I need help with wording for visit to see family

[LilMe]

Since my older children cannot come here (uBPDh and they do not get along), we all went to my mom's last year for a day to celebrate Christmas.  The children, my mom, and I finalized our plans for this year last night.  We go in two weeks. Now the fun of telling uBPDh.  Last year he raged for days and tried to forbid me to take the younger children.  I am trying to make a script to hopefully make it go smoother this year.  I could use some help with wording as to not set him off or make him feel bad.  He is not invited and hates them all anyway.  He is very particular about words too.  I am thinking something like - "The children and I are going to my mom's on Tuesday for Christmas and we will be home Wednesday night."  :)oes that sound OK?  I am sure he will ask who all will be there, and other things and I hope to just answer simply and honestly.  I need to also prepare to respond if he says we can't go.  Sure not looking forward to this!

On the evening before I plan to go, two of our young children have a piano recital.  My older children plan to come to it and then go on to my mom's.  The children all love each other and they all took lessons from this teacher (and she is Godmother to several of them).  He will be furious that they come.  Should I warn him?  He is blind, but will figure out they are there by their voices when we have snacks after the recital.  The piano teacher may say something at the recital too.  She is like a grandmother to all the children.

Of all the problems in my life, I think this divide between my family/children and uBPDh is the most unbearable.  I am always being pulled in different directions.  Ugh.

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[Notwendy]

There really is no way to say this to prevent him getting upset. Considering that the anger is a result of his own frustration at not getting what he wants- and feeling out of control, it is similar to asking " my four year old wants a cookie before dinner- how can I say no without him having a tantrum?". Well, he will have a tantrum no matter what, because, that is what kids that age do. Developmentally, they do this because they are not able to self soothe and deal with their own bad feelings, but they will in time.

People with BPD are not kids, but they have difficulty with dealing with their own feelings, and they tend to project them outward, so the only tool they have for this is to have an anger outburst. Many of us tip toe around this, trying not to set them off- but we really can not manage someone else's feelings. Imagine if a parent decided that they didn't want to upset their kid and so didn't say no to him. The kid would keep on tantruming, because that tool works well for them. This may be the only tool your DH has, and if it keeps working for him, he will keep using it.

I think it is fine that you enjoy the holidays with your family and without him. But he may get upset no matter how hard you try to not upset him, and he is likely to raise all kinds of "arguments' that sound logical with you. The  tendency when we are put on the defense  is to JADE, but spending a holiday with your family isn't something you need to defend. It's his problem if he makes it into more.

[LilMe]

Yep, Notwendy, you are right.  :'(  I just hate him raging in front of the children (1, 6, and 8).  I thought about telling him when we are at church and others are around, but I suppose he would still rage in the car and at home.  Sigh.

[formflier]

Yep, Notwendy, you are right.  :'(  I just hate him raging in front of the children (1, 6, and 8).  I thought about telling him when we are at church and others are around, but I suppose he would still rage in the car and at home.  Sigh.

     I realize that the way you go about this is because of the dysfunction.  It has also become part of the dysfunction.  In a way you are validate and "proving" a point to him that he has no control over his kids and they will be "taken" from him and he will be "informed" (vice a participant) in the processes that go on in his family.  You can't control him (and shouldn't try).  You can control yourself and should endeavor to "keep your side of the street clean".  Instead of telling him what is going to happen, can you give him choices and a deadline where you will proceed by default.  That you and kids visit family is non-negotiable.  He should have influence over timing and other issues (that is the way healthy families do it).  If he chooses not to participate, he has made a choice (vice you making one for him).  Can you take a baby step in that direction by giving him two choices, and letting him know you will be picking in 24 hrs if he doesn't pick.  Note:  He still won't like it, but it is a step in the right direction.      

FF

[formflier]

  I realize time is short here and plans are actually already made.  If you are planning on leaving for the trip on a Wed.  Perhaps the best step this year is to ask if he would rather you leave on Tuesday or Wed.      

FF

[Notwendy]

Raging in front of the kids is a tough one. I also did a lot of appeasing to avoid this. The sad part was when I found notes in the kid's rooms saying it was my fault. How would they know. It looked like I was the one upsetting their dad.

They are older and they know this is not the case. I am grateful that many of the rages were avoided. It came at a personal cost to me. I recall not doing a lot of things because they would upset my H, none of them being anything that was unreasonable. It really was a trade off and unfortunate to be in this position, but I think we choose what works for the family.

It has taken a lot of work on my part to withstand the rages. Changing this pattern after so many years of enabling it was not easy. But I have been working on it, and without my enabling, it has gotten better.