Can their apologies be sincere?

[Depression = 72% of members]

During the course of my relationship with my ex, I ended up getting apologies multiple times after she would cut me out of her life, whether it be a few hours, or months.

Most of the time, they would be over the top and would usually not specify what she did that she was apologizing for. It would usually go like this:

You probably hate me right now. Is there anything I could do that would make us okay again? I have done things that I could be more sorry for than you could ever imagine.

My question is, even though I see that she was trying to get me to talk to her. Is she actually sorry about anything? Are they away of what damage they have inflicted on us nons?

[Schermarhorn]

During the course of my relationship with my ex, I ended up getting apologies multiple times after she would cut me out of her life, whether it be a few hours, or months.

Most of the time, they would be over the top and would usually not specify what she did that she was apologizing for. It would usually go like this:

You probably hate me right now. Is there anything I could do that would make us okay again? I have done things that I could be more sorry for than you could ever imagine.

My question is, even though I see that she was trying to get me to talk to her. Is she actually sorry about anything? Are they away of what damage they have inflicted on us nons?

[Joem678]

What is the longest she has cut you out?  I do believe they are sincere, I know my wife was but I think they put that feeling away immediately. 

[Schermarhorn]

What is the longest she has cut you out?  I do believe they are sincere, I know my wife was but I think they put that feeling away immediately. 

Currently at 3 months, which is the longest. The longest before this was about 2 months.

[Joem678]

This is just from my experience.  I didn't know about BPD before our breakup.  Years ago, when I discovered how horrible she spoke about me, we had a conversation about it.  it wasn't an argument.  I just questioned her motives and she broke down with me hysterically telling me "I don't know baby.  I don't know why I do that."  And she would cry with me for a while.  One of the few times I saw this emotion.  Then, the next day, it was as if nothing happened and she was at it again.  So, I did see her sincerity. But I had to really dig for it.

[CollateralDamage]

Personally, I don't think they mean "sorry" as you think.  Sorry, from my own experience, really meant "I need you for something at this moment in time. Hell, mine about choked having to say "sorry"... .not part of the vocabulary really.  But I will be completely honest with you... .you should think twice/three times about WHY they are coming back. Keep these paranoid thoughts in your mind when you want to bite the apple again:

1). back to vindicate the hurt you caused them (even if they dumped you)

2). back to monkey branch to you (someone else in the picture behind the scenes)... .plan b might be you

3). back to cause you harm (triangulation at its worst... .especially if the other guy/girl believes the BPD)

4). out for revenge (my last recycle gave me indications of this... .)

5). back to NEED something from you (money, gifts, doormat, emotional etc)

6). fear of being alone

Notice that love and compassion was not part of any of those options.  Just keep this in mind.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I do think they mean it.  However, since pwBPD can't tolerate feelings of guilt or shame very long, once you forgive them and they can move on, that feeling gets locked up somewhere and forgotten.

My ex once told me, "With me, the past is the past, and I don't talk about it anymore."  I think this was his way of insulating himself against bad things he had done in the past and making sure they wouldn't come up again.  He just told himself that things that happened a while ago were irrelevant, and he chose to live in the moment without guilt.  Remember that emotions like guilt (or shame, in the case of pwBPD) are much more intense than in other people, so feeling bad about what they've done may make them feel almost suicidal.  Their brain shuts those things out as a matter of survival.  Once those emotions are locked up, they can't learn from them or grow.  That's why, even after an apology, you're bound to see the same thing happen again later.

[Climbmountains91]

In my experience, NO!

Mine wouldn't even acknowledge if there was anything he could do or I'm so sorry for what I said or did, non of that. He did once tell a lie, when I didn't know he had BPD, he was supposed to show up for a maternity class and said how much of a ___ boyfriend he was and just this passionate text which felt genuine, obviously I don't want him to think he was ___ but it just felt as I said genuine.  But most of the time, Its a brush off ''oh I'm sorry anyway''. I take no notice of it now. 0% empathy for anything. His a child emotionally he cant deal with that intense shiz. Its excuses aswell, like after wed just had our daughter ''oh I need to get home and shower, I need food because ive been living on hospital pasty's and he lived 70 miles away, my mum even offered for him to stay at hers but no, that would be his worst nightmare. Ok like one and your daughter was born literally 10 mins ago. Sorry ranting.

[Lonely_Astro]

Can they be sincere?  I'm not 100% sure.  I think they may mean it, but not in an empathic way.  Mine had two different ways to say "sorry".  When she was being dismissive, she would say "I know, I'm sorry" or simply "sorry".  The other time, when I felt some sincerity to it she would say sorry, but it had a different tone to it.  I think it was in those moments she was feeling sorry for herself, not for me.  But, when I trespassed on her, there was no saying sorry enough to fix it.

In the end, I think the lack of empathy is what makes "sorry" impossible for them (as far as when we say sorry, we see it from the point of view of those we wronged, where they see it as a trespass against them, not us... .if that makes sense).

[butterfly15]

Once in our r/s when my ex gave me the ST for almost 2 weeks he came and was apologizing, pleading and crying for us to be ok and give it our all. I believed he was sincere at that moment. However, no I think I may have been recycled. He admitted to having sex with someone else during that time and seemed really upset with himself that he hurt and disappointed me. Who knows though. Apparently he's a really good actor.

[Lonely_Astro]

Once in our r/s when my ex gave me the ST for almost 2 weeks he came and was apologizing, pleading and crying for us to be ok and give it our all. I believed he was sincere at that moment. However, no I think I may have been recycled. He admitted to having sex with someone else during that time and seemed really upset with himself that he hurt and disappointed me. Who knows though. Apparently he's a really good actor.

Mine is quite adequate at stringing you along.  She'll come to me (we're LC) and tell me that she wants to see me after work so we can "talk".  We'll agree to a time and place, after work she'll FaceTime me and we'll just chit chat.  Then, as the time approaches, she'll go Red October silent on me.  I won't hear anything until the next day when she comes to me and has some excuse for not showing. 

The other day she started it up again and I told her I was to busy to meet her.  She looked hurt, but I outright told her I wasn't going to be stood up by her again and that I had other things to do.  She hasn't attempted to meet me again (but, hey, tomorrow's a new day).  You want my honest belief?  I believe she was out with her new beau and couldn't be bothered with me.  She's a loser and a user.  I don't have time for the games anymore.

[Itstopsnow]

How long were you dating before and after these 3 and 2 month NC breaks. I felt at times he meant it. When he was hysterical . But because of his fear of being alone. They can't really relate to our pain, when they are consumed by their own. Plus try and think about it this way. A 3 year old can say sorry when he is informed by his parent that he did something wrong, but he doesn't understand the impact of what he did . He is saying sorry because he is prompted to or expected to. Their brains work differently. Remember the wiring is different, they look for the negative in almost every situation and feel like the perpetual victim . So are they sorry , maybe on some level that they got caught or that they over reacted to small trivial things. But they don't understand why they did it. So they expect you to move on asap when they do apologize and they don't learn from their mistakes and keep re making them, which makes it seem they are not sorry . 

[C.Stein]

My question is, even though I see that she was trying to get me to talk to her. Is she actually sorry about anything? Are they away of what damage they have inflicted on us nons?

If she doesn't believe she did anything wrong then no, it is not sincere.  My ex could apologize for misdeeds, but she kept doing them so obviously she either didn't believe the things she was doing were wrong or she just didn't care about my feelings ... .or both.   The biggest misdeed she admitted to and apologized for ... .it turned out she didn't think she had done anything wrong.   So both of the above are true ... .her apology was not sincere and she didn't care about my feelings or how much she had hurt me. 

I honestly don't remember if she ever apologized for hurting me ... .I suppose it might have happened a couple of times but for the most part she couldn't empathize with the pain she was causing me.  It was easier for her to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. 

I do think on some level she was hard on herself though for the things she did ... .but was it in a self-serving I'm a victim kind of way or a constructive I need to stop hurting the one I love the most kind of way?

Unfortunately I think the former was more the case.

[hashtag_loyal]

Is she actually sorry about anything?

Doubtful, especially if she won't specify what she did.

Are they aware of what damage they have inflicted on us nons?

Oh they most certainly are. And (with the possible exception of pwNPD who need to bring others down to build themselves up) I can assure you that pwBPD feel very, very bad for the way they treat others in their lives. Unfortunately, they choose to respond to this awareness by feeling shame, rather than ever taking any personal responsibility for it.