Projecting her feelings onto Dad

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think my uBPDm is projecting her feelings onto my Dad. We were discussing my sister's ex boyfriend who was a jerk because he broke up with her because he wanted to be single, no arguments there, and she said (for at least the second time in my life) she thinks my dad regrets getting married. Uhh, thanks Mom for making me feel like he regrets the union that resulted in our immediate family. I just said he's a wonderful dad, and I can see that he is the type of guy that wouldn't desire to remarry. She agreed, so we ended on a good note.

But it got me thinking... .maybe *she* is the one who regrets marrying him! Yes, he doesn't seem happy with the relationship, but it is due to her behavior, hoarding, etc. She's the one who makes it miserable for the majority of the situations in our family. I think she sees his reactions as the issue, not her crazy behavior.

I just sometimes wonder why the heck she tells me he regrets marrying her! I mean, he is my father and we have a great relationship. Maybe she's trying to turn me against him. I really think she is jealous of my relationship and love for him. It's just crazy how I am realizing how messed up things are with the family dynamic.

Is this the BPD or just a weird family dynamic? These realizations confuse me so much .

[ViaCrusis1689]

I think my uBPDm is projecting her feelings onto my Dad. We were discussing my sister's ex boyfriend who was a jerk because he broke up with her because he wanted to be single, no arguments there, and she said (for at least the second time in my life) she thinks my dad regrets getting married. Uhh, thanks Mom for making me feel like he regrets the union that resulted in our immediate family. I just said he's a wonderful dad, and I can see that he is the type of guy that wouldn't desire to remarry. She agreed, so we ended on a good note.

But it got me thinking... .maybe *she* is the one who regrets marrying him! Yes, he doesn't seem happy with the relationship, but it is due to her behavior, hoarding, etc. She's the one who makes it miserable for the majority of the situations in our family. I think she sees his reactions as the issue, not her crazy behavior.

I just sometimes wonder why the heck she tells me he regrets marrying her! I mean, he is my father and we have a great relationship. Maybe she's trying to turn me against him. I really think she is jealous of my relationship and love for him. It's just crazy how I am realizing how messed up things are with the family dynamic.

Is this the BPD or just a weird family dynamic? These realizations confuse me so much .

[Kwamina]

Hi ViaCrusis1689

I can see why you find this confusing because it really is quite confusing! That's one aspect of my childhood I greatly struggled with, the confusion and not being able to understand why my mother behaved the way she did, why my older brother and sister behaved the way they did, why my other sister was treated so badly, why the atmosphere at home felt so oppressive that I felt like I couldn't breathe, why I always felt so on edge at home and why at a very young age I already so strongly felt like I didn't want to live with my family anymore. It's all a big ball of confusion.

I think there can be various explanations for why your mother says these things. You've already mentioned some which I think could definitely be a factor here. Another thing that comes to mind is that people with BPD have a very shaky sense of self and often struggle with low self-esteem and intense feelings of shame. If this is also true for your mother, another explanation could be that she actually might feel herself unworthy to be married to your dad, perhaps feeling unworthy to be loved by someone. This could also be tied in with the intense fear of abandonment many people with BPD have.

When you consider your mom, how do you think she views herself? Do you feel like she struggles with low self-esteem and feelings of shame? And do you feel like she struggles with fears of abandonment?

[ViaCrusis1689]

Hi ViaCrusis1689

I can see why you find this confusing because it really is quite confusing! That's one aspect of my childhood I greatly struggled with, the confusion and not being able to understand why my mother behaved the way she did, why my older brother and sister behaved the way they did, why my other sister was treated so badly, why the atmosphere at home felt so oppressive that I felt like I couldn't breathe, why I always felt so on edge at home and why at a very young age I already so strongly felt like I didn't want to live with my family anymore. It's all a big ball of confusion.

I think there can be various explanations for why your mother says these things. You've already mentioned some which I think could definitely be a factor here. Another thing that comes to mind is that people with BPD have a very shaky sense of self and often struggle with low self-esteem and intense feelings of shame. If this is also true for your mother, another explanation could be that she actually might feel herself unworthy to be married to your dad, perhaps feeling unworthy to be loved by someone. This could also be tied in with the intense fear of abandonment many people with BPD have.

When you consider your mom, how do you think she views herself? Do you feel like she struggles with low self-esteem and feelings of shame? And do you feel like she struggles with fears of abandonment?

Thank you Kwamina for the insightful feedback.

I am sorry you dealt with so much confusion as a child. I am just realizing I did as well, as my parents' interactions for the most part were/are not completely healthy. It's ironic how I am so much more sensitive to the dysfunction now that I have moved back home after college. I probably was just so used to it that when I was in a "normal" environment and then came back, it was a huge eye-opener.

I don't know about the self-esteem issue. She seems so confident with the outside world, but I think the messy/semi-hoarding state of the house is a reflection of her inner turmoil. Perhaps she is angry with herself because of the state of things, but at the same time, she won't do anything to improve them, so it just gets worse as time passes.

I actually thinks she wishes she was free of my dad; he rarely does anything right in her eyes. She complains about him to a lot of people, and I think she's convinced some of my family that he is a difficult person to deal with when he is not. I have not been able to tell any of them that she is the one who makes him out to be the crazy one, not that I would believed anyway. She is just so angry with him the majority of the time! So part of me does not think that she fears abandonment at all, unless the above are just defense mechanisms to suppress it. If she is suppressing it, she's doing one heck of a job!

[Kwamina]

I am sorry you dealt with so much confusion as a child. I am just realizing I did as well, as my parents' interactions for the most part were/are not completely healthy. It's ironic how I am so much more sensitive to the dysfunction now that I have moved back home after college. I probably was just so used to it that when I was in a "normal" environment and then came back, it was a huge eye-opener.

This makes a lot of sense. We can't know what we don't know and only after going to college and returning, were you able to look at things with 'new' eyes from an outsider's perspective. What were the most significant things you were able to identify as dysfunctional after moving back home after college?

I don't know about the self-esteem issue. She seems so confident with the outside world, but I think the messy/semi-hoarding state of the house is a reflection of her inner turmoil. Perhaps she is angry with herself because of the state of things, but at the same time, she won't do anything to improve them, so it just gets worse as time passes.

You raise a good point here. A pwBPD's behavior is often a reflection of his/her own inner turmoil and/or negativity so it could indeed very well be that the state your mother keeps the house in is a reflection of her own inner state. Quite possibly the outer and inner states are interacting with each other and reinforcing each other.

I actually thinks she wishes she was free of my dad; he rarely does anything right in her eyes. She complains about him to a lot of people, and I think she's convinced some of my family that he is a difficult person to deal with when he is not. I have not been able to tell any of them that she is the one who makes him out to be the crazy one, not that I would believed anyway. She is just so angry with him the majority of the time! So part of me does not think that she fears abandonment at all, unless the above are just defense mechanisms to suppress it. If she is suppressing it, she's doing one heck of a job!

How is your dad's relationship with your other family-members, particularly the ones you believe might be buying into your mother's stories?

How does your dad respond to your mother's anger?

[ViaCrusis1689]

This makes a lot of sense. We can't know what we don't know and only after going to college and returning, were you able to look at things with 'new' eyes from an outsider's perspective. What were the most significant things you were able to identify as dysfunctional after moving back home after college?

I think it was their poor communication skills. They get frustrated with each other and then just stew and complain to my sisters and I (and sometimes other people, more in the case of my uBPDM). They don't solve issues like I would expect a married couple to do. Granted, I've never been in a relationship, but I just know something is off with theirs.

You raise a good point here. A pwBPD's behavior is often a reflection of his/her own inner turmoil and/or negativity so it could indeed very well be that the state your mother keeps the house in is a reflection of her own inner state. Quite possibly the outer and inner states are interacting with each other and reinforcing each other.

Yes, this makes complete sense. I also think it is partially may be a perfectionism issue, and she is paralyzed when it comes to organizing, keeping/not keeping things.

How is your dad's relationship with your other family-members, particularly the ones you believe might be buying into your mother's stories?

How does your dad respond to your mother's anger?

Those who hear her complaints think he is eccentric and a little crazy. I mean, they have a good relationship, I think, but I think my mom tints their opinion of them, if that makes sense.

As for how he responds to her anger, he usually is passive, unless he gets really frustrated, and then he might snap at her and raise his voice, and then she may respond in kind. Silent treatments may ensue. He usually just mutters under his breath and comments "Sheesh" or something similar. It just gets very strained and awkward.