Why does Dad favor his BPD daughter

[18kblonde]

Hello friends,

I am reaching out because I've been upset all day.   I have a BPD sister that can double as an emotional wrecking ball. Every time my sis contacts me it's upsetting but today was over the top & I am having a very difficult time coping with the emotions I am feeling.  Usually I can brush it off. Usually I maintain a limited/NC relationship with her.  I hadn't seen or spoke to her in almost 2yrs.  Our dad wanted to see both of his daughters on Thanksgiving & my husband wanted to spend time with my niece.  I agreed. The NC soon turned into "more contact" then I'm comfortable with & now the boundary has been moved.  She's texting & calling. I can hear her yelling at my niece in the background. It's disturbing. Our father enables her & gets angry when I question things.   His official position is: "I'm Dad & you both need to let the past go".  And he thinks "I" need to earn her trust back. ?  She pretended to have cancer for 6mo. Shaved her head. Posted daily to the "Cancer Sucks" online support group. Accepted donations from real cancer patients. Forced her 8yr old daughter to call her Auntie bcuz her BF was in a band & didn't know she had kids.  Stole our credit cards our $ and raped our hearts.  But I need to earn her trust back?  I feel confused.  She has always been the favorite but enough is enough. I feel so disrespected by him.   I am not in any kind of dispute w my sister. There are no differences to "work out".  I feel she is dangerous & want nothing to do with her.  My door is always open to my niece & recently she has been reaching out to me more than ever.

Just one example:  My dad believes everything my sis tells him. A few mo back she "supposedly" had a tumor/blockage in her intestine, was scheduled for surgery & ... .Might die.  AGAIN   But she didn't have anyone to watch her baby while my niece was in school so she drove herself home from the hospital then went outside & washed her car.   That's what my dad told me. In that exact order.  He was FURIOUS w my response.  "Umm dad, we've kinda already heard this one before".  But I'm the bad guy for questioning my sister. ?   I saw my sis eat turkey & ham on thanksgiving. She doesn't have any kind of blockage.  Although she is FULL of something. He actually screamed profanities at me.  Then ... .(it gets better) he said my sis asked him specifically NOT to tell me how deathly ill she was because she didn't think I'd believe her.  He tried to make me feel bad for questioning her illness. And if I was a better sister I'd be over there taking care of her.  

I'm so angry on the surface. But deep inside it hurts so fricken bad!  Why does he have to favor her SO MUCH. Especially after everything she's put this family through.  Ive done everything right. I went to college. I paid for it, not him. I own a home, a car, good credit & I teach high school. It doesn't get any more goody 2 shoes than that.  He has no respect for me at all & I feel disrespected.  

All this interaction with him & communication with her has taken its toll. I'm emotionally beat

[Notwendy]

Dysfunctional families are dysfunctional.

That's about the best way I know to explain it. These kinds of families function as a system- with each person taking on a role which makes it more "stable". That works for the family, but all roles are dysfunctional in a sense because the whole family is to some extent. Some family members are more functional than others ( like you are) but together, the system is a sort of balance of dysfunction.

When a member of the family tries to break out of their "role", or acts in a different way, or says something about another family member, then this feels uncomfortable- the person is acting out of their "role". The reaction of the other family members is to somehow pull that member back into their role to re-establish stability.

Members can take on roles such as "scapegoat", " golden child". - "rescuer" and so on. There are articles on the internet to look at further.

Codependent family members can take on the role of rescuer/enabler for another family member. Why they do that is something about them. Although this may hurt your feelings, it is not really about you, but about your father's needs to enable your sister.

Once you see things this way, you can see the patterns in a family. Ironically, although you feel hurt, it is IMHO that the members who are not enabled are better off in the long run. I was my mother's black child, and like you, had little assistance from my parents with college and making my way in the world. I have had to work on co-dependency issues. However, my "golden child" sibling is still not financially independent from my parents, and is very emotionally enmeshed. As a child, I recall crying because my BPD mother liked him better than she liked me ( mom would write that off as "sibling rivalry" but as an adult, several family friends confirmed that she treated us differently and he was her favorite) . Now, I am grateful that I was not her favorite, but this does not mean I don't have my own issues to work on from my FOO.

Your family drama and your role in it is your own challenge, and so is my golden child sibling's. We both have our own issues to work on. Being the more functional one is good but I don't think that means we have nothing to work on. In fact, because we appear to be more functional, it can mask our own issues. One of mine was to be the rescuer, enabler, co-dependent, the "strong " one, but I still had needs as a child for affection and affirmation. I can relate to your wish for your father to see the good in you and the good you have accomplished as I wanted that from my father too.

Although there are members who you wish to help, like your niece, jumping in as rescuer can be jumping into the family drama. Read about the lessons here and the drama triangle. I know that I wanted to help, but that also risked feeling emotionally drained from the drama.

Sometimes helping and rescuing is participating in the family drama. In the case of your niece, what is going on is child neglect. That has consequences. Although you want to help, if you step in as helper, you could become to focus of the drama in the family system, which takes the focus off the fact that your sister is neglecting her child. Reporting this to authorities puts that in their hands, out of yours, and is the natural consequence for child neglect.

[18kblonde]

Your perspective really clarifies a lot.  I never saw this situation as the dysfunctional family.  I've been looking at it all one sided.  I saw my sister alone with her personality disorder and saw everyone else as a victim who was unfortunate enough to know her.  But you hit it right on the nose.  My dad, her mom, her grandparents & even her ex husband. Everyone in her circle is intertwined & on some level interdependent on each others drama.  All this time I just thought these people were stupid. Literally unable to learn stupid. But a "dysfunction" and interdependence changes everything.

I must be be a chronic role breaker because everyone was pissed at me when I called her out on a pretending to have cancer.  I was the devil. It probably didnt help that I said "I told you so" after her lie exploded & she was 5150d.  Basically I told her entire family that I thought that they were stupid. I've never been good at conforming.

I believe I do feel a strong pull to be the rescuer for my niece. She was a happy healthy innocent child for the first 8 years of her life.  Everything was fine on a Thursday and by  Sunday my sister shaved her head & told dad & her kids chemo made her hair fall out. My niece went through a stretch of hell that no child should ever have to go through. No one comes out of that  Unscaved.  As much as I wish I could go back in time & intercept what my sister did to her, I can not.  And I'm not a therapist. I can't fix her.  I refuse to play a role in their dysfunctional circus.  I'm going to break this pattern before it even starts.  The first thing I'm going to try to do is let go of this anger I feel towards my father. I don't need him. And for sure don't need to go over there to be disrespected.

I think I have a lot to work on. I don't have room for extra drama. My husband is new to all this drama. He really wants to help my niece & doesn't understand all the dynamics to this personality disorder.   

Re: the favorite-  I wonder... .Kids each have their own personalities. Some are more independent & stubborn like I was. Some kids are natural nurtures. What if our parents, because of whatever issue they have going on, are drawn to & feed off of a particular type of personality?  Idk?  Food for thought.

I really like the point you make about natural consequences for child neglect. The chips will fall where they fall & I can't run in circles trying to catch them.

Thank you

[Notwendy]

Kid do have their own personal make up. Some are more resilient than others. I also think the gender of the child and the gender of the affected parent add to how a child is perceived.

I think a parent could be drawn to a particular child if that child matches a need in that parent. A "rescuer" co-dependent parent may be drawn to a child who they perceive needs rescuing. This doesn't just happen in BPD families, but can be seen in families with alcoholism or other addiction, and co-dependency.

Needing to be needed and fear of abandonment can play into this. My mother can be upset about my brother not standing on his own two feet financially at his age but if he needs money, she sends it to him. His dependency on her gives her some control over him. He can't walk away from her if he needs her.

DeNial is a river that runs through these kinds of families ( pun intended). It's kind of like the Emperor Has No Clothes. The person who says otherwise is seen as rocking the boat and anger, even being ejected from the family are possible responses.

[Notwendy]

Natural consequences is a powerful teacher and something even emotionally healthy parents can struggle with. Of course, our job is to protect our children, and yet, allow them to learn and grow. For instance, if a child goes to school and forgets his jacket, he will be cold all day. Because of this, he is likely to remember his jacket next time. However, if the parent runs to school to bring his jacket, he won't be cold, and he may not remember it the next day because he knows his mom will bring it if he forgets.

With your sister, the situation is bigger and more difficult, but the struggle for your parents is similar.

It is very hard to let someone you love learn a lesson this way, so for a parent, having a child like your sister, it is a challenge to not let her get into trouble, and want to protect her. Too much protection can alleviate their own fears and feelings, and yet, keep her from learning the consequences of her actions.

Those of us with rescuer tendencies have to be very careful not to help too much and also not to err too much in the other direction- be cold and uncaring to those in need. I think for rescuers though, the middle ground feels unnatural to us and we can err on the side of helping too much.

In the case of your niece though, she is a minor and she is her parents' responsibilities. If you take those on, then they are not going to face the consequences of being investigated by protective services. Perhaps your niece in time will learn she can call them too. Getting a case worker involved with her could be in her best interest.

[HappyChappy]

Hi 18Kblond,

Just to add to the good advice Notwendy has given

The follow (from a respected author) should explain why people got pissed at you for calling your sister out.

www.narcissisticmother.com/how-narcissistic-mothers-create-sibling-rivalry

You all will know you sister isn’t for changing, bending or accepting the blame,  so by osmosis over the years a family, like a river, finds the course of least resistance.  They will naturally look to the flexibility of the members in the family. A BPD makes us all walk on egg shells and it sounds like your Dad also is doing this with your sister. However you don’t have to accept this. And we don’t need to recreate this dynamic in new groups. For what it's worth you Dad and sis have been unfair to you, but it's more down to you sister being excellent at getting what she wants from manipulation, than anything else. I have a NPD bro that could match your sister and I'm very much the rescuer - but we need to hold back sometimes, Notwendy's right on that. Best wishes  

[Notwendy]

I have also seen parents "parent" their kids differently according to how they see them. In my case, I went to state college- one I could pay for myself, but Golden Child had to go to a big name college. The sad part, is that he wanted to go to state college too, and they would not let him have that choice.


I have an acquaintance who makes one of her kids pay for college on her own while she attends. This child is the "black child" in that family. On the other hand, she is still helping another child financially as he attends one school, drops out, tries another. In this (IMHO) case the parent is erring too much on "natural consequences" for one kid and too little for the other. She can afford to help both her kids, but the one who is working hard to get a college degree is left to scrape by financially and the other one has seemingly no consequences for not attending school. Middle ground might be to set aside a college fund amount for each child, and when it is used up, it is used up. But this isn't my family so I have no part in it.

I don't know why this happens. As a parent myself, I try hard to be as consistent as possible with my kids.  

[Butterfly1250]

My heart goes out to you 18kblonde. I can so relate. My sister has faked nearly every terminal illness in the book, and my dad buys it EVERY TIME!  He's also terrified that she is going to kill herself if he sets any boundaries. Both my parents are horribly co-dependent with her. The hardest thing for me is stepping back and realizing that this is the choice they are choosing to make... .that it fulfills some sort of need for them, even if they call me to complain about her all the time. 

I am thankful beyond thankful that my sister never got pregnant when she was married. I can't imagine watching an innocent child go through what your niece is.  But the advice from others about letting things take its course, and getting the authorities involved is very sound advice indeed.     

[18kblonde]

Notwendy

I can't help laughing at your example about the kid & his jacket. When I was a kid if I forgot my jacket I froze. Forgot my lunch... .Went hungry. I remember getting soo mad at myself for forgetting an umbrella at school the day before bcuz I had to walk in the rain to school & be wet all day.  My single mom raised me. A screw up on my part NEVER became her problem.  Then she would laugh at me & tell the whole family stories on holidays. I got tough love.

On the flip side-

When my sis was 16 she lived w our dad for 9months. I went to Spain in August to study Spanish. When I got home my sis had HUGE 600cc porn star boobs. Dad did not notice.  Within a week I discovered that she had stolen one of my credit cards & my identity to get this boob job. At age 16.  Of course I went to dads house & said "ur not gonna believe this but lil sister got a boob job & stole my visa." 

This next part might make u fall off your chair

Sis said "no I didn't!"  Then... .She lifted up her shirt & said "look dad does it look like I got a boob job". DAD TURNED AROUND!  He wouldn't look. Sis had 1 week old incisions, stitches & bruising.  Then my dad called me a "lying whore, asked me how I could say something like that about my sister & told me to get the F out of his house".   Ain't that one doosey for the books?

So, natural consequences unfolded & my creditor sent the police to his door.  HE PAID FOR THE BOOB JOB SO SHE WOULDNT GO TO JAIL.   He didn't think it was important enough to share w her mother so no one told her. My sis went back to moms & boy did the S --- hit the FAN. 

I didn't speak to my father for several years after that. I didn't know about personality disorders at that time.  I forgave my sis (2yrs later) bcuz I saw it as an isolated incident.  Her boyfriend had died up in OR which was why she came to live w dad for that year. I racked it up to teenage rebellion & was thankful she bought boobs when most teens would have bought drugs.  She married, had children & lived 800 miles north of me in OR until 2008.   

Dad never apologized to me.   I feel like Ferris Buelers older sister in that movie. Dumbfounded.  This is why I initially contributed it to stupidity.

[18kblonde]

Butterfly 125

Omg it sounds like we might have the same sister.  That has got to drive you crazy.  Do you ever just want to slap her? 

I am a 1st generation HS grad then I went on to college.  No one has any education on either side of my family. My sis will pick these random illnesses (all related to cancer) and fabricate a huge story.  Her mom & dad buy in bcuz she uses unfamiliar terminology.  But she can never get one past me. My mom has chrons disease & a colostomy bag on her waist. I know everything there is to know about chrons, colitis, colostomy, illiostomy, blockage... .You name it I know it. 45 years experience at my mothers hospital bed side & 16 surgeries.  So when my sis claimed to have an intestinal blockage as she was eating meat I just wanted to say "wow sis... .I'm so sorry. I'm sick too. It's my arm. Whenever I hear extreme BS it does this". At that point I'd like to punch her in the face. Really really bad! 

[Butterfly1250]

Wow, the similarities are eerie, and I totally know what you mean about wanting to slap her!

My husband and I play a game now when we go to visit the family.  We guess which illness my sis will have when we get there.  One time when we got to the house, she came hobbling out with two canes.  When we greeted her normally ignoring the canes, and didn't ask her what was wrong, the canes disappeared an hour later and she was walking just fine.

She legitimately has IBS, but she is always playing it up to be something bigger like crohns, intestinal cancer, MS, or any number of other illnesses she looked up recently. During one visit, she declared that she was only going to eat fruit from now on to cure the illness of the week, and then an hour later she is asking my parents to buy her three hot dogs from a fast food joint. I laughed out loud.

Lately she has been nonchalantly mentioning in conversations how she has been having strokes. I'm sorry, I have seen what a stroke does to a person. No bueno. 

What she needs the most is the thing she'll never get --- DBT (because she doesn't believe she has a mental disorder). This makes me want to bang my head against the wall!

I am sorry you are going through this too. I hope talking about it, and knowing you are not alone helps!  It does for me.   

[Notwendy]

That is so strange, but even stranger that your family rallies around this.

It seems unfair that families can rally around the most affected member but it happens.

In my FOO, we were all expected to make mother happy, listen to her, do what she wanted us to do. There were times I wanted to scream "what has she done to deserve all this?" but it seems senseless. They must have had some need to do this too.

It isn't easy to not be the favorite child, but in the long run, I am glad I am not.

[18kblonde]

Happy chap. Thanks for that link. A very good read.  :-)

[EmpathyBoy]

I have a BPD sister that can double as an emotional wrecking ball. Every time my sis contacts me it's upsetting but today was over the top & I am having a very difficult time coping with the emotions I am feeling.

This sounds almost spooky in that the dynamics in your family are nearly identical to mine - so I can likely help clarify on top of what others have already said.

Usually I can brush it off. Usually I maintain a limited/NC relationship with her.  I hadn't seen or spoke to her in almost 2yrs.

Me too, except 3-years - ironically she requested NC after I refused to take her side when someone was defending me.

Our dad wanted to see both of his daughters on Thanksgiving & my husband wanted to spend time with my niece.  I agreed. The NC soon turned into "more contact" then I'm comfortable with & now the boundary has been moved.  She's texting & calling.

This sounds like my father except Xmas is the big family holiday.  I fear opening that door too as it typically leads to harassment at some point.  My sister is undiagnosed BPD and has only gotten worse over the years.

And he thinks "I" need to earn her trust back. ?  

Spooky parallels with my current family drama except I have no SO yet.

She pretended to have cancer for 6mo. Shaved her head. Posted daily to the "Cancer Sucks" online support group. Accepted donations from real cancer patients. Forced her 8yr old daughter to call her Auntie bcuz her BF was in a band & didn't know she had kids.  Stole our credit cards our $ and raped our hearts.

I think you win with the faking cancer thing.  My BPD sister twisted a FB post claiming it was linking her with criminals and causing her issues because my aunt reminded her she was able to have a meal with our uncle years ago (an ex-con).  My sister manufactured ridiculous claims of problems with the authorities because she was now "linked" to her uncle and had a meal with him a decade ago.

She has always been the favorite but enough is enough. I feel so disrespected by him.  

Me too.  Someone hit the nail on the head with the "Golden Child" thing.  These types of family dysfunctions can extend generations, we are now on generation 2 in ours.  My father's family is big on being "blood" and pisses on half-siblings or ex-wives for years.  My sister was the "Golden Child" and got everything she ever asked for with no responsibilities.  It does make me wonder how much of PD's are genetic versus environment from bad parenting.  

I think your father may have a PD of his own, NPD being the most likely if he actually believes your sister's crazy stories.  I think there is a tipping point where when challenged with clear discontinuities, unbelievable premises, mismatched or contrary facts in some evolving story (usually gets more convoluted over time) where any normal person at some point realizes it is fiction.

The only types of people who seem unable to make those connections or see reality once exposed are ones who have trouble seeing reality objectively to begin with or those with some type of PD (most often B-cluster).  

She doesn't have any kind of blockage.  Although she is FULL of something.

Above all else, PD's have a problem with objective reality that seems to infect all of society.  A Princeton professor wrote a book call "On Bullsh*t (2005)" by Harry G. Frankfurt.  He makes a very interesting distinction that at least liars and truth tellers believe in the concept of truth.  B.S.'ers literally do not believe in or care about the truth and only about their agenda and manipulating others through what is essentially propaganda.  Our world seems saturated in B.S., so the garden variety from our family PD's seems to not stand out as much as it should and just as with the media, business or government... .we are conditioned to not call out B.S. like we should.

I'm so angry on the surface. But deep inside it hurts so fricken bad!  Why does he have to favor her SO MUCH. Especially after everything she's put this family through.  Ive done everything right. I went to college. I paid for it, not him. I own a home, a car, good credit & I teach high school. It doesn't get any more goody 2 shoes than that.  He has no respect for me at all & I feel disrespected.  

Your father really does sound like an NPD as mine is.  There is always the possibility for them being a psychopath (more common than you think), but from a certain perspective that would only explain motivations and not change anything.  A parent who is impaired in their ability to show love or empathy likely has some type of PD and nothing we ever do will be good enough.  A person who sees reality and truth bendable to a good story and unable to be challenged by inconvenient facts will never be won over by logic.

I know exactly what my NPD father and BPD sister are and yet part of me still wants things from them that at best they can simulate for a short period of time.  If my sister had treatment (therapy, DBT, CBT, etc.) and dealt with her BPD it would help her in life and a relationship might be possible, but otherwise I agree with you... .too painful, too much drama, too dangerous.