PTSD after BPD relationship

[blackbirdsong]

I think I have a problem... .Actually, I am sure I have... .

During my relationship, I was thinking I am going crazy, whatever I did was wrong, walking on eggshells, classic BPD relationship story... .

At the end, I actually believe I was scared of her, I started reading terrible BPD stories, finding similar signals in our relationship. To be clear, I believe I experienced heavy emotional abuse, I may laugh but now I feel like I have been raped, violated.



She mentioned once that her psychiatrist said something about BPD, but said that she doesn't see a lot of elements of BPD. Boy, she was wrong. But at that time, I didn't know what BPD is, I knew she goes to therapy because of anxiety (after father's death).

I ended our relationship after 3 months (I knew her 5 months, but we weren't BF and GF officially, just flerting). She was my first girlfriend.

I know that this is incomparable period considering long-term marriages but to me they were very intensive, and we spent almost every day together, even in devaluation phase. I believe that this devaluation phase didn't reach its end before I ended the relationship. She wanted to continue. I was even afraid to breakup, worried about what will be her next move. I served some story how weak I was, unprepared for this serious relationship, how everything broke me and we need to proceed with our lives, she needs to find someone stronger,... .I believe she still does want to continue (not that I have illusions that she loves me, although we both said those words in our relationship,  nor that she maybe doesn't have a new victim). I don't know, from the day I said goodbye, I went NC.

Now I have irrational fears:

• Pregnancy - constant connection to her, what if she shows up and tells me this?



• STD - what if I got a STD from her, considering BPD behaviour



• Her making some scene, trying to hurt me, make me feel bad, trying to revenge after I left

 

I actually caught myself spending severaldays at home, closed in my apartment because I don't want to go out. Because she is there. I know it sounds crazy, she didn't show any violent signs during our relationship except verbal but now I know what BPD is, I recognized huge amount of BPD signs in her and this scares me know. I feel very uncomfortable thinking about her, really bad. You know how small child is scared of monsters - it may sound funny - but this is my thinking right now... .

I am afraid of her. How can I proceed from here?

[C.Stein]

I am afraid of her. How can I proceed from here?

I think you answered your own question.  Believe in what you wrote.

Now I have irrational fears

[blackbirdsong]

I am afraid of her. How can I proceed from here?

I think you answered your own question.  Believe in what you wrote.

Now I have irrational fears

I see your point. Thank you for replying, it means so much too me. I mean, I also talk to friends and family about this, but I feel much better when I talk with someone here, because you people experienced what BPD is.

Like I said, I see your point. But referring to them as irrational fears I project something that family/friends tell me. To me those fears are real, sometimes I threw up when thinking something of these things will be real and accomplished. AFter that I pull myself together,  saying that I need to be calm, that this behavior is bad for my, that I need to be optimistic, move on, but sometimes they return.

I really think she caused some severe trauma in me... .I literally consider her my brain rapist... .

[C.Stein]

Try to bring rationality to the irrational thought processes  ... .if that makes sense.

[blackbirdsong]

Try to bring rationality to the irrational thought processes  ... .if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. But try to understand that I address things that are not completely irrational.

I am not talking that she will do a massacre, kidnap me with aliens     or something similar

We all know that BPDs have curved thinking that is not aligned with common sense, the are manipulative and can do risky things

Do you consider irrational:

a) That BPD person is lying about pregnancy during your relationship, stopped taking BC pills, even though she pretends to take them, and after breakup see a child as a way of keeping connection with you, because she still wants to be with you?

b) Considering their constant partner changing and one night stands, aren't they high risk STD carriers?

c) Making a scene - I mean, just read the stories on this board, it gives me chills down my spine when reading some of them... .

That is way I am saying I don't consider it irrational, and I am scared if something will be true (especially pregnancy), since now I am aware of what I was wrong, want to move on, and this wouldn't allow me to move on without keeping connection with her

[C.Stein]

Do you consider irrational:

a) That BPD person is lying about pregnancy during your relationship, stopped taking BC pills, even though she pretends to take them, and after breakup see a child as a way of keeping connection with you, because she still wants to be with you?

No, that is not an irrational fear, but how long has it been since you were physically initmate with her.  At times I also had the fear that my ex might accidentally get pregnant to force my hand.  Was it a rational fear ... .not really sure.  :)id I dwell on it, not really.  

b) Considering their constant partner changing and one night stands, aren't they high risk STD carriers?

Yes and if you are concerned you should go get tested so you don't have to wonder anymore.  Again, also consider how long it has been since you were last intimate with her.  Was she sleeping around when she was with you?

c) Making a scene - I mean, just read the stories on this board, it gives me chills down my spine when reading some of them... .

This one is completely irrational IMO.   If she hasn't already made a scene she probably won't.  Even if she does you will just have to deal with the fallout.  There is nothing you can do about it now.  Accept it for what it is.

That is way I am saying I don't consider it irrational, and I am scared if something will be true (especially pregnancy), since now I am aware of what I was wrong, want to move on, and this wouldn't allow me to move on without keeping connection with her

Don't let your fears control you.  Go get tested for STD's if you are that concerned about it.  

It doesn't matter if she is pregnant or not.  If she is you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions either way.  Being afraid of something you have no control over now is pointless.  What's done is done.

Is that a better answer to your questions?

[blackbirdsong]

No, that is not an irrational fear, but how long has it been since you were physically initmate with her.  At times I also had the fear that my ex might accidentally get pregnant to force my hand.  Was it a rational fear ... .not really sure.  :)id I dwell on it, not really.

It was 4 weeks ago. The day before we broke up she told me that she got period (hurting her, feeling bad, can I come over?). Also, she always emphasized that she doesn't want kids. But this fear about her lying doesn't allow me to believe all this.   

Yes and if you are concerned you should go get tested so you don't have to wonder anymore.  Again, also consider how long it has been since you were last intimate with her.  Was she sleeping around when she was with you?

Again, something like 4 weeks. Immediately after break up, next week, I have been tested for HIV and Hepatitis C. Both negative, but the window period is at least 12 weeks. Other STDs I am planning to test. I doubt that she was sleeping around, we were constantly together. LIke every day. But who knows... .It is not important to me anymore... .

Don't let your fears control you.  Go get tested for STD's if you are that concerned about it.

It doesn't matter if she is pregnant or not.  If she is you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions either way.  Being afraid of something you have no control over now is pointless.  What's done is done.

Is that a better answer to your questions?

Yes, it is - I will try. I need to work on my self-confidence and self-awareness. This is the only thing I can control, my actions... .I know that, but for some reason it is so hard. Maybe I like to be in control, and this is something that I don't have control over, I need to work on this also... .

[C.Stein]

The sooner you realize the only thing you can control is yourself the better off you will be.