I miss him. Then I remember all of the things he did to me. Lying, cheating, manipulating. He always had an excuse.
I don't believe anything he says. He was so manipulating I still miss him. It doesn't make sense when I type it out and read it. But I do.
Our relayionship ended for multiple reasons. One being he moved about an hour and a half from me. The distance out a strain on us for sure. I found out he was online dating with multiple profiles. The end resulted in a texting war and neither of us decided to reconcile. That was 5 weeks ago. He sent me that message in the beginning of this week and I chose not to respond. I believe he loves me and probably misses the stability I provided for him. He didn't like being "controlled" that was when I would ask any type of question about his life, schedule, etc. I don't trust him and he is extremely selfish. I knew it was time for me to walk away. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. That's the problem I'm facing at this moment. Knowing he had most likely moved on to the idealization phase with someone else while I'm in pain.
This is where I have been and still find myself sometimes, too. I miss my ex and the thought of her moving on is killing me. Well, sometimes it is. Each day, she gets further and further from the front of my mind. I say that because I realize that I was in love with a
dream. She was ideal to me because she made me believe that she was. The reality to that is the complete opposite. She lied to me, cheated on me, and all the while would get mad at me for being to "angry" or "controlling" because I would hold her accountable to certain things.
For me, letting go of the dream was actually harder than letting go of her. I could be wrong, but I feel that's where you are: you miss the dream, the illusion. I work with my ex, so I get the joy of hearing her laugh and talk about this or that like nothing is wrong. We are LC (which is less and less with each passing day), but in the beginning I would hear her laughing and talking like she didn't have a care in the world only to receive a text from her a few minutes later from her talking about how empty she was and hated wearing the mask around everyone.
At one time, I had pity on her. I excused a lot of her behavior because I realized she is mentally ill (she's medicated and going to DBT, for what that's worth). But, I am human, too. I have needs, wants, desires, goals, and dreams. I deserve to be with someone who wants to have those things with me, not someone who pretends they want them all the while having those desires with others. In the end, in that moment she may have wanted those things for herself and me, but as soon as that moment ended she was having another with someone else. Nothing she could ever say or do would change my mind about that.
For instance, when we were shutting down the r/s I would ask her what she did over the weekend (when we wouldn't speak to each other - well, she wouldn't speak to me if I attempted contact). She would tell me "nothing" or "I stayed home all weekend", which was a lie. How do I know? Because 1) I know her and 2) she would say something in a later conversation about how she went to see her ex (who she's supposedly divorcing - and has been for 1+ years) at some point so they could "talk" face to face. Did she do something "wrong" with the ex? I don't know. My gut says "yes", so I'm sticking with it. Why else would she feel the need to omit that to me? But, the rollercoaster doesnt stop there, I was just using that as an example.
Her and I have been on the outs for 3 months, really. What has she done in those 3 months? I'll never know. What I do know, though, is that she'd never tell me the truth about them. She certainly hasn't sat around and done "nothing" for 3 months (thats an eternity to a BPD). She'll rewrite history however she sees fit and I'm the "bad guy" for asking and (even worse) for holding her accountable for her actions. Heck, she isn't even letting our r/s go. What I mean by that is she'll say something like "I don't know why I feel like I do about you but it's just not the same," and immediately follow that with "but, the good old days aren't lost forever to us." She fully feels like there is a future between us.
This past Friday was probably the biggest day for us. I (intentionally? Unintentionally?) made her paint me black. She asked me if I thought she was doing "something she wasn't supposed to" (which is her way of asking me if I thought she was seeing/sleeping with someone). My response, uncaringly so, was "of course. I know you well enough to know you aren't sitting around your house looking at the walls. You haven't been talking to me and you can't help but talk to someone else. You did it to me when you were with me, why shouldn't I think you'd do it without me? Let's face hard reality, you haven't been with me for over 3 months. That's more than enough time for me to be out of the picture for you to justify it, even if you've kept me in limbo that long."
We haven't spoken since. I don't expect her to do so again. At this point, I couldn't care less because she only got mad at me because it's true and she doesn't want to face that. I was good to her, she wasn't good to me. It's time for me to heal and move forward from being used like I was. You deserve that, too.
Stay strong!
