Behavior / Communication Logging?

[FartonmyHeart]

All right, so, ESPECIALLY after this weekend's debacle (see the post chain of events evolve here if you're interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287313.new) wherein I seriously misunderstood my pwBPD's communication efforts and warning signs, reacted with empty (or worse) validation, and ended up being completely taken by surprise by a HUGE storm with content I really didn't see coming... .I started thinking about charting his more common behaviors/phrases, their motivations or precursors (when/if knowable, for preventative/authentic response purposes), & responses (likelihood of escalation vs return of agitation vs total deescalation). I'm going back and forth about whether listing his most common behaviors is:

1. hyper-focusing, unhealthy, and frankly just weird

2. a necessary backbone for analyzing MY growth in warning sign recognition & healthy responses

3. a way to potentially lessen--or increase, eek, it could happen--my FOG anxieties about not being vigilant enough/being too vigilant by identifying actual red flag behaviors for self harm, psychosis, etc. in the future

Anyway, unless someone knows of an existing tool for this purpose, I'd think my content would be something like this (only in a nice chart to please the PM in me, of course):

Behavior: "GREY SHIRT" Distinct lack of grooming; esp. characterized by wearing his threadbare grey shirt. **Body check necessary if long pants are worn to bed or long sleeves worn over shirt.** Suggested Issue: general agitation - mod/sev. High risk of impending/recent self harm. Low risk of histrionics.

Responses:

1. Do nothing, but be aware he is in a state of escalation?

2. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

3. Offer choices of stress-relieving activities for him solo

4. **ONLY IF BURNS PRESENT: Crisis Plan Process: ":)o you want to go to the hospital?"/911 if necessary

This way my journal entries, when they refer to incidents with him, could just be shorthand and focus on my responses... .like, he was wearing his grey shirt & I noticed/asked abt burn on his arm. #4 and he ____ . I SET w/ short term success, which led him to call N. Bianca who went over TIP. My SET was: ____ & I felt it worked/didn't b/c ___ I felt in/validated by ___ Could improve next time by ___ etc.

Guess my thought process is that with a sort of shorthand key I could spend more time focusing on MY RESPONSES and risk less getting caught up in storytelling back to myself as a release, plus of course I'd have a sort of clue-card for some of the worst of my pwBPD's disregulation Red Flags--though I know I would have to keep in mind not to reduce him to a set of behaviors/not behaviors or condescend him or assume, in the vein of split thinking, that a behavior of his ALWAYS means one thing.

The analyst in me is really attracted to this idea, particularly as it helps provide a certain line of preparedness as I try to adopt "stop the bleeding" and DBT protocols to our communication while he is still severely disregulated, coping via his EDNOS, self harm, & disassociation without ANY therapeutic or informal support system other than his meds. He lacks the ability to healthfully self-soothe, assert his needs, or even identify his emotions 90% of the time; and he's not learning new coping skills on his own anytime soon. I mean, therapy is GONNA happen, but we're so close to the holidays, & with insurance changing over for the new year, and having to leave it to him to arrange... .let's be real. SOO having a "cheat sheet" to help me diffuse bombs properly instead of just keeping the peace ineffectually (since he'll blow up eventually anyway) or, worse yet, doing what I did this weekend and thinking I was on-track but making things worse sounds like a totally wizard genius idea, haha.

However being that I know I'm pretty thoroughly swathed in Co-D BS right now and trying to carefully extract myself, I am super wary of my own judgement. Sigh. Thoughts? I trust your honest voices and thank anyone who read through this crazy long neurotic post. <3

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[Chilibean13]

I love this! If you can figure out how to get it into a functional spreadhseet (Yeah, I'm a NERD!  ) send it my way. I would like to be able to track what works and what doesn't work. In my mind I know precursors but I have no hard data on it.

[waverider]

The most important thing is that behavioral redflags raise an awareness in you as opposed to preemptive diagnosis and corrective action.

It can be too easy to jump the gun and inadvertently fuel something that is potentially only a flicker.

If you get too academic about all this it can take over your life until it becomes your obsession too. Stuff is going to happen, not letting it get to you is as important as having the response ready to go.

"Wow, that caught me off guard, never mind life goes on" is a good response to keep in your mental toolbox, as opposed to "Arrggh, I should have done this or that, I stuffed up again"

[FartonmyHeart]

The most important thing is that behavioral redflags raise an awareness in you as opposed to preemptive diagnosis and corrective action. It can be too easy to jump the gun and inadvertently fuel something that is potentially only a flicker. If you get too academic about all this it can take over your life until it becomes your obsession too. Stuff is going to happen, not letting it get to you is as important as having the response ready to go. "Wow, that caught me off guard, never mind life goes on" is a good response to keep in your mental toolbox, as opposed to "Arrggh, I should have done this or that, I stuffed up again"

So I was processing the concept as I was typing the post, it definitely came out hung up on my hang ups, basically I was afraid of doing exactly what you describe, @Waverider. My intentions were really poorly expressed since they were still less than half-formed. What I think I'm going to try doing is really an improvement measure for myself and how I process my reactions and much less about making a "Mate Preparedness Manual," as if he were some kind of wild animal or natural disaster, ugh, didn't mean to sound like such a jerk, but sure 'nuff did. It was a truly rough weekend and I was desperately disappointed in myself, explanation, not excuse. =/ Anyway. This idea would be used as a stop-gap only for the short term, probably over the next 3-5 weeks as he finds himself a personal T, we begin couples T, he gets a group routine going, etc--or he doesn't, and I reevaluate whether I can deal with our situation.

Basically, my thoughts are that he is NOT working on his issues on his own. At all, as far as I can tell. If anything, he's regressing. Beyond the biggie stuff (EDNOS, self harm, histrionic/psychotic dissociative episodes, ST/stonewalling, compulsive lying, med compliance, etc), he's pushing little boundaries everywhere, stretching bigger ones every day; he must sense I am picking my battles so his BPD defense mechanisms are "working the system" to wear me down. But if he's not able to work on himself yet, I can, however, work on my reactions and my acceptance process on my own. But I've gotta be wary of hyperfocusing on his behaviors and speculating on his feelings over my own.

So, if I make a (brief) list of Red Flags, I can keep the focus on my reactions in my journaling kind of in the manner described in my previous posting. However, where I think that first post went wrong was in implying journaling my reactions should focus on refining my responses to his behaviors rather than just giving me safe space to document, consider the appropriateness in retrospect w/out rumination, and accept the events and feelings that occurred during high stress encounters. Recent events also revealed to me that I've totes screwed up plenty and clearly need some kind of review process: but having no outside party like a T to do so and seeing as my pwBPD is completely unable to cope with communication still b/c he has no support system or skills training, I've gotta come up with something myself or really just risk doing more accidental escalation like this past weekend. Plus, I am finding adjusting to applying these techniques incredibly emotionally taxing. Here's hoping that making it "easy" to journal about my feelings in the wake of these high-stress situations will help me accept and release them faster.

I might still be doing it wrong, haha. But I'm at my wits' end, I have to do SOMETHING, I feel I'm carrying too much weight on my own and need a place to put some of it down or I might collapse myself and I just don't have/can't find any better ideas.

Thanks again for your insight.