Currently back in a dating relationship ...

[Revopet]

Hi

Im currently back in a dating relationship with someone who is not diagnosed with BPD. I have been on other groups and in counseling and was told this was what I was dealing with.

Our journey started on 11/11/11. I was taken in immediately. Her charm, fun, attractive etc and just new she was the one. She left me on April 5 2013. She left me a note to tell me I didnt want what she wanted. Three months later she was with another and six months she was engaged. She never left me alone. I tried no contact and everything but I found myself right back in. I have taken numerous emotional and verbal abuse from her. I am the classic care taker/rescuer. My therapist says in a normal relationship what I do is ok, with a BPD its not healthy. I have been the blame for everything. I have tried to tell her to get some help for her emotional issues. She lies to me constantly and I have caught her dead on and she still denies it. She projects on to me everything.

Right now she has me blocked on FB and is still with another person. She tells me they are broken up and that she is just healing her heart. She tells me one minute she loves me the next she is feeling pressure. She tells me she wants to live with me then she doesnt. She says she cant help this other person loves her and has a profile pic on FB of them both. She says she cant control this. Shes constantly a victim in her life. I love her. I struggle with leaving her because I feel she is alone. I also feel Im enabling her alot. I have backed off a lot to allow her to try and help herself. I constantly feel I have to watch how I speak. I read several books on this and still I am not willing to leave her yet. She may end up leaving me again based on her latest comments being she doesnt want to be hurt anymore. However she never leaves me. Even when she was engaged to this other person she came back to me. She cheated on her with me and boke the engagement but never let this other person go either. She struggles with letting anything go.

I have developed anxiety and take meds now. Im off and on her roller coaster.

I have now learned to not listen to her words and to not expect much. HOwever this isnt what I want for a loving relationship. I was in a loving relationship for 10 years and I am not sure how or why I got into this. At the beginning I use to break it off alot with my BPD not knowing about her extreme abandonment issues. She recognizes all her issues but doesnt go for help. I think the reasons she likes this other person is because she never leaves.

My BPD is also showing behaviors of NPD. She is very controlling and entitled. On the flip side when shes good its so good... .again I cant trust in her words then either. Its actually joke now with me to her because she knows how ridiculous and inconsistent she is. She feels she will be better when ABC happens she doesnt recognize she needs help. Its too much for anyone to take on. There has been endless stories and situations to support me knowing she has this disorder. I am here for me. I have lost myself. I felt like I was crazy. Im not happy. I have been working on changing how I relate to her. Things are always better because of the adjustments I make. Im the type who feels my happiness has alot to do with making others happy. I just dont like to feel disrespected. She complains I dont talk about myself or ask her for anything. ITs because she isnt available. She complains about it and has this expectation that I am ok all the time. She feels Im invincible or something.

I have to keep telling her Im human and I feel too. I now know I am the rescuer here. She chooses to love me yet I trigger her too. She only remembers the past wounds between us. My therapist says when Im done I will know it. I have accepted her for who she is and what she offers me. I appreciate her in all ways. My journey is to love myself and not put so much in the dream of love and how others love me. I understand my need to be and feel loved. I shouldnt expect anyone to have to fill that for me. She teaches me valuable lessons about myself.

As I offer her support and love I try to offer that same to myself. I try not to have expectations of her. I believe I am getting stronger each day with a the help of lierature, these places to come post and my therapist. Also the meds seem to me helping but the anxiety is bad. Im afraid if I dont offer what she expects she will leave me and thats horrible because she offers me nothing really and I accept it.

My advisor tells me Im in control more then I think I am. Im going to read more abot how to understand my BPD and this will should help me in my process. IF anything I certainly am seeing more about myself in this process. I have to learn these lessons so I dont repeat it again.

Thank you

[an0ught]

Welcome Merrimack,

As I offer her support and love I try to offer that same to myself. I try not to have expectations of her. I believe I am getting stronger each day with a the help of lierature, these places to come post and my therapist. Also the meds seem to me helping but the anxiety is bad. Im afraid if I dont offer what she expects she will leave me and thats horrible because she offers me nothing really and I accept it. My advisor tells me Im in control more then I think I am. Im going to read more abot how to understand my BPD and this will should help me in my process. IF anything I certainly am seeing more about myself in this process. I have to learn these lessons so I dont repeat it again. Thank you

it is good that you got an advisor on your side. These relationships can be terribly confusing and having an outside perspective is absolutely vital. I hope you find this board a good complement to it.

You certainly don't offer what she "wants" and "expects". Most of these wants and expectations will be fleeting and expressions of a her disconnected mind at a particular point in time. On the other hand she has developed some attachment to you otherwise why did she come back. But lets take a step back from the wants and look at the needs. Her need is a connection to you - preferably the unbroken you. And your need is to be safe and respected and heal.

Check out the sticky LESSONS at the top of the Committed Relationship board - you find a number of workshops there helping you to better communicate - avoiding the blow ups that are avoidable - not all are  - and protect yourself when they are not. Posting on the board can help too. The board usually responds best with individual topics and concrete situations.

Again ,

a0

[livednlearned]

Hi Merrimack,

You mention that you're changing how you relate to her, and that things are improving. And you also say that you don't like to be disrespected. These are both positive signs -- it means you recognize how important both communication skills and boundaries are.

You write:

She complains I dont talk about myself or ask her for anything. ITs because she isnt available.

Is there truth to this? Is it possible that you are getting something from this dynamic? If you feel you cannot get her approval or agreement, what happens when you seek things for yourself that don't require her approval?

For example, what boundaries do you have for acceptable behavior? Boundaries are for you, they are not about controlling her. So you might decide that when she does x, you will do y. Let her know that this is a boundary for you, and then be consistent in asserting that boundary. And be prepared for her to test the boundary -- it's new. She will want to know if you are being serious about it.

Whatever boundary you begin working with, be sure that you are ok with whatever consequences. I found it was much better to start small, and work my way up to boundaries that had much steeper consequences.

It's a learning curve 

[livednlearned]

Hi Merrimack,

Everything ok?

[outside9x]

Hi, Sorry for your pain. 

I know you are on this board to make it better, but listen to your own words for a moment. 

"I am the classic care taker/rescuer".  It like you are giving yourself an excuse to be caught up in this cruelty! And that's exactly what it is, because you love her so.  Yes, I know.   

However, it's not easy to escape this but,,, your mental and emotional health are at risk, and though you might want to hear different words from me, my focus is on your health, and your future happiness. 

So it's not easy to break free, but reflect and you'll see that it takes time to heal from an abusive relationship, maybe more so than a loving one, but you have time to heal and move on, and again, it's just not easy, I know, but you will, and you will be happy again, maybe not immediately but you will.  I wish you nothing but the best!