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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Is he happier?  (Read 545 times)
butterfly15
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 110


« on: December 12, 2015, 09:19:29 AM »

I'm am really struggling that my ex hasn't been online dating site for over 2 weeks. He text me that he misses me and loves me very much. I didn't respond. That was it in 5 weeks of NC I got that message this week and no follow through from either of us. I know I need to let it be. I just need to hear some supportive words so I don't reach out. I miss him. I'm sure we all miss out ex. It doesn't mean I should start chasing after him.  Again I can't help but think he found someone else and he is happy. I'm not. I'm grieving.
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C.Stein
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2015, 09:53:05 AM »

DON'T DO IT.  RESISTANCE IS NOT FUTILE!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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thisworld
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2015, 03:42:53 PM »

Hi Butterfly15,

If a guy, any guy with or without a disorder, is texting you saying he loves you and misses you and if you are still thinking that he may be dating someone else and is happy, to me it shows that deep down you don't trust a word that he says. Or at least, you see in him a potential to play two girls at once. Why contact this guy?

Why exactly did you two end your relationship?

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lovenature
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2015, 04:13:59 PM »

A pwBPD mirrors their replacement, idealizes them, they get too close and are devalued. Most will continue to try to contact previous partners to see if they are still available; their relationships are doomed because of their illness; without years of therapy the cycle will repeat.

Block him from contacting you, stay NC and heal. 
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butterfly15
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 110


« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2015, 04:27:55 PM »

Hi Butterfly15,

If a guy, any guy with or without a disorder, is texting you saying he loves you and misses you and if you are still thinking that he may be dating someone else and is happy, to me it shows that deep down you don't trust a word that he says. Or at least, you see in him a potential to play two girls at once. Why contact this guy?

Why exactly did you two end your relationship?

I miss him. Then I remember all of the things he did to me. Lying, cheating, manipulating. He always had an excuse.

I don't believe anything he says. He was so manipulating I still miss him. It doesn't make sense when I type it out and read it. But I do.

Our relayionship ended for multiple reasons. One being he moved about an hour and a half from me. The distance out a strain on us for sure. I found out he was online dating with multiple profiles. The end resulted in a texting war and neither of us decided to reconcile. That was 5 weeks ago. He sent me that message in the beginning of this week and I chose not to respond. I believe he loves me and probably misses the stability I provided for him. He didn't like being "controlled" that was when I would ask any type of question about his life, schedule, etc. I don't trust him and he is extremely selfish. I knew it was time for me to walk away. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. That's the problem I'm facing at this moment. Knowing he had most likely moved on to the idealization phase with someone else while I'm in pain.
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thisworld
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« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2015, 05:31:25 PM »

Don't be so harsh on yourself. You are at a strong point because you are able to distinguish what is real and what is not. Only, your heart and head are not on the same page at the moment. And a lot of people are in the same situation. This is a predictable outcome for unhealthy relationships. 

Missing someone who has manipulated you, who has hurt you is understandable. It is not very healthy but it is very common. Right now, there are millions of women on this planet who were systematically beaten by their husbands - these women are as intelligent as us, as successful as us, as beautiful as us, they are like us in every way you can imagine - who managed to get away and are still missing their batterers. Crazy, right? Well, we are like them in a lot of ways, only our scars are not visible. Ask them, many of them will tell you that emotional hurt is just as bad physical violence. This strange feeling, the fact that we are missing them happens for a number of reasons; in time we start realizing that it was not only because of love but also because of confusion, a temporary erosion of self-confidence simply because we experienced so much pain in what was supposed to be a haven of trust, safety, comfort whatnot. Mind you, these emotionally dangerous exes are very "lovable" sometimes, more than your ordinary guy. Sometimes this is because they have to compensate for their bad behaviour, otherwise nobody would stay with them. Do not judge yourself negatively because you are missing him. However, please do not fall for these very common manipulation tactics, either. He is probably testing his control on you. I personally believe they have truly lovable aspects as well, but the damage they cause - intentionally or not- makes it impossible for many of us to be around them and love them. grieving is only normal.

Have you read here how recycled relationships with individuals with BPD run? The second time is usually worse than the first round.

When BPD is around, love is not what we understand of it. It is need-based, it is not about you as a person, it won't be about the person he's dating. People are more or less irrelevant, there is no consistency. That's why, they are able to find someone else so easily. Do you really want to put yourself into this again?

Lessons and exercises on this website help me a lot.

Idealization is not something with more substance than devaluation. It doesn't mean that he is loving someone in a way that will result in something other than what you experienced.

It's only normal and healthy that you will be in pain for some time and he will appear happy. This is because you are a healthy individual who experiences pain, is able to learn different things and grow to find real happiness, whereas he will probably be more or less in this emotional framework for the rest of his life - unless he receives serious treatment and then many of them drop it. The moment he feels close to someone, he will do something to push that person. What happy?

Your emotional capacities causing you pain right now will let you find real happiness one day, and you'll thrive. Just give yourself a chance and carry on healing.

Big hugs,   
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2015, 10:11:57 PM »

I miss him. Then I remember all of the things he did to me. Lying, cheating, manipulating. He always had an excuse.

I don't believe anything he says. He was so manipulating I still miss him. It doesn't make sense when I type it out and read it. But I do.

Our relayionship ended for multiple reasons. One being he moved about an hour and a half from me. The distance out a strain on us for sure. I found out he was online dating with multiple profiles. The end resulted in a texting war and neither of us decided to reconcile. That was 5 weeks ago. He sent me that message in the beginning of this week and I chose not to respond. I believe he loves me and probably misses the stability I provided for him. He didn't like being "controlled" that was when I would ask any type of question about his life, schedule, etc. I don't trust him and he is extremely selfish. I knew it was time for me to walk away. I didn't think it would hurt this bad. That's the problem I'm facing at this moment. Knowing he had most likely moved on to the idealization phase with someone else while I'm in pain.

This is where I have been and still find myself sometimes, too.  I miss my ex and the thought of her moving on is killing me.  Well, sometimes it is.  Each day, she gets further and further from the front of my mind.  I say that because I realize that I was in love with a dream.  She was ideal to me because she made me believe that she was.  The reality to that is the complete opposite.  She lied to me, cheated on me, and all the while would get mad at me for being to "angry" or "controlling" because I would hold her accountable to certain things.

For me, letting go of the dream was actually harder than letting go of her.  I could be wrong, but I feel that's where you are: you miss the dream, the illusion.  I work with my ex, so I get the joy of hearing her laugh and talk about this or that like nothing is wrong.  We are LC (which is less and less with each passing day), but in the beginning I would hear her laughing and talking like she didn't have a care in the world only to receive a text from her a few minutes later from her talking about how empty she was and hated wearing the mask around everyone.

At one time, I had pity on her.  I excused a lot of her behavior because I realized she is mentally ill (she's medicated and going to DBT, for what that's worth).  But, I am human, too.  I have needs, wants, desires, goals, and dreams.  I deserve to be with someone who wants to have those things with me, not someone who pretends they want them all the while having those desires with others.  In the end, in that moment she may have wanted those things for herself and me, but as soon as that moment ended she was having another with someone else.  Nothing she could ever say or do would change my mind about that.

For instance, when we were shutting down the r/s I would ask her what she did over the weekend (when we wouldn't speak to each other - well, she wouldn't speak to me if I attempted contact).  She would tell me "nothing" or "I stayed home all weekend", which was a lie.  How do I know?  Because 1) I know her and 2) she would say something in a later conversation about how she went to see her ex (who she's supposedly divorcing - and has been for 1+ years) at some point so they could "talk" face to face.  Did she do something "wrong" with the ex?  I don't know.  My gut says "yes", so I'm sticking with it.  Why else would she feel the need to omit that to me?  But, the rollercoaster doesnt stop there, I was just using that as an example.

Her and I have been on the outs for 3 months, really.  What has she done in those 3 months?  I'll never know.  What I do know, though, is that she'd never tell me the truth about them.  She certainly hasn't sat around and done "nothing" for 3 months (thats an eternity to a BPD).  She'll rewrite history however she sees fit and I'm the "bad guy" for asking and (even worse) for holding her accountable for her actions.  Heck, she isn't even letting our r/s go.  What I mean by that is she'll say something like "I don't know why I feel like I do about you but it's just not the same," and immediately follow that with "but, the good old days aren't lost forever to us."  She fully feels like there is a future between us.

This past Friday was probably the biggest day for us.  I (intentionally?  Unintentionally?) made her paint me black.  She asked me if I thought she was doing "something she wasn't supposed to" (which is her way of asking me if I thought she was seeing/sleeping with someone).  My response, uncaringly so, was "of course.  I know you well enough to know you aren't sitting around your house looking at the walls.  You haven't been talking to me and you can't help but talk to someone else.  You did it to me when you were with me, why shouldn't I think you'd do it without me?  Let's face hard reality, you haven't been with me for over 3 months.  That's more than enough time for me to be out of the picture for you to justify it, even if you've kept me in limbo that long." 

We haven't spoken since.  I don't expect her to do so again.  At this point, I couldn't care less because she only got mad at me because it's true and she doesn't want to face that.  I was good to her, she wasn't good to me.  It's time for me to heal and move forward from being used like I was.  You deserve that, too.

Stay strong!
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