When to give in and when to stand firm?

[forestfortrees]

Hello all,

Holidays are the time when it seems like the structure of parenting plans can be trumped most easily.

After some discussions with uBPDxw, we agreed that I was see my D on an addition weekend days in a swap as she had an event a few weeks ago. Another of her family functions was communicated last minute, and I am then told that the agreed upon time is not going to happen. I know the D will enjoy this function, and I am willing to accommodate to a degree, but do want to see D.

How do I hold ground / enforce boundaries while still accommodating needs and desires of my D ?

I know that accommodation will very likely not be reciprocated. I guess I need to accept this.

[Nope]

For the most part, the only way trades work is if you receive your end of the trade first, then ex gets her end of the trade later. It's pretty nearly impossible to enforce a trade otherwise and courts don't seem to do anything about these one-off situations.

Whenever a trade is requested that does not work out for you to get your end first, it's best to politely decline the trade and stick strictly to the court order. This isn't just for your sake or your child's sake but really also for your ex. I've seen my DH's BPDex become very triggered by any attempt to deviate from the order, even when it was something she said she wanted. Strongly enforced and consistent rules and boundaries seem to keep her more calm in the long term even if it makes her more angry immediately.

As for this specific "trade", you are likely out of luck and will have to see what she will give you. I have no ideas for what you can do beyond that. Maybe someone else will.

[forestfortrees]

Thanks for getting back to me. That is good advice.

Right now we alternate weekends (D is with uBPDxw during the week), but mine often slide out by a week when something comes up. I often give in to her brinkmanship we D already is informed of the event she'll miss by coming here. They live a good drive away. 

It was heartening to hear her say that "I'm having a good time over the holiday break with you (Dad)." The difficult part of that statement followed, "but Mom wouldn't like it if I told her that".