Desperate to connect with other "Well Siblings"

[Butterfly1250]

I am in desperate need of support... .to connect with others who are dealing with this mental illness in their lives. Specifically those who have a BPD sibling.

I am 39 years old, and my 36 year old sister suffers with BPD. She still lives with my parents, is completely supported by them, and has completely isolated herself from the world.  She has continues to get worse and worse. It is so maddening to watch my parents' co-dependence with her. They call me to complain about her behaviors, and when I make suggestions of boundaries they could enforce, they just look at me blankly, and never do anything to help change their situation or protect themselves. 

My sister's latest thing is that she says the television is possessed by Satan. She starts screaming whenever anyone tries to watch TV.  So what do my parents do... .they stop watching TV (which is relaxing for them) and start selling all the DVDs they own to appease her.  They now don't even tell  her when they go out to the movies because it is just "easier" not to have that discussion. AHHHHHHH! 

I found a web page yesterday about something called Well Sibling syndrome. I cried when I read it because it describes my own mental health issues to a "T".

Below is a description of a Well Sibling from www.wellsibling.com.  I want to talk about this with others.  How do you cope?  I have a tremendous fear of what is going to happen to my sister once my parents pass away.   

From the Web site ----- A Well Sibling is someone who has grown up (or is growing up) with a sibling who is  mentally ill.   To date there has not been a great deal of study or attention given to the plight of children who live in captivity for years with someone who is mentally ill.   However, enough information has come forth to give the outlines of a set of commonalities, of psychological and emotional effects that persist long into adulthood.  While Well Sibling Syndrome is not a disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), it is very possible that as more information is gathered and research done, it should be, if only to better help the children and adults that have been marginalized and traumatized by their ill siblings.

Signs of Well Sibling Syndrome include:

    Feelings of isolation, of having no recourse and of being trapped when under stress

    Complex PTSD

    Poor peer relations (although may relate to older people quite well)

    Depression

    Anticipatory anxiety

    Somatic illnesses (as normal expressions of need and negative feelings are not given space childhood)

    Sleep disorders

    Burdensome sense of responsibility

    Reserve, disconnected from play and small talk

    Flashbacks

    Survivor’s guilt

    Sense of loss/bittersweetness when something good happens

    Fear of having to care for/being permanently stuck with sibling

[Kwamina]

Hi Butterfly1250

Welcome back!

Your sister's behavior sounds very concerning indeed. Has she been officially diagnosed with BPD? Has she perhaps ever gotten any kind of targeted treatment for her issues?

It's very unfortunate and sad that your parents seem to be enabling her and walking on eggshells around her. BPD is a difficult disorder and perhaps your parents just don't know a other way of dealing with the situation. You've discussed alternative strategies with them but they just give you a blank look. Do you feel that your parents truly accept and understand that there is something wrong with your sister's behavior? Do they acknowledge that your sister has BPD?

What your sister says about the television is quite disturbing. When exactly did she start saying the television is possessed? Did anything happen in particular in her life that preceded this change or was it totally out of the blue?

The information you've shared about 'Well Sibling Syndrome' is very interesting. It makes sense to me that children raised in an environment with a mentally ill sibling are at risk of being affected by this situation. The way your parents handle the situation probably only increases the likelihood of this happening. I am sorry this has caused you so much pain and problems.

I have an older uBPD sister and there are also many other members with BPD siblings. In my case I also have an uBPD mother so in that sense my situations differs from yours, but I can also say that my uBPD mom definitely enabled my sister's problematic behavior. She treated my uBPD sister as the all-good child while my other sister was treated as the all-bad child.

I am glad you are reaching out for support here

[Butterfly1250]

Thank you for your reply!

My sister is not officially diagnosed. My parents took her to several different therapists when she was a teenager, and she even ended up in the emergency room psych ward a couple of times, but still we never heard the term Borderline. She refused to continue getting therapy, and says all therapists are "stupid".

It wasn't until my mid-twenties when I happened across the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book that I even heard this term and was floored... .it described both my sister and my grandmother (now deceased) perfectly.  Now I am married to a therapist, and he says she is clearly borderline.  I am thankful to be married to someone who understands the disorder, and has helped me learn about boundaries.  It's still hard to sit and watch all the family co-dependence and dysfunction of people I genuinely love.  I haven't learned how to cope with that yet.  I want to see them live a happy life, but they seem damn determined not to be happy.  I feel guilty when I am happy, because they are so unhappy.   

My sister always thinks she is dying from some terminal illness. One week she'll have cancer, the next it's MS, and then next she'll have had a "stroke". Yet, she refuses to go to the doctor because they are all "stupid".  She is agoraphobic on top of her borderline. She has become more and more of a shut in as the years progress, and hasn't had a job in over 15 years. My parents completely support her. When she did work, she was a good worker! But inevitably she would come into conflict with a co-worker or boss and quit because they were "stupid". (seeing a pattern here?)  Now, she never even leaves the house. She has turned to fundamentalist Christianity as a coping mechanism. She refuses that she suffers from anxiety or that there is anything mentally wrong with her.  She thinks mental illness is demon possession, or that if she admits she has mental problems that she will be locked up in an institution. No one has threatened her with that EVER.   

My family has a history of spiritual abuse, and she seems to be turning to comfort the same thing that harmed her as a child. So that is where the thing with the TV came from. She views anything except the Bible and religious music to be evil.  She has now quit the internet out of fear because she read an article on Psychology Today about a connection between excessive screen time (mainly video games) and psychosis (which she views a demon possession).

My parents for the most part do acknowledge that she has BPD, and have even read the "Stop Walking On Eggshells" book.  But they would rather sit and complain to me about her behaviors than to enact any healthy boundaries with her.  My dad hasn't helped much because he is super fundamentalist too, and sometimes wonders out loud if she is actually demon possessed instead of mentally ill. That makes me want to bang my head against a wall!  My mom, doesn't believe that, but does hold out hope that my sister will someday be miraculously cured. My sister just continues to get worse and worse, but my parents keep seeing signs of hope every time she does anything normal. She decides to help out by vacuuming the house one day, and they get all excited that she might be "turning around".  All this co-dependency and enabling leaves me thinking... .what is she going to be like when they pass away?  What do I do then?   

Thank you for listening. It is really cathartic to share this with others who understand. Reading these discussion boards help me feel less alone in all this.   

[Anna Butterfly]

Hi Butterfly-

Just wanted to say you are not alone, sorry you are going through this with your parents and your BPDSis.  The family dynamic you describe where your parents come to you with complaints yet seem unable to enforce any boundaries is so frustrating.  Screaming about the TV being possessed by Satan sounds frightening.  Do you have to see her often or do you mostly hear about her behavior through your parents?

My parents also fully support my adult sibling and enable her bad behaviors.  I went NC for my own protection after her suicide attempt and threats of self-harm when she didn't get her way.  She uses my parents to come after me instead so I have really strong boundaries with them now as well.  I can identify with over half the traits you listed from that website.  Over the years I learned being successful and happy is shameful in my family- it resulted in heaps of guilt and responsibilities dumped on my shoulders.  So I can definitely relate to the anticipatory anxiety and sense of loss when something good happens in life.  I'm about the same age as you.  I think my parents are getting more frantic about pressuring me to intervene and fix things as they are getting older and my sister is not getting any better.  At some point they won't be able to support her anymore; I want to be sure when that point comes I have adequate boundaries in place for my protection and the protection of my family.  Like you, I am really dreading the "what happens when my parents are gone" scenario, I am the only other sibling. 

This is a really hard thing to deal with as a sibling, so sorry you are in the same boat!

[Butterfly1250]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. It really helps me to know I am not alone, even if I am sad to know others have to deal with this too!

I see my sis about 6 times a year when I go visit the family.  Sometimes she is on better behavior when I am around... .or actually I should say when my husband is around because right now she is afraid of him because he is a therapist, and is also outside the dysfunctional system she is used to.  So I hear about her most extreme behaviors second-hand from my parents.   

I know what you mean about success being shameful in your family. That is my next thing to work on in therapy. I realize that I have been self-sabotaging myself lately because I am afraid if I become successful I will be expected to take on the responsibilities for my family that I don't want to. I feel I will get this pressure not only from the family, but by society too. I am still working on not feeling like a selfish jerk when I enforce boundaries.

I wish there were clearer answers for what will happen after our parents pass.  Do you think parents enabling behaviors will actually make it worse for us (and our sisters) later on?  There may not been a clear answer to that, but it is something my husband believes to be true.

[18kblonde]

Hello butterfly

You are definitely not alone.  I saw a therapist for several months over what my sis did. Initially it was for grief support to prepare myself for my sister's death from the cancer she never had. After I found out she was faking I continued therapy because I needed to wrap my brain around the wrecking ball of "What the heck" that tore through my life.  I learned a lot about BPD from that therapy.  My therapist won't treat a BPD patient. She doesn't know many colleagues who will. I think, if I remember correctly, there is no founded cure or effective treatment.  I don't think insurance covers it. Or at least it didn't used to. I know new research surfaces every day so there is always hope.  Hang in there

[Anna Butterfly]

Do you think parents enabling behaviors will actually make it worse for us (and our sisters) later on?  There may not been a clear answer to that, but it is something my husband believes to be true.

I agree with your husband, I think enabling makes it worse- both for our siblings with BPD and also us later on.  My sister has never felt the full consequences of her actions.  She has quit multiple jobs and alienated friends and family with profane laden tirades and tantrums.  Through all this, courtesy of my parents, she lives independently with a nice apartment, new car, computers, iPhones, and has traveled to multiple countries.  They go along with her illusion that her life is everybody else's fault but hers, and continue to throw money at her, because they are afraid she will kill herself if they don't.

She could have learned how to live within her means and understand that certain behaviors will not be tolerated by bosses, friends, or boyfriends back in her twenties.  Instead she will probably be in her 40-50s when she starts to learn those lessons after our parents are gone.  After over 20 years of having her lifestyle enabled that will be quite an adjustment for her.

[Butterfly1250]

18kblonde - I am so glad you are getting good therapy.  What a maddening experience. 

There is actually a therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that is specifically for BPD individuals. Here is a link to read more about it: www.behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

Those who engage in it often find a tremendous amount of relief.  My husband works in the psych department of a major hospital, and they do offer it there. The trouble is getting those with BPD to want to engage with it, and actually want to change. They have to admit that they have an issue to begin with, which many don't acknowledge... .or they think everyone else is the problem.   

Anna - You are right. When the much needed consequences start coming along it will be soo much more difficult.

I am actually realizing that my sister is reaping a consequence this year when her husband left her (he mooched off my parents too for several years).  He is on the autistic spectrum, and is not swayed by her emotional tirades. She couldn't manipulate him.  He views her as "illogical", and he finally left because he didn't see why he needed to put up with being called names any more when he didn't do what she wanted.  He also got fed up with all her made up illnesses and refusal to get a job.  My sister, however, sees him as entirely the bad guy.  Perhaps on a deeper, subconscious level she realizes that her words and actions have consequences, but it hurts too bad for her to have real insight about it. And there is the fact that my parents are always there to rescue her, and try to prevent her from experiencing too much discomfort.

[kim peter]

Hello Butterfly

You have been dealing with some extreme behaviours. I hope you take the time to look after yourself.

The ability to discuss these things with people who understand is wonderful and healing.

I would classify myself as a 'well sibling'.  I am 59 and I had three older brothers (only one survives), two of whom diagnosed with BPD. I am the only sibling not to have been in gaol (drug-related offences), the only sibling to have a stable, professional career and own my own home. Unfortunately two of my brothers died of an accidental overdose. I was the youngest and the only girl, which saved me from our father's physical abuse, but not the constant tension and arguing and our mother's neglect. I have at times protected and rescued my brothers. With the surviving brother there was a constant stream of requests for money and assistance until I went NC. Bizarre things like 'I want to go to Hong Kong this week to sell an idea to Sony, I need $4,000' (no contacts or plan of course). At the same time as he asked for money (he had ruined his own credit rating) he belittled my career.

I have come to dislike the Hollywood narrative of 'the loveable, charming screw up sibling' who refuses to grow up and accept adult responsibilities (like 28 Days (?) with Sandra Bullock). I am only too aware of the toll this loveable screw up has on the 'well siblings'. The well sibling is often in the shadows growing up, feeling their needs are not as important and gets little credit for being a responsible adult and citizen. The well sibling is usually characterised as uptight, cold and unforgiving. Maybe because that's because they've had to put up with and bail out their loveable sibling for decades!