Should one 'parent' a BPD SO?

[tryingtogetit]

Without belittling or condescending, are BPD's outbursts comparable to toddler's tantrums? Both clearly feel misunderstood, like the world is against them and everything is out of their control, especially their own emotions. Both usually want to make another person do something.

Can one compare a BPD's emotional state at those times with that of a ... .year-old? And can responding to the BPD as one would want to respond to a child, balanced parenting without patronising, help ease their pain?

Sorry if the wording seems inappropriate but often times I feel put in a parent role and wonder if that's what needed?

Thanks

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[flourdust]

I wonder this myself. I have started to view the dysregulations as tantrums. It's hard not to see them as child-like, when she says things like "I'll never eat dinner again!", slams the door over and over, and lies in her bed wailing.

But an actual toddler having an actual tantrum can be managed -- you can physically restrain the child if needed, put her in her crib to ride it out, distract her with a comfort animal or snack, and so on. I don't have that power over my wife, nor is she cognitive a toddler -- she's not going to be distracted by a blankie.

Adults also try to avoid letting tantrums control their lives. That's something I have been doing. I don't cater to the dysregulations. There have been several occasions where I have been about to leave for a special event when she melts down. I've left without her. Is this the right thing to do? I don't know. But it feels better than letting her use tantrums to control me.

[unicorn2014]

Without belittling or condescending, are BPD's outbursts comparable to toddler's tantrums? Both clearly feel misunderstood, like the world is against them and everything is out of their control, especially their own emotions. Both usually want to make another person do something.

Can one compare a BPD's emotional state at those times with that of a ... .year-old? And can responding to the BPD as one would want to respond to a child, balanced parenting without patronising, help ease their pain?

Sorry if the wording seems inappropriate but often times I feel put in a parent role and wonder if that's what needed?

Thanks

If you look at a pwBPD as being emotionally arrested , then you can mirror for them what they are feeling. I think SWOE talks about being a mirror and not a sponge. I think that validation is kind of like the stage of child development where you teach a child feelings where you describe them for them. I actually had a humorous experience the other day where my pwBPD told me I was validating him and I didn't even know it.

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with "parenting" your BPD SO if you have the capacity to do so and you are doing it consciously, conscientiously and compassionately. I think it would be good to talk about it with a therapist, however.

[babyducks]

The lessons (in the box to the right) have a lot to say about responding to the outbursts of a pwBPD.    Validation of what is valid is a good place to start.

For me, I don't attempt to manage or fix her feelings any longer.   They are what they are.   I acknowledge that she is feeling whatever emotions she is.   Offer minimal solutions and encouragement.     And try to stay in the middle of the road in terms of response.

[unicorn2014]

Baby ducks, may I ask how long it took and what it took for you to get to that place of no longer trying to fix her feelings and offering minimal encouragement?

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Also did your partner ever display separation anxiety?

[Notwendy]

This is an interesting question. I think in ways it helps to recognize the immaturity and arrested development but I also think it isn't good to assume a parent-child relationship.

For one, it kills intimacy as if you see your partner as a child, and they see you as a parent, then ... .ewww not appealing.

Two, it makes the relationship uneven, with the non assuming he/she is the more mature one. I think this idea is far from the truth. We chose our partners because they match us emotionally. In the book "Passionate Marriage" they call this differentiation. They also make a great point- each partner thinks he or she is the more differentiated ( mature ) one.

It is very difficult for us to look closely at ourselves and admit that if we think they need to grow up, then it is us who needs to grow up too.

That said, I take a parenting perspective on things like anger outbursts as arrested development. Ironically, I could stand firm while my four year old was angry at me and called me a poopy head, but fall apart if my H was yelling and saying mean things. I also was so co-dependent and fearful of his anger that I reinforced it, and it worked for him.


It only got better when I stopped reinforcing it. However to do that, I had to become more emotionally mature myself.

Parenting is not an easy job. We have to learn when to protect our children, and when to stand back and let them learn. When to help and when to let them get frustrated learning something new. It is the same for adults. If we coddle, enable, help too much, we stunt their growth and emotional growth continues well into adulthood.

Same with our partners. If we care for them too much, parent them too much, it isn't good for them.

[babyducks]

Baby ducks, may I ask how long it took and what it took for you to get to that place of no longer trying to fix her feelings and offering minimal encouragement?

----

Also did your partner ever display separation anxiety?

Heya Unicorn,   It took me about a year.   First to identify and understand why it was bad idea for me to try and soothe her or manage her emotions.

I have to echo what Notwendy said

However to do that, I had to become more emotionally mature myself.

When I first got here I thought I was the more emotionally mature one in the relationship.  Ha.  Jokes on me.    There was a reason I chose my partner.   It wasn't a cosmic accident.   Like is said over and over again I picked some one who matched my emotional maturity level.   I've said before that being in a r/s with my partner has given the gift of being more fully myself, more fully human.   I had to grow up and grow up fast if I wanted to things to work out and to not be crushed by the things that were going on in my relationship.   When I was first with my partner I thought it was cool that I could soothe her, it made me feel close to her and frankly quite powerful.  And then the soothing became a full time job.   It was never enough and she became annoyed because some times,... .no matter what I did it didn't work.    Stupidly I kept at it.   I had never heard of validation.   Didn't know much about what a healthy relationship looked like because I came from a dysfunctional family.   Finally something cataclysmic happened and the r/s collapsed under the strain.   Well of course it did.    Neither one of us was acting in a healthy way,  I was twisting myself into a pretzel trying to match her abilities and she was getting annoyed with me because I wasn't living up to my billing, the white knight on the charging stead complete with shining armor.

What it took for me personally to get to the place of not trying to manage or fix things was acceptance.   Acceptance that the r/s might fail or it might not but my primary concern wasn't saving the relationship or fixing things anymore.   My primary concern was living my life to the best of my ability, if she chose to come alone with me that was fine, if she didn't that was going to be fine too.   

'ducks

[unicorn2014]

Thank you not Wendy for the book recommendation, I'm going to pick it up at the library tomorrow.

Thank you baby ducks for replying. As you know my relationship is at the point of needing a therapeutic separation but I don't know if I can do that yet so I'm trying to use the other tools available to me before I take that extreme measure.

[Notwendy]

Ducks, your story is similar to mine in a way. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I didn't know anything different. I had to learn a whole knew way to think and to be who I am, not who I think someone wants me to be.

So, we grow up, and continue to do so... .

[waverider]

The two are comparable due to emotional immaturity. However to use comparable responses is a trap. A child is developing and learning about boundaries, and ultimately they know you have authority over them.

A pwBPD adult may have similar emotion drivers except they are not trying to learn, they are entrenched in their own opinions, they are experts in using these outburst to get what the want. They will not ultimately bow to your authority, they are not going to respond to "being sent to their room" and they will see a response that you might give to a child as patronizing and invalidating and that will only make things worse.

Try giving your BPD partner a lecture, sending them to their room, grounding them for a week because they did something inappropriate, and see where that gets you.

Even subtleties this like dismissive eyerolling and sighing is going to make it worse. Do not say "Grow up"

When I was over parenting my wife once she told me to "stop enabling her to be disabled"... Good insight even if she was trying to get me to enable her at the time (such is BPD double standards)

[waverider]

What it took for me personally to get to the place of not trying to manage or fix things was acceptance.   Acceptance that the r/s might fail or it might not but my primary concern wasn't saving the relationship or fixing things anymore.   My primary concern was living my life to the best of my ability, if she chose to come alone with me that was fine, if she didn't that was going to be fine too.   

'ducks

This is important, it helps us make more consistent and wise decisions, funnily enough it also takes away a lot of the confusion and insecurity in our partners as we become quite easy to predict with no sense of duplicity. pwBPD are adaptable as along as they have an obvious place of stability they can swing around. If we keep moving it throws them completely out of whack.

They have no foundation so we have to have an extra strong one or the whole thing topples over.

Finding yourself, clearly stating this is me, these are my values and this is what I am doing anchors your own recovery if nothing else.