I can't go NC with the ex, I have to give him narcissistic supply. I hate it.

[thisworld]

So yes, with the help of my T, I'll be going gray rock with super impulsive, anxious, sabotage-loving BPD ex who also has narcissistic traits and has a streak of emotional sadism.

What's worse, I'll even have to provide a bit of narcissistic supply for him and go gray rock gradually so that the difference between previous communication and gray rock doesn't frustrate him - hell, everything frustrates him. I'm totally totally hating it because it's difficult to detach when I'm continuously trying to see the manipulation (not very difficult actually), trying to find responses at a certain balance (difficult with so many conflicting layers he has) and writing to him (even if from a survival point) affects me. Trying to write something with a bit of narcissistic supply and also having a bit of gray rock triggers my anxiety. Checking whether he responded (from a survival point) gets mixed up with my soft spots for him (hell!)  I hope, the more I see his shallowness (which I get to see a lot nowadays) the more I will focus on strategy and forget about the soft spots. At the same time, I find myself wishing he was a more calculated, controlled NPD or even a psychopath so maybe he wouldn't be as volatile as he is. I just want to cry sometimes.

How I wish I could just go NC.  Any advice on how I could relax would be appreciated.

 

[Herodias]

It is amazing how we can see what they are doing once we study up on it... .when we are emotional about it though is where we get in trouble. They don't have the same emotions. Mine lies so I never even know the truth! I think it takes time... .Have a hard time actually saying when I was out of this, since I have diddled around with him over the past year. No contact basically since August until now as we get closer to divorce. What can't you go no contact? I understand the feeling that we wish they are psychopaths, because I think that is what I wanted, so somehow I could feel less sorry for him. Maybe we just need to see that it is just about as bad with all the crazy making.

[thisworld]

Blue

NC frustrates him enormously and he reaches out to circles that are beyond his friend circles. He is very impulsive and getting a restraining order is difficult in my country and he also has parasuicides that go wrong. I know I'm not responsible for his life but really don't want to find trouble in front of my door. My T advises going gray rock but his anxiety cannot even handle the switch to polite gray rock. Argh!

[hollycat]

Turn boring. Bore the living daylights out of him. Respond, but in an unresponsive way.    Be minimally polite; give no info on yourself or your activities.

Him: What are you doing?

You:  Oh, the usual. Listen, I need to go pee (or get a glass of water, or wipe up a spill, anything dull).  Talk later! (hang up)

I believe your anxiety will lessen as you feel more control over the communication.

[thisworld]

Thank you for the morale boost Hollycat, I so need it. You are right, maybe I'll get better with practice. I feel OK with gray rock. I feel I can manage it. But this transitory period where I have to decrease narcissistic supply gradually (because going directly to gray rock frustrates him as much as no contact) is killing me. I get triggered, anxious, paranoid (how is he gonna read this now, how is he gonna perceive this etc). But you are right. I need to change my mental attitude about myself. I have to approach this from a position of strength. Luckily, I know or get to know his weaknesses. I've just noticed that when he is angry (this happens even when I say something positive, even say that it's positive but he experiences this as rejection) he imitates what he thinks is  my communication pattern or style to make me feel bad:)) So I learnt what hurt him and change it. However, I'm very sensitized and it's not good for detachment. I don't have feelings but keep on checking my mail for instance. It sucks.

[Herodias]

Mine is a cutter, so I understand. The best approach for me was tell him that I was not able to help him, but I would call the police to go help him. That usually stopped him if he was faking it, or got him the help if he did. He is keeping you trapped through this type of self abuse. Somehow, you still need to take another approach. I agree, you are not responsible to save his life. Only he can do that. My T told me to tell him I don't know how to help, so I will call someone. It really works. He learns that he can not play the games and that I will call someone if he really needs it... .which at times he did. Sometimes he needed a break from life and would actually want to go to the hospital. How he is not doing this now with all of the pressure on him is amazing to me! You need to help yourself or you are no good to anyone. Think of the airlines where you put the air mask on yourself first! Help you! xo

[hollycat]

Maybe I am in the minority here, but I believe my BpdH would show more good behavior if it was modeled for him.  He fools everyone. Certainly me. He is a handsome, tough looking alpha male who is really as fragile as blown glass. But you look at him and think: this guy can do anything.

hahahahahahaha

He is begging for help in many ways.  I finally realized a few days ago when he asks questions about behavior, he isn't quizzing me, as I used to take it, he is really searching for answers.  So, I adjust my mindset and become more patient and focus on my needs and perhaps he will have one or two of his own met by me doing that.  Positive modeling. Boundaries. Kindness. Appreciation.  Thank you for caring for me.  If you are going to rage, I refuse to listen.

He has a genius level IQ and the vulgar mouth of 10 sailors.  I finally got him to stop, for a while, by using humor.  When he cursed, I would snuggle up against him and say,"say that again. M-f.  You are turning me on."  Even the man with anehedonia would smile.

It's better than crying over the fantasy.  I can control my behavior. I will no longer turn that power over to him.  He drove us right into the rocks.

[thisworld]

Thank you Hollycat, some useful tips. Similar things didn't work in our relationship but is good for my mindset. Only, with this double axis, I cant just be very positive either, because if he wants me - and he can't have me, that will frustrate him, too. I'll feel much better when this goes down to normal gray rock. Still, I have to remind myself that I read him well and am not that weak.