Hi Merrimack,
You mention that you're changing how you relate to her, and that things are improving. And you also say that you don't like to be disrespected. These are both positive signs -- it means you recognize how important both communication skills and boundaries are.
You write:
She complains I dont talk about myself or ask her for anything. ITs because she isnt available.
Is there truth to this? Is it possible that you are getting something from this dynamic? If you feel you cannot get her approval or agreement, what happens when you seek things for yourself that don't require her approval?
For example, what boundaries do you have for acceptable behavior? Boundaries are for you, they are not about controlling her. So you might decide that when she does x, you will do y. Let her know that this is a boundary for you, and then be consistent in asserting that boundary. And be prepared for her to test the boundary -- it's new. She will want to know if you are being serious about it.
Whatever boundary you begin working with, be sure that you are ok with whatever consequences. I found it was much better to start small, and work my way up to boundaries that had much steeper consequences.
It's a learning curve