Not actually initiated the break up yet, but I am definitely going to.

[Flutterby32]

I have not actually initiated the break up yet, but I am definitely going to. So, the forum sections on "undecided" and "trying to save the relationship" did not seem right for me, this one seemed like the closest one to where I am at the moment.

[Mutt]

It's Ok. I think that it helps to talk to people that have made it to the other side. What are you thinking about?

[Itstopsnow]

I tried to stay many times and things only got worse and worse. And I have more and more therapy that I'll need to go through because I stayed 18 months actually 20 months. If they are a true BPD or something like it. It's better to go. They tend to be pathological liars and cheaters! I never would of guessed my BF was cheating . He seemed to love my body and was very passionate about me. But he was, and in a relationship for 3 months while he dated me. They will promise you the moon, but they can't change. It's in their nature. And even if they are in therapy which most won't do or stay in. It's still a huge up hill battle. And you'll be hit with all the sharpnel. Good luck and we'd be happy to have you join the other side! There is more to life than this! Life is short, your relationships should bring you joy not headache all the time, you already have one job that pays you. You shouldn't have to work so hard at a relationship especially when the other person doesn't do their share. That's what I tell myself

[Flutterby32]

thanks for the replies!

I do not think my soon to be ex has ever cheated or would cheat. Not sure that she outright lies about things, but she DOES distort things very badly. For example, she never liked my family of origin and kept seeing mistreatment by them that was IMO not really happening. And then, expected me to stand up to my family for things that were mostly if not entirely in her mind! I talked with my family, of course they sincerely felt like they were trying to be kind and loving to her and so I just got caught in the middle of my family thinking they were not doing anything wrong and my spouse being firmly convinced that they were treating her like crap and that I was meekly taking their side and refusing to stand up for her. She stopped seeing them years ago but still brings up the grievances from time to time, which is really triggering for me and I struggle to not just rage at her when she dredges up all this crap yet again, and if I rage of course that just lets her feel more and more like the victim.

I have been with her about 21 years, married for a little over 20. We had only known each other maybe 5-6 months tops when she basically demanded that I make a serious commitment to her or get out of her life. She got VERY emotionally distraught when I initially said no, but because I was needing a relationship so badly at the time I ended up changing my mind. I am more and more inclined to think that she was deliberately trying to reel me in quickly, before I could really get to know her well and see how difficult she can be.

I am a transgender woman, when we met I was deep in the closet and not able to come out until we had been together about ten years. She did not take it well and so I slipped into something of a double life, pretending to be a man most of the time for her sake and openly being my true female self when she is not around, and online. My gender identity is just the tip of the iceberg, there were problems with our relationship before I came out and there remain problems unrelated to my gender identity.

Feel like I am kind of rambling so I will stop for now. Thanks again for the replies!