Want to go NC with BPD mom

[Sarah girl]

Hi everyone, I've been LC with my BPD mom for a few months now. I have to say that it's been a very peaceful time in my life (not in hers). I have learned not to get sucked in to her crises and vitriolic talk. She often tries to get me on-side but I remain neutral and shut down the conversation when it goes south. I know she's very frustrated about it and it comes out in short bursts of anger and accusations. Overall though, she's been trying to be on her best behavior. I know she's dying to get back to that place where she calls me five times a day, she isolates and guilts me and trash talks everyone.

I'm due to give birth in 3 weeks. My aunt (who lives in another city) called yesterday and wanted me to promise her that I would enlist my mom's help when I go into labor. I felt pressured and stressed. I don't want my mom or her toxic waif/witch behavior anywhere near us when the time comes. My aunt demanded to know my birthing plan. I didn't give her any information and felt upset that she was prying into our privacy. I don't feel that I owe her any explanation and don't understand where this sudden pushiness is coming from.

We have decided to go it alone. My mom will not be involved and will be informed after the fact. The last time I went into labor, she basically raged at me and the medical staff while I was giving birth. Afterwards, she told me I was not "mom material" and that my son would be better off with her. It was pure h*ll and I don't wish to re-live it.

I think my mom has complained to my aunt about the LC and has her triangulating for intel. It makes me feel very resentful of my mom. She hates my aunt but has no issues manipulating her to advocate on her behalf.  I don't want to talk to her about our birthing plan and all this is making me want to go NC. I just want to be free. Any thoughts?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Sarah girl,

You've got a lot going on and I don't blame you for being irritated that your aunt was adding pressure with her questions. Your birth plan is your business, and although it's possible that your aunt's intentions are good, it's very likely, as you said, that there's some triangulation happening here.

Your health and the baby's are the most important thing here. You know what you have to do to set up for the most positive birth experience. If that doesn't include having your mother there for the birth, then that's the way that it has to be. You don't owe anyone an explanation, including your mother or your aunt.

I think my mom has complained to my aunt about the LC and has her triangulating for intel. It makes me feel very resentful of my mom. She hates my aunt but has no issues manipulating her to advocate on her behalf.  I don't want to talk to her about our birthing plan and all this is making me want to go NC. I just want to be free. Any thoughts?

It definitely seems like your mom has enlisted your aunt to do some intel work. What level of involvement are you comfortable with giving your mother in the future? How likely is she to adhere to your boundaries and ground rules? Whether or not you decide to go from LC to NC, you'll need to think about how to handle the potential for future triangulation. There are some good tools here that can help you deal with your relatives.

Congrats on the new addition, BTW, and best wishes for a safe delivery.

[daughterandmom]

Hi Sarah girl

I am so glad that your life has been more peaceful since you went LC with your mom. Being pregnant, the last thing you need is more stress. I am sorry you are feeling pressured right now- but this time is about you and your child and your husband. You want to be completely present and focused on your child and these precious first times not worrying about how your mom is going to ruin it. Sorry to be blunt- but you don't get to redo these times, and if it ends up being about your mom, someday you'll feel guilty for not having your attention completely on your baby. Maybe someday you can incorporate your mom back in to your life on a limited basis when you feel strong and settled enough. But based on what happened last time, I sure understand why you would be dreading this time. I am so sorry you have to deal with this right now.

I wish I had been strong enough to keep my mom away when I had my kids- I regret it now because I was worried about her the whole time and not really focused on bonding with my kids and husband. I regret that. My mom is different than yours- she doesn't rage, but somehow she managed to make it all about her. I didn't want her in the room when I was in serious labor and she got all hurt and cried because I wanted to be alone with my husband. When I had my second child she didn't eat all day and wandered around in the parking lot in the hot sun and then admitted herself to the hospital with heatstroke. So then when we got released with the baby we had to go stop by her room to say goodbye . She also insisted on sitting next to my bed with the baby and holding them nonstop and getting all hurt when I tried to take a turn. Made me feel selfish and hurtful for wanting to hold my own child.

Enough about me- my advice is don't let her ruin it. This is important. You and your children are what matters now

Wishing you a peaceful time  

[Please help]

Congrats on the baby. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I think your plan is great. These BPD people are so toxic that even a 5 minute encounter will leave one feeling depressed for several days.

If you can, protect your family and your own sanity at all costs.

[Sarah girl]

Thanks everyone for all your support and advice. I've been discussing boundaries with dh and I think we have a straightforward plan for the birth. He's quite firm about putting our immediate family first and telling others on a need-to-know basis when we're ready to tell them.

It's a very difficult time. I keep thinking about how my mom is all alone because she's pushed everyone away and yet when we open our doors, her BPD throws everyone off balance and into crisis. I realized last night that it's not my job to parent her or be the life partner and emotional support that she expects me to be. The fact that I constantly worry about her feeling abandoned and being alone takes away from my time and energy as the actual parent of my children. They do need me to be there for them but I often feel too guilty and distracted to give them my 100%. This is what I'd like to work on as I move into the new year.

daughterandmom, my mom, just like yours, did make both of my previous births about her. She makes everything about her. I feel like I've been robbed of all of life's important milestones because the rest of us constantly need to take her perceptions into consideration above all else. Not only are things about her, she constantly relives past experiences and talks about how everyone in her life is ungrateful, awful to her or just plain jealous and malicious. I'm exhausted at this point. 

[maddnessreturns]

Wow. I was just so taken back that even while pregnant and everything that brings you are still able to recognize what happens when you are in contact with your BPD mother. And you are right it isn't your job or responsibility to "fix" her. Focusing on your needs, your family needs and your babies needs is the most important. I hope NC brings you peace if you decide to go that direction.