Are you the false-self replacement? This might help you.

[Joem678]

My experience... .

I have gone through many "episodes" with my wife.  This is what I call them. This goes back 20 years.  A common question asked on this board, Why do we stick around?  It's because they were hurt as a child and we love them.  This is how I rationalized these episodes.  So, my wife was her true-self with me from the very beginning.  I strongly feel that she fell in love with me during this period.  Her "false-self" periods have occured about 5 times in our marriage.  So these are some of her more prominent patterns.  Hopefully, this helps you guys:

1)  She meets a new group of friends.  She transitions into her 'False-Self"

2)  She paints me black to these friends.

3)  Whatever she tells them, encourage them to "talk" to this guy because I deserve to be cheated on.

4)  After some drama, fantasy and stuff she does pursue it.  By this time, the guy has been introduced to her.

5)  She paints me black to the guy.  But, they are dead-ends!  It's as if she knows they are not permanent and she is only fulfilling the support

   from her friends.

    This is where some of you really need to ask yourselves, Is this ex out of the picture?  My wife would speak, what I now consider, in secret to me during these episodes. One reason is because her talking to me would not fit her "false-self" world and another reason is she would set me up in ways to justify her fantasy world.  Of course, I would fall for it.

6)  The relationship with the guy would last a short while.  She starts to devalue him quickly.  (3-6months).  Transitions back to her

    "true-self" and starts to reach out to me in a very sneaky, subtle way.

7)  She can't keep up with the "false-self" fantasy anymore.  Her friends start to see through her and detach from her.

8)  She drops the guy.  I have seem a couple of guys just devastated by this.The last guy became obsessed with her and started stalking her.  

    She literally, never speaks to them again.  This happens from one day to the next.

9)  She starts correcting what she broke.  For example, she will have to switch jobs.

Final Step)  She cries to me during what I guess I would consider a reconciliation attempt.   We do move on together but immediately it's as if nothing ever happened.  Like the previous 3-6 months never occurred.  After that, I would just get "no one told you to stay!"

Some of you seek the answer to the question, Are they coming back?  Please understand, when they recycle, it is more emotionally-based.  I have never seen her "false-self" 100%.  I hope this helps.

[burritoman]

I can definitely understand this concept. This would help justify why they seem to just disappear quickly. I wonder if they know this concept already. Rather than keep us as options they already know they'll return.

[Joem678]

I think they do.  It is a learned trait.  My wife took our wedding photos and put them in her room at her mom's.  Her behavior really pointed in the direction of "not letting go".  We will see.

[thisworld]

My ex cannot let go of people who cheated on him, played him and discarded him etc. He is obsessed with each and every of them. I think some of them have NPD or BPD themselves. He talks about them in a denigrating way as well, it just depends on his mood. He also rewrites his history accordingly. I think my ex thinks love is anguish and emotional chaos. People who treat him respectfully, humanely, lovingly are just kicked out of his life. What would this mean in terms of true-self, false-self?