Introduction

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello.  I first suspected that my mother had BPD a few years ago - when I turned 30. I was living with my partner far away from either of our countries in Canad

and the discovery was a revelation - I did share it with her and my father and tried to buy some books to help us.  An empathetic one about what it was like for her and my Dad to look at and I downloaded a sympathetic pamphlet.  As you might guess, my mother's reaction was mixed.  My Dad is somewhere on the autism spectrum, I think, so it's hard to share feelings with him and I am an only child.  My Mum thought that we were both labelling her as 'mad'.  I didn't manage to read all the book myself and we have changed country again since then and I have struggled with my first depression and lots of couple problems to do with our constant moving, so I have never met anyone else who suffered the same kind of childhood.

Now, a few years later, I'm struggling and feeling alone again because I'm pregnant and my mother's behaviour is hurting me more than usual.  Mindfulness has really helped me through depression and my mum has also found meditation helpful. We bonded through that shared connection when she was having a good period of nearly a year and our relationship improved a lot.  But now she has flipped again and I'm terrified about seeing her in a couple of weeks.  We live in Spain, where my husband's from, and both my parents (who live separately, but have a kind of dysfunctional relationship where they visit each other every couple of weeks) will be coming to visit us for two whole weeks over Christmas! We have (with a large amount of financial help from both of them) bought a large house with a separate apartment where they can sleep, so I hope we can cope, but I am still worried and so is my husband. He doesn't want me getting upset because of the baby.  And I am afraid of having a child because of my experiences. I know that I don't have BPD, but I also know that I reproduce some patterns of hers and that I have a terrible temper and little emotional control partly because of my childhood.  My saviour was my grandmother, my mother's mother, who was a wonderful support to me. She died 6 years ago and I miss her terribly, especially now, being pregnant and far from female friends from my childhood, far from my culture, yet not able to get much comfort from my mother.

[english_catalan]

Hello.  I first suspected that my mother had BPD a few years ago - when I turned 30. I was living with my partner far away from either of our countries in Canad

and the discovery was a revelation - I did share it with her and my father and tried to buy some books to help us.  An empathetic one about what it was like for her and my Dad to look at and I downloaded a sympathetic pamphlet.  As you might guess, my mother's reaction was mixed.  My Dad is somewhere on the autism spectrum, I think, so it's hard to share feelings with him and I am an only child.  My Mum thought that we were both labelling her as 'mad'.  I didn't manage to read all the book myself and we have changed country again since then and I have struggled with my first depression and lots of couple problems to do with our constant moving, so I have never met anyone else who suffered the same kind of childhood.

Now, a few years later, I'm struggling and feeling alone again because I'm pregnant and my mother's behaviour is hurting me more than usual.  Mindfulness has really helped me through depression and my mum has also found meditation helpful. We bonded through that shared connection when she was having a good period of nearly a year and our relationship improved a lot.  But now she has flipped again and I'm terrified about seeing her in a couple of weeks.  We live in Spain, where my husband's from, and both my parents (who live separately, but have a kind of dysfunctional relationship where they visit each other every couple of weeks) will be coming to visit us for two whole weeks over Christmas! We have (with a large amount of financial help from both of them) bought a large house with a separate apartment where they can sleep, so I hope we can cope, but I am still worried and so is my husband. He doesn't want me getting upset because of the baby.  And I am afraid of having a child because of my experiences. I know that I don't have BPD, but I also know that I reproduce some patterns of hers and that I have a terrible temper and little emotional control partly because of my childhood.  My saviour was my grandmother, my mother's mother, who was a wonderful support to me. She died 6 years ago and I miss her terribly, especially now, being pregnant and far from female friends from my childhood, far from my culture, yet not able to get much comfort from my mother.

[Kwamina]

Hi english_catalan

I like your screenname

Congratulations on the upcoming baby!

I have never met anyone else who suffered the same kind of childhood.

Good thing you came here then, lot's of people with BPD parents here! Being the child of a BPD parent can be quite challenging and you also mention suspecting your father is somewhere on the autism spectrum which adds another layer of complexity. I am glad you are reaching out for support here and hope you participating here will make you feel less alone.

You say your mother has flipped again, what is she doing exactly? What would you generally describe as her most difficult or unpleasant behaviors?

And I am afraid of having a child because of my experiences. I know that I don't have BPD, but I also know that I reproduce some patterns of hers and that I have a terrible temper and little emotional control partly because of my childhood.  My saviour was my grandmother, my mother's mother, who was a wonderful support to me. She died 6 years ago and I miss her terribly, especially now, being pregnant and far from female friends from my childhood, far from my culture, yet not able to get much comfort from my mother.

I am glad you had such a supportive grandmother, it really helps having a loving and supportive adult there during your childhood to help you deal with all the things that are going on. I can understand how tough this must be for you not having your grandmother with you anymore, particularly at times like these.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives with learned unhealthy BPD behaviors that they copied from their BPD parents. Fortunately these learned behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work. It's good that you are able to recognize and acknowledge these things about yourself. That's already the first step to being able to make a change

We have a thread here in which we explored our own possibly unhealthy behaviors and less than constructive coping mechanisms. I think you might find it insightful too:

Recognizing and dealing with our own unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms

Welcome to bpdfamily

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear you’re feel so isolated. But on the upside, you do sound quiet switched on to this all. It’s great your Dad has not only clicked but bought books. Oh and congratulations over bambino.

As for managing your BPD mom at Christmas, I found that having company would slow my BPD down. Also might want to consider putting them in a hotel rather than sharing your house. You need to be careful of foreign infections due to baby (could be the reason). If you’re feeling isolated, have you sought out the ex-pat community ? When I lived abroad, anyone foreigner became a friend by default in that we were a small minority.

A BPD mother may project their guilt about being a bad parent onto you, and may be difficult because they don’t want attention watering down by the upcoming child. But you also said she’d had a very good period, maybe you’ll get lucky. Just put your BPD centre stage, and I’m sure you’ll know what to do. You could tell her Catalan has gone independance and only allowes the under 30's to enter the country. Best of luck.