part back for a long time. Now I know it would never and can never happen. It's simply not how they are wired. While I wish this pain on no one I still have a little envy. I know the next phase will come sooner or later. It will not be pleasant.

[Wu-tang]

I was privy to conversations that my pwBPD was having with my replacement as well as with her friends regarding him. My ex told my replacement she thought he had "really nice eyes" and was sending him pictures of Paris (something we talked about) all within a fortnight of meeting him. Identical behaviour to when we started seeing each other (except I've got nice lips apparently ).

She was telling her friends that the sex between them was amazing and that she couldn't stop thinking about him. Again, almost word for word with what she had said to me.

At first this, especially the sex chat, was excruciatingly painful to read and conjured up all sorts of unpleasant images in my mind. I was envious. How was he getting everything she had promised to me? I was gutted.

But then I realised (and it's taken me a while) that it isn't personal. And by that same token she didn't mean what she said to me and therefore doesn't mean what she says to him. It's a pattern of behaviour that was around long before we were on the scene and is destined to be repeated long after the replacement is discarded.

There's a natural propensity to feel inadequate when you are replaced. Your inner demons of self-worth are brought bubbling to the surface - "Maybe I just didn't deserve them?", "Maybe I couldn't give them what they wanted?" or "What if they're so much happier with this replacement?". It's natural to have doubts and analyse things at the end of ANY relationship. However, with BPD there is this uncanny ability to transfer their feelings of self-loathing onto the non. This is called Counter-Transference and is not based on any solid fact, rather emotion.

My ex met my replacement on Tinder, of all places, and on reflection had been speaking to him a week or so before we split. She met him, as far as I know, 3 times and is now saying everything I mentioned above. I'm not saying you can't just connect with someone but given her past behaviour and everything I know about her, I would say this is EXTREMELY unlikely. Besides, I have a slight incling that the replacement may not be working out as much as she'd have liked it to. But that's only conjecture... .

Keep hammering this idea into your brain:

Without support pwBPD will NEVER get better. The Replacement (despite how rosy it may look) will succumb to the same devaluation as you did. Be thankful you have been given a reprieve and can now build yourself up and start seeing through the FOG.

[butterfly15]

Without support pwBPD will NEVER get better. The Replacement (despite how rosy it may look) will succumb to the same devaluation as you did. Be thankful you have been given a reprieve and can now build yourself up and start seeing through the FOG.

Thank you!

[antelope]

always remember this: the idealization phase coincides with the upheaval of the previous failed relationship

in other words, while they were gushing over us at the beginning, they were also silently suffering the terrible grief and loss of their recently failed relationship... .

we believe its rainbows and unicorns, b/c on the surface it is... .beneath that they are just trying desperately to ERASE the person before us... .

the idealization phase is ours, not theirs... .they are simply doing whatever they can to 'move on' at the expense of their own personal growth... .

they are the masters of never dealing with anything... .they simply replace their problems by creating new ones!

[troisette]

Wise comments - thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Consider this: you go out partying with your friends, one bar after the other, a pub crawl, the night never ends, drink after drink, you say inappropriate things and it doesn't matter, you get too drunk to drive and take an Uber home, no pain, great times.

Then you wake up in the morning feeling like death, every little sound hurts like hell, your head is throbbing, you have to go get your car, it got towed, another Uber across town and lots of cash, someone you said something to drunk is pissed off and calls to confront you.  Make it all go away, FML!  And you won't feel 'normal' physically for a few days.

Imagine your replacement at that party, blissful glee and oblivion, you know what's next, she doesn't.  Party down gal, enjoy it while it lasts... .

[once removed]

hey butterfly15  

the thing is, every romantic relationship has an idealization phase. itd be nice to stay in forever, but thats unsustainable. with time and intimacy, a relationship grows; that hardly has to mean at a loss of love, but we know our partners better at this point, flaws and all.

having said that, a criteria of BPD is a history of chaotic personal relationships. in a romantic relationship, a pwBPD desperately wants to sustain that idealization phase. with time and intimacy, the relationship grows more chaotic. our BPD exes have great difficulty loving another "flaws and all" because of, among other things, dichotomous, black and white thinking.

theres no way for us to know how our exes next relationship will play out; it is torturing yourself to imagine, but its understandable and normal that we do. i know that it hurts to feel replaced; you are not replaceable  . i found it helped to remember why my relationship ended.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle 

[SummerStorm]

It definitely is tough, but it does help to remember what follows (devaluation).  As once_removed wrote, every relationship has an idealization phase.  I would even argue that new friendships have an idealization phase.  New people, just like new hobbies, are fun and exciting.  But eventually, we realize that not everything is perfect.  The difference between a normal relationship and a relationship with a pwBPD is that the pwBPD just can't seem to overlook the flaws that they eventually discover.  One of my newest friends is a great girl.  She is funny, bubbly, and empathetic.  That being said, she has terrible money management skills, goes after guys who are a lot older than her, and has a tendency to make rash decisions.  Do I verbally abuse her or give her the silent treatment because of these flaws?  No, of course not.  And she doesn't do this to me in response to my many flaws. 

I've seen this pattern play out multiple times with my pwBPD.  Last December, she was idealizing her boyfriend at the time and was telling him how handsome he was on Facebook.  He was posting things about how she made him feel like a king.  By January, she was snapping at him for posting every detail about their relationship (he posted how he'd beaten her at Words with Friends, of all things).  Then, she posted a passive aggressive comment on one of his posts.  She changed her profile pic to one of just her.  He broke up with her two days later.  She also ended their friendship.  Then, when he posted about losing his best friend, she replied that he should have considered that before entering into a relationship with her. 

Less than two weeks later, she was idealizing that guy's replacement.  This was early February.  By March, she was also idealizing me and was occasionally making slightly negative comments about her boyfriend.  By April, she was devaluing him.  A few weeks later, she started devaluing me.  Within three months, we were both out of the picture.

The next guy didn't last long because he cheated on her, apparently.  But it was the same thing in the beginning. "Oh, look at me and my 'bae' at a restaurant!  "

The most recent guy is getting major idealization right now.  He's being called 'handsome' (the same thing she calls every guy), she's posting things about how amazing he is.  She posts pictures of them at least once a week.  But eventually, he will do something that makes her mad, and the devaluation will begin again. 

[SummerStorm]

I was privy to conversations that my pwBPD was having with my replacement as well as with her friends regarding him. My ex told my replacement she thought he had "really nice eyes" and was sending him pictures of Paris (something we talked about) all within a fortnight of meeting him. Identical behaviour to when we started seeing each other (except I've got nice lips apparently ).

She was telling her friends that the sex between them was amazing and that she couldn't stop thinking about him. Again, almost word for word with what she had said to me.

At first this, especially the sex chat, was excruciatingly painful to read and conjured up all sorts of unpleasant images in my mind. I was envious. How was he getting everything she had promised to me? I was gutted.

But then I realised (and it's taken me a while) that it isn't personal. And by that same token she didn't mean what she said to me and therefore doesn't mean what she says to him. It's a pattern of behaviour that was around long before we were on the scene and is destined to be repeated long after the replacement is discarded.

It really is like they follow a script.  And it's interesting that you mention how your ex brought up Paris with your replacement.  In January, mine asked her boyfriend to buy her a Pokemon game for Valentine's Day.  By the time that day rolled around, she was with a new guy.  And guess what he bought her?  A Pokemon game.  When she was considering leaving that guy's replacement for me, she asked if we could visit her parents and go to video game conventions.  I said absolutely.  When she stayed with him and then decided to move with him to live with her parents, she posted about how they were going to go to video game conventions. 

The new guy has already been asked to buy her some kind of Pokemon related toy for Christmas.  If she doesn't get it from him, she'll probably get it from his replacement. 

[Climbmountains91]

My ex seems to idolise 'friend/friends' not so much relationships that i know of. At the moment though it sounds childish i'm extremely envious of this friend his idolising getting all the attention its more painful because this time last year though it was FAKE i was being kinda idolised and i miss it all, i miss our days out, its not the same, it sucks to be honest. Yesterday my BPDEX said ''Y has split up with his girlfriend so means he can spend more time with me'' I was like (in my head) man your not supposed to be happy about that, WTH, jeez. I wish his new friend would bugger off. 

[Creativum]

While I am now well aware that pwBPD will most likely never changes especially without seeking professional help, I still cannot seem to let go that someone else is currently enjoying the idealization phase right now with my pwBPDex :'( I tried so hard to get that part back for a long time. Now I know it would never and can never happen. It's simply not how they are wired. While I wish this pain on no one I still have a little envy. I know the next phase will come sooner or later. It will not be pleasant.

I feel your pain.  I absolutely do!  And I don't mean to sound uncaring or unkind here but ... .

If you were a heroin addict, you'd be envious of watching others enjoy that first euphoric rush, too.  Such is the experience of the addict (non-BPD partner) in recovery.  In the long run, you are SO much better of without it, and, like all of us here, one day you will wish you had never tried that stuff in the first place. 

[SummerStorm]

Just keep telling yourself that it never lasts.  Three days ago, I posted about how my pwBPD's new guy was being idealized.  That same day, he posted a message to her on Facebook and she gave a very cutesy reply.  Today, she's back on Tinder. 

[Kelli Cornett]

Consider this: you go out partying with your friends, one bar after the other, a pub crawl, the night never ends, drink after drink, you say inappropriate things and it doesn't matter, you get too drunk to drive and take an Uber home, no pain, great times.

Then you wake up in the morning feeling like death, every little sound hurts like hell, your head is throbbing, you have to go get your car, it got towed, another Uber across town and lots of cash, someone you said something to drunk is pissed off and calls to confront you.  Make it all go away, FML!  And you won't feel 'normal' physically for a few days.

Imagine your replacement at that party, blissful glee and oblivion, you know what's next, she doesn't.  Party down gal, enjoy it while it lasts... .

Agreed

[butterfly15]

While I am now well aware that pwBPD will most likely never changes especially without seeking professional help, I still cannot seem to let go that someone else is currently enjoying the idealization phase right now with my pwBPDex :'( I tried so hard to get that part back for a long time. Now I know it would never and can never happen. It's simply not how they are wired. While I wish this pain on no one I still have a little envy. I know the next phase will come sooner or later. It will not be pleasant.

thank you! That helps to look at it that way.

I feel your pain.  I absolutely do!  And I don't mean to sound uncaring or unkind here but ... .

If you were a heroin addict, you'd be envious of watching others enjoy that first euphoric rush, too.  Such is the experience of the addict (non-BPD partner) in recovery.  In the long run, you are SO much better of without it, and, like all of us here, one day you will wish you had never tried that stuff in the first place. 

[homefree]

I'm in the same situation. I got replaced basically as our relationship was ending.

Part of me obviously hopes it all turns to shyeet for them, but the non-messed up side of me sees how obviously selfish and childish that is. If I had actual feelings of love for this person, I would hope she finds what she is looking for and is happy. It's obvious that the part that doesn't want this to happen (the powerful, emotional part) only wants back the needs it is missing, regardless of how it happens. That's not love. I don't love her. I love that drug that she gave me. She was the dealer.

So now she's dealing to a new partner. And of course I'm envious. Actually, this drug-dealer analogy works so perfectly for me that it's helping me feel better about the situation. Wow. Now I'm actually starting to hope the new guy can get out before becoming addicted. That feels healthier than wishing the both of them misery.

[Learning Fast]

I would echo many of the previous comments and add the following:

Time +Distance = Objectivity + Clarity

As time goes on you will realize that this similar to the movie "Groundhog's Day".  It is a cycle that repeats itself over and over again. Without treatment/therapy it will not change and your replacement is in for the surprise and disappointment of a her/his romantic life. It will end badly and thankfully you'll be a spectator as opposed to a participant.

[butterfly15]

It will end badly and thankfully you'll be a spectator as opposed to a participant.

I felt so much better after reading these words!

[Climbmountains91]

I'm meeting the "pedalstaller" first time tomorrow. In my head "hoping your having fun up there". 

[Learning Fast]

Butterfly,

My pleasure.  I've followed your posts and you have definitely been thru quite a bit.  Remember that you are stronger, more resourceful and have much to to offer than what you have been led to believe.  Don't let your ex personify you.

LF

[butterfly15]

Butterfly,

My pleasure.  I've followed your posts and you have definitely been thru quite a bit.  Remember that you are stronger, more resourceful and have much to to offer than what you have been led to believe.  Don't let your ex personify you.

LF

thank you

[Climbmountains91]

Really feeling envious today and finding it painful as I met the "idolised" friend today. Literally joined at the hip and him treating me like I'm just one of his followers and getting the cold shoulder argh!   

[C.Stein]

Really feeling envious today and finding it painful as I met the "idolised" friend today. Literally joined at the hip and him treating me like I'm just one of his followers and getting the cold shoulder argh!   

I'm also having some issues today due to a dream I had.  I guess part of what I am feeling is envy, but most of it is anger ... .then sorry ... .then hate ... .then guilt ... .ARGH!

[Climbmountains91]

Really feeling envious today and finding it painful as I met the "idolised" friend today. Literally joined at the hip and him treating me like I'm just one of his followers and getting the cold shoulder argh!   

I'm also having some issues today due to a dream I had.  I guess part of what I am feeling is envy, but most of it is anger ... .then sorry ... .then hate ... .then guilt ... .ARGH!

That sucks    know the feelings to well so your not alone on that one. I just want to scream in ex BPD face about this idolisation but did have a part of me thinking "oh new idolised friend, so naive, you have it all to come". Am I evil ugh