To coparent, or not to coparent

[AmIReadyForThis]

Hi there,

I've been posting in other forums however want to seek the advice of people in this forum as my BPDex(diagnosed and taking medication) is pregnant with my baby, has told me we are not a couple and we will be coparenting. I know it takes two to build and maintain a relationship, be it romantic or platonic. My issue with this is I have incredible feelings for this woman and I want to build a family with her rather than coparent. I'm not afraid of coparenting, nor am I afraid of the life long roller coaster of being in a relationship, dating and married, with this woman. My fear comes from potentially, eventually, seeing her with someone else and having to accept the fact that whomever this person is will be helping to raise my child.

As someone who is coparenting children, how do you cope with that thought of seeing them with a new man/woman who is helping to raise your child? Do you believe it to be a better situation for the child(children) to be split between their mother and father? If so, how come?

I have a sister who is divorced and her children, since the divorce, have turned 180 in their behaviours. They were angels when my sister and her ex husband were together, however since the seperation my niece and nephew have become little hellians at school and at home.

[scraps66]

These are healthy thoughts to be aware of at the onset.  Something I had underestimated.  Cliff Notes version of my situation, after three months of dating my ex "forgets" to take her birth control, we conceive now S11, I buy a house for us to live in, ex was financially broke from her first divorce when we met, 2.5 yrs later, again, an unplanned pregnancy, we conceive S8.  The road was already rocky at that point and I had already pondered divorce.  But S8 was on the way.  I would stay nearly two years until I filed for divorce, when I felt S8 was old enough for me to start the process.  That was 2008, early 2009 ex files an Order and has me booted from the house, she stalls for 15 months with me living somewhere else and paying the mortgage on the marital residence, where she was living. 

So my situation is different, a total fabrication that I was caught in.  At the time ex was a SAHM and S11 was with her every day.  What I eventually learned was that his behavior was degrading, as a five yr old he was beginning to hit other kids at the pool to the point kids began to avoid him when around.  He had other issues lingering, he had bowel control issues until he was 8 yrs old, very bad behavior in school. 

So at the time of divorce, my relationship with S11 was good, but his behavior was spiraling.  His social skills were severely behind other kids his age.

So, it was about five months after I was booted from the house that ex would introduce S11 and S8 to her new boyfriend.  He would move into the house while we were still going through the divorce. 

Fast froward a couple years, as far as S11 is concerned, I have had my tole reversed.  The boyfriend has been created to be Dad, and I am painted black.  S11s behavior has continued to degrade despite the numerous attempts to get him appropriate therapy.  In my clinical opinion, I feel S8 has been more resistant to ex;s alienation due to the fact that he just did not spend as much free time around her when an infant.  She went back to work when he was about 3. Just being physically in contact with S8 was enough to ward off the alienation.

We have gone through coparent counseling, last year - that's right, some five years after our custody order was in place, and it was a huge waste of time.  Coincidentally, while going through this counseling S11s behavior would reach it's worst level in school.  He was eventually moved from his school to address the behavior issues.   

Through all of this, and just recently, ex has "created" this facade of everything looking just perfect, nice vacations, lots of family parties with the new boyfriend, he's a great guy and he's great with the kids, etc.  It all "looks" fine.  She now calls the boyfriend "step dad" but they are not married.  I've noticed a few things that ex had said in coparent counseling, how she felt she was "parenting with her partner," translated to mean she was coparenting with her partner because she couldn't coparent with me.

She's also got another way getting into my business and using those around me as pscyhological agents.  The boyfriend is best friends with one of my neighbors whose son is best friends with S8.  So she's got this mechanism to get information about me back to my neighborhood and a way of justifying her being in my neighborhood.

But what I am learning now, the boyfriend is being played too.  Ex has started to more consistently insert him where the dad should be, taking kids to activities, coaching their sports teams, etc.  So I talk to him.  What I'm learning is, he's not getting all of the information, not getting the correct and full "stories" regarding S11s behavior, she's giving him false stories about some of the activities we have tried to plan, etc. So he's being "played" just like I was.  I would guess she is telling him that I am doing the things she is doing to obstruct activities.  Just a guess.   

So, to your original question, how to deal with this - still a work in progress for me and I'm just now putting this together.  It's not easy to work behind the scenes even knowing everything I know and feel like I'm incidental in the lives of my children.  But this is what ex is trying to do in my opinion.  This boyfriend has the relationship with my kids that I should have, or it "looks" like he is the dad and I am the step dad. 

This is where the coparent counseling did no help at all.  There was a conversation about how "dad cannot be made out to be peripheral in the lives of these children."  From that day on, I feel as if hearing this was a trigger for ex, this is when she stepped up the alienation and increased the boyfriend's involvement.  This was also the time period where S11s behavior was really spiraling downward, suspended four times at school in a period of six weeks.  So this was all converging at the same time.   

The impact on the children is obvious, S11s behavior has become more and more defiant and personal towards me in the last 10 months.   

Some things I would have done differently.  Though I discussed this with my L, I would have written in the custody order that ex could not have anyone staying overnight with her in the marital residence.  I would have filed for full custody and gotten her mental illness out in the open.  I would have done a better job of keeping myself mentally and physically fit.  I would have done a more forceful job of getting therapy for the kids.

The toughest part is the feeling as if my influence is slipping away or the things I am doing is not enough to  keep up with the competitive parenting and the PAS.   

[Turkish]

You still love this woman, and you are willing to do what you can to salvage the r/s. I see that you are posting to the Saving Board, and that's good. If this is your feeling, do what you can. As painful as it might sound, I'm reminded of what my T told me, "can you accept that whatever decisions she made, she is still a free agent, and has a right to make them, no matter how foolish her choices?"

She introduced then D1 and barely S4 within days after she moved out... .to her affair partner.

I wasn't the victim of overt alienation, but replacing me in the kids' eyes resulted in issues early on. Only when they started openly rebelling towards her did she tone it down a little. She got engaged the following New Year's (while on a trip to Europe while she left me with the kids for ten days), and this past June, she married him and he is the kids' official SD.

As tough as it is, it's good to center on "what's best for the kids." Like scraps66, I learned that the SD didn't see everything (being 18 years younger, I think he just lacks wisdom). I validate that he desires to do right by the kids (enabling an affair and the break up of a family is another story). He told me last summer, "when you bring the kids back they seem a lot calmer, unlike when she brings them back." There are other things, too.

You're still in the process of saving the r/s. Even if you end up apart (and I can imagine how hard it would be with a baby yet unborn), the choices and communication you choose to do now may have a great impact up your future r/s.

The upside for me, and I think many here, is that I can be the best parent I can be with my time alone with the kids, apart from BPD drama, at least present and in the room. Use the communication tools on the staying board as much as possible (even apart, you're still "staying". Don't get engaged in the drama. You can be kind without being a doormat. We can help you here with boundaries. If she decides to not continue, it is likely there will be another man at some point. If that's what it comes to, we'll be here for you, too.

Turkish

[forestfortrees]

It sounds like you are up for the roller coaster - but she does have the freedom to choose. You will really find out who you are through this next chapter in your relationship. Whatever you do, make sure that you take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually - as either way it can be emotionally exhausting.

Your kids will likely (so say the statistics) do better with both of you in the picture, together. I wish you all the clarity in the world to make the best decision for everyone.