NC Technically Ending

[maddnessreturns]

I wrote my BPD mother and enabling father both letters beginning NC and explaining why the best I could. I said I needed until the New Year. And I have used these three months to work on the trauma of my childhood and other things like major depression and anorexia. But now I don't feel that three months has been long enough. I say this because I saw my BPD mothers name on my phone a week ago the one and only time she broke the NC when she texted to see if our apartment was hit by the tornado. Simple reply. It was done. But the physical reaction and dread just seems to show I'm not ok with being around her yet.

I don't think I am to the point where my moms words or actions won't debilitate me and send me into a spiral. But I'm scared that her or dad will call right after midnight. And the little kid inside me hopes they do. That they have changed. That they are the parents I always needed. But the adult in me knows better. I don't know what my next step should be.

[HappyChappy]

I don't think I am to the point where my moms words or actions won't debilitate me and send me into a spiral. But I'm scared that her or dad will call right after midnight. And the little kid inside me hopes they do. That they have changed. That they are the parents I always needed. But the adult in me knows better. I don't know what my next step should be.

I can see why you’d want to re-connect, especially at a time when traditionally family gets together.  But it does sound like you’re still under the  influence of F.O.G. if the thought of a phone call makes you anxious.

I’ve been NC for several years and the advice my Therapist gave me was not to contact until I had healed, because the Therapy I was doing (CBT) doesn’t work if you’re overly anxious. Also when you re-connect you will be opening the flood gates, your BPD will be well prepared to real you back in. So the boundaries you’ve prepared, need good flood defences or they’ll burst. Your BPD will expect things to go back to how they were and may well expect an apology from you. If you get anxious about a phone call, and still have wishful thinking about how the family could have been, then you are still in a position where you will be easily manipulated by those that make you anxious. What is your reason for wanting to reconnect right now, rather than soon or when fully fit ? What have you done so far to heal ?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi madnessreturns,

It can take a while for the raw emotions to settle down, and three months isn't a long time. It may take much longer to really process and deal with the emotions that have bubbled up since you've started this journey. It's ok that you're not ready to deal with your mother. There's no deadline for healing.

How are you working on healing yourself? Knowing that they aren't likely to change, how do you think you can adapt and take care of yourself? You'll see here that self-care is really critical, and if you're not in a position to talk to your parents right now, you need to respect that. NC doesn't have to be forever... .instead, it might be an emotional time-out.

How are you doing today? 

[maddnessreturns]

Thank you both for your replies. They were very helpful. The three months was initially what I agreed to with my therapist. I was utterly terrified what my BPD mother would do so it took a while to even write or mail the letter. The reason I thought of the re establishing contact was my fiancé made me feel guilty that "I wasn't being fair to my parents since they followed the NC and think they'll get to have contact with me now."  I don't want the NC to end. I need longer. I need longer to be strong in my boundaries and value system. I need longer to heal. I am working with a therapist right now who has been very helpful. For the first time I feel heard.

[GeekyGirl]

maddnessreturns, I know that it's hard work, but very worthwhile to put in the time in therapy (T). Good for you for sticking with it and identifying your needs. 

The reason I thought of the re establishing contact was my fiancé made me feel guilty that "I wasn't being fair to my parents since they followed the NC and think they'll get to have contact with me now."

It's VERY difficult, if not impossible, for someone who grew up with healthy family dynamics to understand how different relationships with BPD parents are. How have your fiance and friends been supporting you through this process? I've felt that guilt too, and I know how hard it is, but it might be worth having a conversation with your fiance and a close friend or two about what you're going through right now and how you need some emotional support as you work with your therapist.