Leading horses to water...

[AnAussieSister]

My sister is a classic co-dependant currently messing her way out of a long marriage with three kids to a uBPD. She has at each step been forced by his behaviour, which has of course been outrageous, but luckily no physical damage has occurred. My difficulty is that she "in her head knows but not in her heart" that his manipulation and behaviour are all about him with no regard for the children's welfare and hers and she cannot take the hard steps she needs to to control her interactions with him. After instigating an AVO (Australia) because she was worri d enough about hers and the kids personal safety, she continues to let him see the kids, but it's always when it suits him, and he has breeched the order several times in the meantime. She finally reported his latest most flagrant breech and he is facing a court case next month. With all this though she still buries her her head in the sand and can't acknowledge that taking firm uncompromising steps such as NC or at least LC and insisting on a rigid access plan for his time with the kids will help her or that she can follow through. I need to find her some backbone! How do nons with codependency issues get through the fog of grief, guilt, guilt, guilt, tiredness, depression and who knows what else to a sane place where they can really see what's being done to them and how their actions are influencing that and get the will to really change themselves, to harden up. My frustration levels are high because I see and read what will work but I can't get her to, because it's too "uncomfortable " for her to do.   It's been six months since she had to kick him out, with police help, how long do people take to start ruling their own life again? Am I being too impatient?

[isilme]

Hi there.  I think the only thing that will get your sister through this is time, and support.

It's been six months since she had to kick him out, with police help, how long do people take to start ruling their own life again? Am I being too impatient?

You say she needs backbone - hers sounds like it's been disintegrated.  Having been there myself, from constant parental abuse for over 15 years, I can say with authority that she needs time to grieve the bad relationship.  Time to get out of shock, and 6 months is nothing, in a human life.  And she needs time to change her though processes.  Those take years to form.  I know form the outside, as a person who sounds stronger overall, this looks like a no brainer as to what to do.  But to her, this person ave her something at one time, and she, like a Stockholm's person, accepted it.  Again, been there. 

So for her, it's been a major life upheaval.  To simply adjust from that WITHOUT the PD issues is hard.  Imagine if every step you take you feel like you are on a tightrope, ready to fall on crushed glass.  I fight being codependent myself, telling myself just because my FI is upset does not mean I need to also be, that I don't need to absorb his feelings, OR always "fix" them.

For me, although going NC with both parents eventually was probably the healthiest thing I could ever do, it took a long time to get that into my head.  First, I blamed myself for being such a wretched daughter.  That was the pattern I learned growing up, an though it was miserable, it was my "normal".  Then, after Mom was gone from my life a few months, I realized part of the guilt, and fear was removed.  Dad, the ogre was still there, but his predilection for neglect meant I had more time to myself, was not at the beck and call of Mom's whims, and I was able to finally make some of my own choices about simple things, like what to eat to what to wear.

Then, Dad kicked me out 4 years later.  Again, I fell into blaming myself, hating myself, and despair. 

THEN, after seeing normal family dynamics, and time away from my abusers, I started to find out who "me" is.  And I still struggle at times, or I'd not need this message board.

You sister needs to feel both free to make changes in her actions, and strong enough to do it.  And admit changes are needed.  She has to come to it herself, advice means nothing overall.  To her, you probably come across as someone trying just as hard to control her actions as her H. 

Maybe another tack can be taken with her, to encourage her to read up on BPD or ways to make her feel stronger.  Think of it almost like an addict - by the time you need help, the drug feels "normal" and real life unbearable.  To an abuse survivor, the abuse is "normal", and anything else is strange and scary.

I hope this makes sense.

[AnAussieSister]

Thank you isilme, you have proved to me at least , the value in using sites such as this one, unfortunately when I make suggestions to her about doing more reading about BPD she stonewalls me, as I said, still doesn't want to process all those hurtful and potentially self damaging memories and emotions. Or admit that he has a disorder at all.  

I do worry whether she feels I am bullying or trying to control her too, as you mentioned.  It's the older sister in me I guess.  I don't know how best to help her.  Yes  I listen, yes I suggest reading etc , going to counselling and I provide financial help too.  the softly softly approach frustrates me hugely though. My best analogy for this would be that's it's like either diving in the cold water head first or creeping in slowly inch by inch.  Just get the heck in and get it over with!  

You are right about her backbone, it has been chipped away over a twenty year period and its only hanging in by a thread, but on the other hand she can still show incredible resilience and strength in other things,,so I know she is fully capable of taking the right actions.  

I suppose that the main message that I need to take away is that time will overcome many things, I need to curb my impatience.

I plan to continue encouraging her to read more about his condition and to get logged onto this site.  Hopefully I can also get her to start spending time on herself somehow, I am going to have to be quite crafty about how I do that though, she instinctively avoids having that me time, I think because it is then that uncomfortable truths start popping up. Is this your experience too?

Thank you for your advice , it does make lots of sense, if only we all had the benefit of hindsight when it was needed.  I'm sure my sister will come out of this a stronger more self confident person, certainly your experience proves it is possible and I wish you all the best.

[isilme]

she instinctively avoids having that me time, I think because it is then that uncomfortable truths start popping up. Is this your experience too?

I now other people who do this, but I grew up an only child, and so alone time is pretty normal to me, as is the introspection that comes with it.  I'm not sure if maybe going ahead and giving her a book like "I hate you don't leave me" or something to lie around the house until a rainy day when she might crack it open would help.  I am trying in my life to be more open about the things I experiences and how personality disorders exists and hurt everyone involved partly to remove the stigma associated with them.  I mean, for your sister, there's probably a lot of denial about marrying a person who would be so bad for her, associated with guilt at that, and anything it put the kids through.  So she will avoid it because it's safer. 

Sure, she can stand up to things that are "safe" to do so, like your advice.  She knows you will not hurt her like her H, so you are "safe".  My FI is uBPD, but we've discovered a lot of his issues are also tied to blood sugar changes, as well as my co-dependent behavior putting things in a feedback loop.  I found this place, and it helped me learn to try to modify my own behavior to "stop making things worse", but I had to be in a place to admit I needed to change my behavior.

I know you want to help her, and if your the older sibling, you may be a tiny bit co-dependent yourself and want to "fix it" for her

But this is where you may need to step back and realize the only person you can really change it you - maybe some of the lessons on here can help find other ways to approach it, or make her feel safe either creating her own account to seek help, or even just admitting there's a PD issue with her H that needs to be addressed, boundaries need to be set and followed, and being her own person without her H is okay.