When A PwBPD Cheats, How Do They Choose A Partner?

[hashtag_loyal]

What if you were the lover then idealized into a long term relationship as a parental figure then you finally hit your limit with how you have been treated over the years and leave them? Do they just try to choose more supply or mourn the ones who got away? Can anyone answer this?

It probably varies among pwBPD, but for my dBPDxgf, the answer is both. For instance:

- I broke up with her almost 2 months ago

- She is dx and in therapy

- She has admitted that she has "cheated on anyone she's ever dated" and "doesn't know how to stop".

- She also acknowledges that "dating isn't [her] thing" and that she is pretty sure she "is done with it". Despite all that... .

- She constantly tells me how much she loves/misses me and begs me to take her back.

- She is either dating or trying to date one of her lesbian friends.

- I think she tried to get back with an ex (the one she admitted to cheating on me with) but I bet he was just using her for sex and said "no" to a r/s.

tldr; My ex is simultaneously mourning the loss of our r/s while seeking new supply, even though she knows better.

[troisette]

Good analogy HowPredictable, spot on!

I think there is a variability when they do have a choice, and that depends on the individual BPD. Some value brains, some looks, some earning power, some personality characteristics.

Mine seemed to go for whatever boosted his ego: he told me that I must understand that his ex wife is beautiful (and she is), that his ex partner is very gentle and a pretty little thing (he was in denial about her lies). He didn't mention the others in detail but did go on about one of his ex's who had a creative staff job on a women's magazine. So they seem to be feeding his ego in some way, although I think he has narcissistic tendencies as well... .

... .but I think this worked disadvantageously for me. Without wishing to appear self-aggrandising, I am considered very attractive, with a successful career in a glam industry and a good brain. I think he liked this at first, as arm candy, but as time went on he felt intimidated because his usual modus operandi of impressing didn't work with me, although I liked him just as he was - without the folderols.

I noticed that soon after I became one of his Facebook friends, false claims about the school he attended and details of his work history, were taken down. I assume this is because he realised I was familiar with that world. I find that sad because he didn't need all that tosh to impress me.

So I guess when their need is desperate, anyone who can salve their abandonment issues will do. But when supply is plentiful, they can be more selective and seek someone who can provide whatever they need at that time.

[C.Stein]

My 1st replacement apparently supported my ex through her break up although we hadnt broke up until a week or 2 after they started seeing each other.

I got the impression he was fed all lies i was told about her ex when she met me, so im sure i was abusive and agressive in her words to him (the victim)

Her now husband a different fella to who she cheated on me with also said the same thing, that he supported her through the break up with me!

Im sure again he was fed all the BS i was fed and her cheat partner was fed.

Although her now husband didnt need to support her in leaving me, she had already left me long time before, months before and had partners in between our split and them meeting.

I see the pattern, shes the victim and her ex's are all her abusers. If things go pear shaped with her husband im sure he will become the abuser, she will become the victim and her husbands replacement will be the one who supports her through all of this until he becomes the abuser and she the victim again.

So in my case she selected partners that would care for her as the victim until she got her claws into him. Nothing personal to me im sure as its a pattern i clearly recognise from before we met, to our r/s, to the present time.

If my ex replaced me as I suspect, this is exactly how it went down.  She likely had already been working my replacement weeks, maybe even a month or more, before we actually ended things.  I will also add, this is one of the things I have struggled with the most.

[JaneStorm]

If my ex replaced me as I suspect, this is exactly how it went down.  She likely had already been working my replacement weeks, maybe even a month or more, before we actually ended things.  I will also add, this is one of the things I have struggled with the most.

Me too. I could handle the rage and crazy stuff (because of my FOO conditioning), but the having a couple of twinks on deck was the worst.

[thisworld]

I know that when he wanted to impress the opposite sex he was using my words, my insights, my comments about things, my jokes, my job, my house, and even my mail signature text. In the end, I told him that all those women would actually be fancying me and they were right to do so He usually approached people he thought he could mentor but was not particularly selective.

[Learning Fast]

In breakup situations I feel it is all dependent on availability and opportunity.

My situation was the same as hashtag mentioned with his ex:  mourning the loss of the relationship left such a huge emotional void that whoever opened a door for her, smiled at her or said "Hi" to her would be the one.  She connected with someone within days of our last time together.  And of all places in a small summer town of about 1000 people where the pickings are slim to non-existent.  As many have reported on this thread, my replacement is certainly no prize but it doesn't matter when pwPBD are in such emotional pain.  In a comparative situation for us nons: if your house is ablaze do you really care who rescues you?  Nope.  pwBPD have such an intense need to be "rescued" from their internal emotional blaze that they don't care who it is that "rescues" them.

[Cane787]

@thisworld, that's exactly how mine got every person in her life after meeting me. They all fell for my persona, likes, favorites, words, even down to an amateur version of my walk.