The problem with looking at Facebook...

[Herodias]

I get so frustrated when I look at the GF's posts to Facebook! I also realize this breaks no contact! I keep hoping I will see some fight or something bad! She does post everything! Some of it is so ridiculous... .she posted one of those sayings that said "There's nothing wrong with moving on from being treated wrong. Never feel guilty for recognizing your worth."  She says, "couldn't be more true, glad I have found someone who knows my worth and does nothing but make me feel appreciated daily"... She is not divorced from her husband. She could be posting all of this crap thinking he is looking at it... .But as I see it, she is still love-bombing my husband! The thing I didn't do! I didn't want to post all that crap all over Facebook! What I hate about this is that we know we went through hell with these people and when you look at Facebook, it look like they are so happy! I still wonder if she isn't BPD or something... .The things I know about her, it could very well be... .then I would laugh actually... .that could be a good lesson for them both!

[hopealways]

I know how painful this can be. That is why I have deleted my own Facebook account and don't dare to even look up hers. The pain of what I could possibly see is just too much to bare.

[Herodias]

I actually just had a thought... .I wonder if it's possible he talked to her about whether or not she felt guilty about leaving her ex... .After I shamed him the other day, he could have felt that way... .It is weird how she finds all of these posts... .There are articles that she would have to search out to describe what she is thinking. It's not just the ones that pop up. She has posted articles about boredom in relationships, about "choose me or leave" types... .I don't know what happened in her marriage, but I do know, she felt controlled. She met him online and formed a relationship with him immediately when they met when he drove from texas to tenn. to meet her! She has this whole story about their r/s on one of those wedding profiles. I also know, he tried to make nice comments about her all the time on FB but he is a truck driver and was out of town allot. She complained he didn't text her all the time like my husband. Apparently, He didn't want her to continue to work at a detention center(it wasn't safe) so she started working with my husband and cheated with him 2 years ago. Her husband came to the place and asked that she's be transferred to another location! Some of the employees there told me she was "off". I wrote to her husband on Facebook about my husband.  He never responded unfortunately. He actually met someone else and has moved on... .Now, I don't know, but if he was the cheater, she could have gotten more in the divorce. She posted that she left everything she had (this included her home, property and 5 horses) to get out from being controlled! How much control can a truck driver have when he is not around! She left because I threw my husband out last Jan... .The company actually forgot that they were written up and separated and put him in the location with her! Then she left her husband in March... .That's when this all started up again. Mind you- He has been with several women while this was going on as well! Including the one in my bed on Xmas who has become Facebook friends with both of them as of June! I made him block her when I caught them together! What kind of weirdo is she? I even told her that night what he was , but I am sure he has since told her I am crazy. She likes all of their photos together! I think he may still be seeing her actually-one of those women that like to have affairs with married men... .anyway. Such craziness all the way around! I can't imagine them being happy in the long run! She thinks they will one day have horses! Maybe she doesn't know how low my husbands credit is now that he hasn't paid any of his credit cards since last June! I am sure this is my fault too... .He will not tell her these are full of his hotel rooms he was using with the other one! He will tell her that I wracked them all up and he is stuck with them! Especially since he is telling people that I am the one who cheated on him and have a BF... .UGGHHH! I just had to get all of that out! You see all the drama surrounding him? I swear, I watched a video of a man who vents all of his crazy stories and gets it all out. He got better in a year! I keep thinking if I get all of my crazy stories written down. It will help me remember the bad and not the good! I don't know... .thanks for letting me vent! But the point is, I found this all out online! I just don't post that kind of stuff with my name attached to it, ; )

[Learning Fast]

BH,

Remember that FB and all social media offer the perfect platform for whatever narrative that someone wants to project (one of the primary reasons it is called "Facebook".  They represent the ideal conduit to deliver whatever disinformation that someone wants to disseminate (when is the last time you didn't "like" someone's post?  When is the last time that someone posted that their kid flunked chemistry?).  I would put as much stock in FB as I would the tabloid headlines at your local grocer's checkout counter.  Bottom line---don't believe all that you see.

LF

[Herodias]

Thanks... .I know. But now I am looking at it correctly for me. He knows I never treated him wrong so basically it tells him I had every right to leave because of how he treated me. And, I don't need to feel guilty for doing so! How about that!

[Moselle]

Herodias,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Facebook is a façade perfectly designed for pwBPD who want to project their distorted world view in a very believable way.

Mine started all types of lies and disinformation on FB as a response to me defriending her, I noticed that very few of my previous friends liked her stuff. That's not my business, my real life is. My extended family were apparently disgusted with her lies and blocked her too.

There are a few who believed her at first but are now beginning to question her. Ultimately truth prevails. I was surprised to hear how many actually get what she is about. We feel like we are alone, but reasonably minded people get it. they really do.

I know that's not any kind of consolation. It just hurts. Hang in there. It will pass

[enlighten me]

I read an article yesterday about people who post a lot of selfies. It said a lot of it could be BDD. The fact that they base their worth on how they look. I suppose with low self esteem and an unstable image of self then BPD would also fit into this nicely.

As has been said many times fb only shows the good or how good people want you to think they are. No one ever post how they soiled themselves at work or nearly got fired for incompetence.

FB should always be taken with a pinch of salt. It can give a good insight once you learn to read between the lines and see the patterns but as to the content of posts I don't pay much attention.

[Hopeful83]

There are a few who believed her at first but are now beginning to question her. Ultimately truth prevails. I was surprised to hear how many actually get what she is about. We feel like we are alone, but reasonably minded people get it. they really do.

So true.

My ex got engaged within two months of us breaking up, and was posting photos of him and the new fiancée on FB - I know this because one friend of mine who he must of missed during his cull saw it all.

I was mortified - I felt like I looked like such an idiot. I had always been open about how much I loved him and how we were planning on getting married soon etc, and there he was, within two months, declaring his love for someone else so quickly (and getting engaged to her). Sure, it was only his friends who could see it by this point, but I was still mortified.

Weeks later, a friend of his messaged me. Long story short, he thought that my ex was acting totally ridiculously. His words were: who the hell even dates so quickly, never mind gets engaged! He felt bad for me because he thought we were already engaged, too.

My point is, reasonable people see right through it, but they're not going to post on someone's photo and say "What the hell are you doing you weirdo?" It doesn't escape their attention, though.

[thisworld]

Dear Herodias,

I don't know if my perspective would apply to your situation (I have just left a short relationship with a bfwBPD with some narcissistic traits and was also involved with another narcissist some years ago and was once married to a passive aggressive husband) but I want to share it nevertheless. I also apologize if I have misunderstood your situation, I think I'm half traumatised and cannot grasp things fully right now but I think have felt like you a lot in my life.

I know that sometimes we do things that we would not do under other circumstances to discover some kind of reality or truth about our lives, we do this out of a need for respectable survival based on our right to know what is actually happening in our very lives. I also know that sometimes this becomes an obsession in itself - I have discovered that my bfwBPD had an online harem to whom he was badmouthing me, making up lies about how he never let me touch him (lie, lie, lie, I work from home and he was around me all the time almost begging for sex) etc etc. Even after I have learnt what I needed to learn, half of the time I have this great curiosity to learn more - for my own reasons that I need to deal with using better tools. Blocking him from day one has helped a great deal.

Now these may be our individual shortcomings but please never underestimate the amount of sickness coming to you from these people around your husband. Most of the time, it is not like your husband has some issues but is relating to healthy people who will act with grace or at least maturely. Looking back on things I have gone through, I am now almost sure that a high number of females who relate to these men are as problematic as our partners and some of them derive particular pleasure from hurting the woman that these men have/had a primary or whatever relation with. This gives them a kind of satisfaction in a female-to-female competetiton. I even suspect that our partners may not even be that interesting unless there is a female (us) from whom this man may be stolen. I was even contacted by two of these females long after I had become an ex:))

My ex-partner's online "friends" for instance were not friends advising constructive stuff to him but "confidante"s or potential future partners whose comments always devalued me in some subtle way - me, as he represented to them assassinating my character of course. That's why, I think some behaviours of this woman may even be passive aggressively targeted at you - if she knows, feels, hopes that you are watching her page- because no matter how confident they seem, these sometimes ill and almost always dissatisfied women may also be in a weird battle with you and may want to bring you down emotionally. I have discovered that yes, sometimes I react emotionally because of my insecurities but sometimes there is also a hidden war where I am targeted by third persons and I sense it. My therapist also confirmed this.

Unfortunately, this is sometimes knowingly or unknowingly orchestrated by our partners. For instance, they represent us with one aspect of our character and all of us a sudden, the woman takes on that role or starts showing how "equipped" she is in that area. When I was represented as an intellectual interested in politics and philosophy ( a no-fun person as opposed to the females he was in touch with), someone from my ex-partner's harem started posting about politics and philosophy all of a sudden:))

Another was a plagiarist the way my partner was - my ex-partner was always re-telling any insight I shared with him to other women as if these were his insights about life etc and they thought he was very mature and strong:)) One of these women was a plagiarist herself who then shared these on her facebook to impress other people - because they are never satisfied with one person anyway. They are constantly investing in other people.

My ex-partner never put a step forward toward any kind of recovery but was good at writing to his ex from years ago how he insightful he became in years and maybe they should become facebook friends- signs of this non-existent insight: anything he may have heard from me.

What I'm trying to say is, if you shared a lot of things with your husband trying to help and support him, maybe he is presenting himself to another female as if he had all that insight or maybe he told this aspect of you to this woman and now she is competing in her own way -helpless, revengeful you decide. Or maybe, she too adopts personalities depending on whom she is in contact with and somewhere in her life, there is someone interested in these things. This is probably a web of multiple persons and relationships, there is no way we can know about all of them.

I believe there is no winning in this thing, the moment you are involved even passively through following what they are doing, you are opening yourself to more hurt from a multiple number of people who are more adept at hurting people. Please please stay away from their pages, they will flaunt all kinds of happiness/fake normalcy and somewhere they will have you in their mind, too - my ex wanted me to post his happy photos all the time and was begging this ex to befriend him all the time. I hope you stay away and stay safe so that some proxies don't occupy unnecessary space in your psyche.   

Best,

[Herodias]

Thanks guys... .I think you are correct. People see it for what it is and I noticed the trashy people she is friends with, (like my sisters ex of all people that knows he is a liar) are the ones liking it. His family and friends aren't liking any of it! He has a ton of friends and family too! Hopeful, did they get married? Do you know how it's going? Part of me wishes he would move on to someone that o can't see all this crap! I really do think this is for her husbands sake as well as mine and she may have BPD. I wonder how two people like that get along? I wonder how long it will be before he starts having incidents. I think he is under control due to a pending felony from last Jan. His pattern is once that's up, he goes back to business as usual. I wonder if once she has him if she will turn on him as well. I just want him to feel he made a big mistake/ I bet he does. Doesn't change anything for me. I am still left alone wondering if I will ever meet anyone again... , depressing

[Herodias]

This world, thank you for that insight. You are right I know. Yes, she suddenly liked everything he did and even dressed like him. He did the same- she's very country- he started fishing and developed a southern accent! I see your point- I'm having allot of trouble letting go! Mine is very similar with the NPD traits as well. Has or had a harem too. I know I'm being lied about - she thinks I abused and controlled him! I know it's fake to a point. I hope she is feeling bad about leaving everything she had. Sometimes when you have to say "best thing I did" means the opposite- especially in these people

[troisette]

Absolutely Learning Fast. I am on FB as a member of some private political pages. Otherwise I wouldn't be. I see the carefully crafted narratives of close friends, noting the differences between the reality as privately described to me and the public facade.

For some people this is necessary Herodias, be aware that what you are viewing is self-edited by your ex to promote a self-image that appeals to her. It may have little foundation in reality.

I found the quietly self-aggrandising posts of my ex very painful. They bought up lots of emotion. So I blocked him on FB. So we don't exist for each other, I can't see his page or his posts and he can't see mine. This feels better than the anxiety I felt when he was ticking like on my posts. That felt creepy.

[Beacher]

It's tough but I would take a hiatus from FB for a while. I unfriended  my BPD husband,friends and family for the time being. You'd be surprised how much better you feel after a week of N/C on that site. He told me " until,you change your attitude those people want nothing to do with you". Which Im sure is a lie but you know what- I could care less! I have to take care of me first.

[Michelle27]

I unfriended my ex husband as soon as our separation was permanent.  He was using FB to stalk me, and my friends, many of whom he's never met.  Even friend requested them as a way to watch me (they didn't take the bait).  I not only unfriended him, I blocked him.  I am part of lots of groups (weight loss, games, etc.) and won't give up my FB but blocking him was definitely healing.