Did she or did she not have BPD (my ultimate fixation)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I spend a lot of time in this endless cycle of intrigue.  I replay events from my relationship with my uBPD ex, weaving a tapestry in my mind that tries to reaffirm that I am better off without her. 

Breaking no contact with her, I had expectations that weren't met.  She neither preyed on my weakness nor did she sound particularly unhealthy.  Whereas I am in a place right now where I am wholly obsessed with her.  She told me after we broke up she learned a lot about herself and she's been able to impart a newer, more stable version of herself to her new partner for whom she's been on/off with for a bit over a year.  While they appear to have an abusive relationship (he's an alcoholic who gets abusive when under the influence) she claims to love him in a selfless way. According to her, she's no longer jealous and she's very eager to help him through his struggles. 

The more lucid and stable she sounds the more I feel compelled to believe she doesn't have BPD even though so much of what we went through would suggest that she does, and a bad case of BPD at that. 

I don't know why it matters so much to me. I think it was at times helpful for me to view her as a person who was not capable of having a stable relationship due to BPD.  If she's not BPD, then I get a little lost in my head and fear I put too much emphasis on the diagnosis when we were together.

Are BPD people capable of reforming their behaviors to fit the dynamic of their new partner?  She sounds as though she interacts totally different with this new guy. And its really eating away at me. 

I don't know why it matters to me as much as it does, but right now it does. 

[JohnThorn]

I spend a lot of time in this endless cycle of intrigue.  I replay events from my relationship with my uBPD ex, weaving a tapestry in my mind that tries to reaffirm that I am better off without her. 

Breaking no contact with her, I had expectations that weren't met.  She neither preyed on my weakness nor did she sound particularly unhealthy.  Whereas I am in a place right now where I am wholly obsessed with her.  She told me after we broke up she learned a lot about herself and she's been able to impart a newer, more stable version of herself to her new partner for whom she's been on/off with for a bit over a year.  While they appear to have an abusive relationship (he's an alcoholic who gets abusive when under the influence) she claims to love him in a selfless way. According to her, she's no longer jealous and she's very eager to help him through his struggles. 

The more lucid and stable she sounds the more I feel compelled to believe she doesn't have BPD even though so much of what we went through would suggest that she does, and a bad case of BPD at that. 

I don't know why it matters so much to me. I think it was at times helpful for me to view her as a person who was not capable of having a stable relationship due to BPD.  If she's not BPD, then I get a little lost in my head and fear I put too much emphasis on the diagnosis when we were together.

Are BPD people capable of reforming their behaviors to fit the dynamic of their new partner?  She sounds as though she interacts totally different with this new guy. And its really eating away at me. 

I don't know why it matters to me as much as it does, but right now it does. 

[blackbirdsong]

I spend a lot of time in this endless cycle of intrigue.  I replay events from my relationship with my uBPD ex, weaving a tapestry in my mind that tries to reaffirm that I am better off without her.  

Breaking no contact with her, I had expectations that weren't met.  

What about your expectations when you were in relationship? That is what is important. You should have no expectations after your relationship. She betrayed you, still hurting you and makes you feel bad. Think like this, who cares is she BPD or not, you don't need official paper saying that... .If you felt that way during your relationship , that is the only thing that counts. Now YOU are the only thing tht counts. Move on.

She claims that she is now selfless? Great for her and for her new boyfriend. Too bad that she wasn't like that when you two were together.

But believe me, I was in similar situation, when they think that they can lure you back, they will say anything and sound reasonable and lucid, as you say. But stop listening to other people's words (including mine ) and start observing their behavior. You need to be lucid and think about this.  

You wonder why it matters to you? It matters because it is hard to admit to yourself that you were also part of this unhealthy relationship. Not that you were guilty because of her behavior,  no. But it is hard to admit that everything was a lie and that you felt great about many things in this relationship. Te only lesson you can do now is to admit it and start digging why this happened. Why did you let her do this to you? Don't blame yourself, just ask yourself. We are not perfect, it is ok to admit it that we made a mistake in our life. Just be sure to learn something from this. so that you don't do it again. If you don't then you have a big problem. This now, is not a problem, it is a mistake. You are allowed to make mistakes, just don't repeat them constantly.

You constantly saying that she says that she is great with this guy. Are you living with them? Do you observe their relationship? I don't thinks so. I bet she has BPD elements, just based on your description. People don't change overnight, they just say that or even worse - they convince themselves that they are.

You also won't be different person tomorrow, but start working today and your time will come. It is a huge step that you realized that something was wrong and you are looking for help here.

[enlighten me]

Hi John

What you have to realise is that BPD isn't there all the time (but it is). What I mean by this is it depends on whats happening as to whether it comes out.

If you think about it like something you could relate to such as say anxiety. You do not live in a constant state of anxiety but when something happens then you become anxious. Then again things could be going really well and all of a sudden you get anxious as its too good to be true and something is bound to go wrong.

BPD can be like this. When they are first in a relationship in the idolisation phase everything is good. After idolisation it can remain good but it depends on what is going on in their life. If they have problems with say work then the partner can be supportive and this is seen as good. Eventually though the disorder will come through. Then it falls down to how the partner handles it. Because it lasts longer then it doesn't mean they are better than you or worse its just different. It may last longer as they are a walk over, or they just don't care what they get up to, or maybe they can communicate better.

[JohnThorn]

Our biggest downfall when we were together was her virtually insane jealousy. Every day was a trial of her looking for me to betray her to the point where just passing a woman on the street would lead to a break up frequently.

When I spoke to her yesterday she seemed very intent on making it known to me how she took a step back and observed her behavior in our relationship and made a personal change for the better.  Now with this newer guy she claims to have no jealousy at all remarking that they frequently got to Hooters and talk about having 3somes... .not that those things really are where its at for me anyway, but just the complete 180 is really bothering me. 

What was it about me? Why is this guy getting a much more secure and loving person? She wants to stay and help him (save him) from his alcoholism.  Etc... .

[juniorswailing]

One thing I would say is not to believe anything that comes out of a BPD mouth.

I'm starting to wonder if anything my ex said was true.

[blackbirdsong]

Our biggest downfall when we were together was her virtually insane jealousy. Every day was a trial of her looking for me to betray her to the point where just passing a woman on the street would lead to a break up frequently.

When I spoke to her yesterday she seemed very intent on making it known to me how she took a step back and observed her behavior in our relationship and made a personal change for the better.  Now with this newer guy she claims to have no jealousy at all remarking that they frequently got to Hooters and talk about having 3somes... .not that those things really are where its at for me anyway, but just the complete 180 is really bothering me. 

What was it about me? Why is this guy getting a much more secure and loving person? She wants to stay and help him (save him) from his alcoholism.  Etc... .

Dear John,

Please read posts that people are writing in this thread. Read them thoroughly, slowly and think about every sentence.

From your posts I see that you are still in denial phase, you believe everything to the person who manipulated you. I am convinced that you are 100% sure in every single word that she says, based on your posts and your questions. Ask yourself if this is healthy way of handling your breakup with someone who was hurting you.

You are questioning yourself constantly :"What was wrong with me? Can I change something inside of me so that I can be happy with her?"

Yes, you can change something, and you should and you can be happy person in healthy relationship but not with her.

I am not a psychologist but I can tell you, from my own experience, that you have much work in front of you regarding your self-esteem and self-confidence.

[troisette]

Have you read about trauma bonding John? Just a thought, you might find it helpful.

[joeramabeme]

Our biggest downfall when we were together was her virtually insane jealousy. Every day was a trial of her looking for me to betray her to the point where just passing a woman on the street would lead to a break up frequently.

When I spoke to her yesterday she seemed very intent on making it known to me how she took a step back and observed her behavior in our relationship and made a personal change for the better.  Now with this newer guy she claims to have no jealousy at all remarking that they frequently got to Hooters and talk about having 3somes... .not that those things really are where its at for me anyway, but just the complete 180 is really bothering me.  

What was it about me? Why is this guy getting a much more secure and loving person? She wants to stay and help him (save him) from his alcoholism.  Etc... .

Hi JohnThorn, I can relate to your question here.  It is one that almost all of us ask - what is it about me?  In your situation, here is what I hear you asking; Why is so-and-so alcoholic getting a secure person to pay all the attention to him... . 

Let me be clear about something - there is NO secure person that is seeking a relationship with an active alcoholic, NONE!  This includes your ex.

Your assumption that she is "secure" is misinformed and in fact there is a strong case to be made that she is just the opposite - seeking an insecure attachment where she can be in control and have the emotional safety of being with someone who, if truly an alcoholic, is not at all available.

So I have a two-part question back for you.  :)id she see you as someone that she could have the upper "emotional-hand" with?  And, do you think it is possible that her choosing to be with an active alcoholic may be a sideways compliment to you because you are more secure in your own life?

[JohnThorn]

Our biggest downfall when we were together was her virtually insane jealousy. Every day was a trial of her looking for me to betray her to the point where just passing a woman on the street would lead to a break up frequently.

When I spoke to her yesterday she seemed very intent on making it known to me how she took a step back and observed her behavior in our relationship and made a personal change for the better.  Now with this newer guy she claims to have no jealousy at all remarking that they frequently got to Hooters and talk about having 3somes... .not that those things really are where its at for me anyway, but just the complete 180 is really bothering me. 

What was it about me? Why is this guy getting a much more secure and loving person? She wants to stay and help him (save him) from his alcoholism.  Etc... .

Dear John,

Please read posts that people are writing in this thread. Read them thoroughly, slowly and think about every sentence.

From your posts I see that you are still in denial phase, you believe everything to the person who manipulated you. I am convinced that you are 100% sure in every single word that she says, based on your posts and your questions. Ask yourself if this is healthy way of handling your breakup with someone who was hurting you.

You are questioning yourself constantly :"What was wrong with me? Can I change something inside of me so that I can be happy with her?"

Yes, you can change something, and you should and you can be happy person in healthy relationship but not with her.

I am not a psychologist but I can tell you, from my own experience, that you have much work in front of you regarding your self-esteem and self-confidence.

I know my self confidence is very low.  I don't know precisely why.  I know that my parents were very loving and praised me ( a bit too much maybe). We broke up so long ago. Much longer ago than we were ever legitimately together.  But god she hurt me. And in my inability to let her go, I hurt her too.

[JohnThorn]

Have you read about trauma bonding John? Just a thought, you might find it helpful.

Thank you

[JohnThorn]

Our biggest downfall when we were together was her virtually insane jealousy. Every day was a trial of her looking for me to betray her to the point where just passing a woman on the street would lead to a break up frequently.

When I spoke to her yesterday she seemed very intent on making it known to me how she took a step back and observed her behavior in our relationship and made a personal change for the better.  Now with this newer guy she claims to have no jealousy at all remarking that they frequently got to Hooters and talk about having 3somes... .not that those things really are where its at for me anyway, but just the complete 180 is really bothering me.  

What was it about me? Why is this guy getting a much more secure and loving person? She wants to stay and help him (save him) from his alcoholism.  Etc... .

Hi JohnThorn, I can relate to your question here.  It is one that almost all of us ask - what is it about me?  In your situation, here is what I hear you asking; Why is so-and-so alcoholic getting a secure person to pay all the attention to him... . 

Let me be clear about something - there is NO secure person that is seeking a relationship with an active alcoholic, NONE!  This includes your ex.

Your assumption that she is "secure" is misinformed and in fact there is a strong case to be made that she is just the opposite - seeking an insecure attachment where she can be in control and have the emotional safety of being with someone who, if truly an alcoholic, is not at all available.

So I have a two-part question back for you.  :)id she see you as someone that she could have the upper "emotional-hand" with?  And, do you think it is possible that her choosing to be with an active alcoholic may be a sideways compliment to you because you are more secure in your own life?

Based on how bad my mental state is and how much I've begged her I would doubt she sees this other guy as easier to have the upper emotional hand with.  She told me he keeps her in check and she keeps him in check. I just don't know why she is so different with him.  It's really bothering me I guess because I feel like it says something about me, and not her.