Spoke to friend of BPD ex last night

[Bigmd]

        Well last nite while working I get a Merry  Xmas message from a number I don't recognize. I asked who it was and it turns out its a mutual female friend of my ex and mine. We haven't spoken in over 6 months since the break up. But actually my ex didn't want me talking to her anyway. This was a girl I was friends with before my ex. A girl that was best friends with my ex , that my ex bad mouthed a lot . Anyway of course the convo turned to my ex and I explained my side of the story. Turned out my exBPDgf never even told her much about breakup or the reason. But she never bad mouthed me either. I also found out she is alone and not dating. Which made me feel good . This girl told me she couldn't understand why we stopped talking. I explained to her the I wasn't really allowed to, she was in shock.

         We swapped many stories of rages and silent treatment . My friend told me as recent as last Sunday my ex flipped out on her and stopped talking to her . I told her details of our relationship and she had no idea what I went through but told me she goes through the same. I told her about BPD and she was gonna look it up. She did share with me that she went to a spiritual advisor and was told to stay away from my ex haha.

           We talked for 2.5 hours and it felt good to get some stuff out there. I thought I was painted black to this girl.  My friend seems to think me and my ex will talk again. I couldn't help but think if my ex put her up to this. I'm not sure how I feel now. It didn't set me back but I did have a vivid dream about my ex. To be honest to know she isn't seeing anyone has got me feeling good. Not to get back because that ain't happening but because that's what bothered me, that she may have moved on with someone new. I came away feeling good from this. Let me know what you think.

[SummerStorm]

I've found it definitely does help to talk to someone who has been through what you've been through, in regards to the same pwBPD.  Each pwBPD is unique, even though they all share many of the same traits.  It really helps solidify the fact that, although we clearly had a role in the dysfunction of the relationship, there really isn't anything we could have done to make it any better.  My pwBPD is diagnosed but untreated and thinks she's fine, so even the tools on here don't really seem to help me communicate with her.  It's tough.

Your ex sounds a lot like mine.  When she breaks up with someone, she doesn't really say anything about it to anyone.  She doesn't post about it on Facebook.  She tells stories about abusive exes but frames them in a way that they could really be about any of her exes.  She did tell her mom that her last ex was abusive, but the truth is that she abused him but completely dissociated when she did it.  She had already told me that he didn't have a mean bone in his body and once told me that she hit him after a party, so she didn't bother saying anything to me about that breakup. 

Mine also never seems to let friends meet each other.  I suppose it's to prevent us from comparing stories and to save her image.  If no one knows anyone else, it's impossible for anyone to really notice when someone else is gone/blocked/etc.

In a way, we're very lucky.  I've read stories on here about absolutely terrible smear campaigns, PPOs being issued, cops being called, accusations of stalking, etc.  All mine does is just have a minor flip out and then give me the silent treatment.

I wouldn't read anything into your friend's comment about you and your ex talking again.  I'm sure she was just applying her own experience to yours.  She's been raged at and given the silent treatment multiple times, but it seems like she's still in contact with your ex.  My pwBPD's mom said something similar to me.  She's been given the silent treatment many times and has suffered terrible verbal abuse, but my pwBPD always contacts her again and puts all of that in the past.

[blackbirdsong]

        Well last nite while working I get a Merry  Xmas message from a number I don't recognize. I asked who it was and it turns out its a mutual female friend of my ex and mine. We haven't spoken in over 6 months since the break up. But actually my ex didn't want me talking to her anyway. This was a girl I was friends with before my ex. A girl that was best friends with my ex , that my ex bad mouthed a lot . Anyway of course the convo turned to my ex and I explained my side of the story. Turned out my exBPDgf never even told her much about breakup or the reason. But she never bad mouthed me either. I also found out she is alone and not dating. Which made me feel good . This girl told me she couldn't understand why we stopped talking. I explained to her the I wasn't really allowed to, she was in shock.

         We swapped many stories of rages and silent treatment . My friend told me as recent as last Sunday my ex flipped out on her and stopped talking to her . I told her details of our relationship and she had no idea what I went through but told me she goes through the same. I told her about BPD and she was gonna look it up. She did share with me that she went to a spiritual advisor and was told to stay away from my ex haha.

           We talked for 2.5 hours and it felt good to get some stuff out there. I thought I was painted black to this girl.  My friend seems to think me and my ex will talk again. I couldn't help but think if my ex put her up to this. I'm not sure how I feel now. It didn't set me back but I did have a vivid dream about my ex. To be honest to know she isn't seeing anyone has got me feeling good. Not to get back because that ain't happening but because that's what bothered me, that she may have moved on with someone new. I came away feeling good from this. Let me know what you think.

How did your relationship end? Did she leave you or did you leave?

[hopealways]

Based on my experience yes your BPD ex put her up to this to 1) test the waters 2) tell you shes single.  Sounds like a recycle is coming, keep us updated!

[Bigmd]

Hey guys thanks. I didn't put any stock into her swing my ex would talk to me. I'm too far out to think that way. I did feel good getting it off my chest to someone who's been recipient of her wrath . Needed to tell my side. I did clarify I wasn't bad mouthing her and I still did care about my ex. My friend knew I loved her and I was a good guy. Blackbird she ended the relationship in July . Hope, I thought the same. We shall see.

[hopealways]

Mine ended in July as well.  Seems like there is typically a 2 month, 6 month or 1 year recycle time frame depending on where they are in their lives and how much they think they need us.

[Bigmd]

Well hope I'm at about 6 months now. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it. I have been thinking about the whole conversation. It has kinda thrown me for a loop. Ughhh.

[hopealways]

Ughhh is right bigmd! I have been having that feeling of impending recycle recently too.  You know the feeling right? When you know they're due for a "how are you" text.

[Joem678]

Hope, I am also having that feeling.  I don't know what it is.  But I just feel it.

[Bigmd]

Hope and Joem I haven't been recycled yet so I dont know the feeling

[Bigmd]

This probably sounds crazy but I'm not gonna lie. I've been thinking about her a lot ever since this conversation. I've had two dreams about her and I'm kinda hoping she reaches out.

[Joem678]

Bigmd, I think we all go through it as we hear/read the PwBPD reaching out to fellow members. It's natural. Just hang in there. 

[Bigmd]

Joem thanks but I'm really feeling I want to reach out. Haven't felt this way in a while. I had a 2 hr therapy session before. My T knows all about my exgf. She supports me either way but says I need boundaries. So confused and hurting now.

[hopealways]

BIGMD, she's going to reach out anyways so if you are open to being recycled you may as well wait until she does as NOTHING ever good comes out of us reaching out before they do. They get engulfed when you reach out and even if they wanted to give it another go they will back off. I've been recycled 20+ times, trust me I know 

[Bigmd]

Hope how do you know she will reach out?

[hopealways]

Hope how do you know she will reach out?

Because they just do. BPD are very predictable. Sooner or later they reach out again.  But they never respect those of us who reach out first. I learned the hard way. Before I knew what BPD was I would always reach out during our numerous fights and times of distancing and she would tell a mutual friend that I need to make her want to miss me.

Your mindset right now should be to continue moving on with your life and if she calls then she calls and you deal with it.  You reaching out will not only set you back but it will make her want you less.

If she is truly BPD the relationship will NEVER work. I know you want a recycle, so do I! It feeds our ego and our inner emptiness. Your T can talk about boundaries all day and night but no boundary can contain a BPD unless you give up your entire soul and life for them (and even then it won't be enough).  In the meantime, focus on you.  You have a lot to offer, be kind to yourself and you will find someone who is capable of a harmonious loving relationship. 

[Bigmd]

Well I'm at about 6 months and no attempts yet.

[Joem678]

Hope,

she would tell a mutual friend that I need to make her want to miss me.

This gave me eerie chills.  She's told this to my sister before.  Not during this time, I don't think.  But I have heard this before.

My T mentioned that when they recycle you repeatedly, it becomes a pattern/addiction that they can't break.

[Bigmd]

Hope I was moving forward and thought I was doing good. But this conversation triggered me big time. I think it was hearing that she is alone and ruined most of her friendships. I guess I feel bad and a little curious if there can be something. Even though I know better.

[LostGhost]

I've only recycled with mine once. Her sister and a mutual friend said the same thing to me, "She won't talk to me again until she knows for a fact I've moved on".

I kept trying for a week after that then gave up and went NC for a month. As soon as I felt inside I was finally letting go, she came back.

Now I'm alone yet again and I've been talking to her for 4 months since the breakup. She's had 4 guys in those 4 months. This current one seems to be going well. And I'm still talking to her, like an idiot. If I want her back, I should go NC and the pattern will repeat, I'm sure of it. Going NC longer than 4 days is the only thing I haven't tried at this point.

I feel she needs to know I've moved on, otherwise she has me and her new guy feeding her supply. She has her cake and can eat it too.

The real question is do I really want her back in my life? It'll be great for a few months and then I'll end up right back here on this board. I told my long time friend the other day that I feel as if I am willing to put my hand in the fire and burn a few more times, that I already know what to expect. His reply was poignant, "How many times will you do this and lose parts of yourself? How many times until you realize there's nothing left of you?"

I think he's right. Each time we choose to engage in these relationships, we sacrifice aspects of ourselves. We are indignant to our past suffering, we cease all growth and prosperity in the present and we sacrifice all hope for a happy, healthy future. Ask the people around you if they like the person you become while you're in this relationship, or the person you become when you are inevitably discarded.

Each time we go in, we are stripped of a little more of our humanity. We are all in danger of becoming lost ghosts.

[Joem678]

Lost,

I do believe that the sense of abandonment kicks in when we are moved on.  From my experience, it seems that they test/stretch us with every crisis.  What I'm saying is that with every breakup/recycle the act of us moving on gets deeper and deeper.  Like an addiction.