First post-Hoping a clean break and NC will work out

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

    I hope this doesn't get too long winded. But she ended this relationship again prob like the 10th time now but this time I feel more committed to keeping it that way.  Met this girl through a mutual friend and despite other friends warnings about her, I decided to get involved anyway.  We hung out for a couple months and things seemed great other than she always seemed hesitant to make it exclusive. She would mention things like because it wouldn't work out and then we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore.  I stupidly looked past it, wondering why not at least give it a legitimate try since we always had such a good time together. Prob a week later she suddenly quit messaging so frequently.  Then she blew off plans with me to go to a concert with someone else, and so we didn't see each other in person again for prob another year after this happened. 

    During this time she got "serious" with this other guy who was, as mutual friends put it, an unemployed pot smoking burnout, so I just couldn't understand why. She was engaged within a month, and claiming pregnancy after a few more months but later miscarried.  None of this should have affected me except for the part where she would still message me how much she missed me throughout this other relationship. I would question what her fiance would think of that and she would say she didnt care.  Eventually they did split so she started talking to me regularly again and I thought finally I got the second chance I wanted so badly. We progressed into a real relationship of about 3.5 years. 

    It all seemed pretty good for prob the first half, but after living together for a year these traits became more and more frequent.  Arguments started to escalate very quickly between her wild emotional rants and my pragmatic, logically driven approach. Felt like dealing with a child.  She would say she was breaking up at the drop of a hat sometimes and a couple times moved back to our hometown for a couple days before coming back.  She would usually stay with her grandmother if there was an open room. Apparently other family members stayed there as well so if it was full she said she was staying with an older family friend cuz she had nowhere else.  She claimed he had a wife and he was a lot older so i bought it.  Later came out he wasnt really married.  She never admitted it, but i doubt he was even the person she said he was.  He bought her things, lent her a car that she would drive to come see me. All ridiculous.   

    That happened a few times, but she always came back regretting it, and i was just happy to have her back and blocked out anything that might have happened.  I believed every word she would tell me about while she was gone. Though evidence has surfaced since this last split that while at one of the "friends" she stayed with she was cheating in some form or another.  She told me he came onto her but she stopped it right away.  I've heard elsewhere of someone walking in on them to more.  Just typing through this crap she did sickens me again.  Anyway, we fought again over this past weekend and she wanted to break up again. So I drove her back to our hometown, her dad is out of jail again so i dropped her off at his place with all her belongings.  Knowing that these small breakups have prob just been cover to be promiscuous for a couple days every time, I don't want her to come back.  I haven't responded to any of her messages and have blocked her almost completely out of my life.  Its hard not to undo it though even after only 4 days.

    So I guess that was long winded, sorry anyone who actually read through all that.  But it at least has gotten me angry again, which is a better anxiety than what comes with the other slough of emotions coming from me worrying about her and wanting her to be better.  I read about this disorder  briefly a few months ago but looking into it deeper now just leaves me shocked that I put up with all I did. Almost like it was all planned. But somehow I still question my decision to make this permanent. Unbelievable!

[Ekz1000]

    I hope this doesn't get too long winded. But she ended this relationship again prob like the 10th time now but this time I feel more committed to keeping it that way.  Met this girl through a mutual friend and despite other friends warnings about her, I decided to get involved anyway.  We hung out for a couple months and things seemed great other than she always seemed hesitant to make it exclusive. She would mention things like because it wouldn't work out and then we wouldn't be able to hang out anymore.  I stupidly looked past it, wondering why not at least give it a legitimate try since we always had such a good time together. Prob a week later she suddenly quit messaging so frequently.  Then she blew off plans with me to go to a concert with someone else, and so we didn't see each other in person again for prob another year after this happened. 

    During this time she got "serious" with this other guy who was, as mutual friends put it, an unemployed pot smoking burnout, so I just couldn't understand why. She was engaged within a month, and claiming pregnancy after a few more months but later miscarried.  None of this should have affected me except for the part where she would still message me how much she missed me throughout this other relationship. I would question what her fiance would think of that and she would say she didnt care.  Eventually they did split so she started talking to me regularly again and I thought finally I got the second chance I wanted so badly. We progressed into a real relationship of about 3.5 years. 

    It all seemed pretty good for prob the first half, but after living together for a year these traits became more and more frequent.  Arguments started to escalate very quickly between her wild emotional rants and my pragmatic, logically driven approach. Felt like dealing with a child.  She would say she was breaking up at the drop of a hat sometimes and a couple times moved back to our hometown for a couple days before coming back.  She would usually stay with her grandmother if there was an open room. Apparently other family members stayed there as well so if it was full she said she was staying with an older family friend cuz she had nowhere else.  She claimed he had a wife and he was a lot older so i bought it.  Later came out he wasnt really married.  She never admitted it, but i doubt he was even the person she said he was.  He bought her things, lent her a car that she would drive to come see me. All ridiculous.   

    That happened a few times, but she always came back regretting it, and i was just happy to have her back and blocked out anything that might have happened.  I believed every word she would tell me about while she was gone. Though evidence has surfaced since this last split that while at one of the "friends" she stayed with she was cheating in some form or another.  She told me he came onto her but she stopped it right away.  I've heard elsewhere of someone walking in on them to more.  Just typing through this crap she did sickens me again.  Anyway, we fought again over this past weekend and she wanted to break up again. So I drove her back to our hometown, her dad is out of jail again so i dropped her off at his place with all her belongings.  Knowing that these small breakups have prob just been cover to be promiscuous for a couple days every time, I don't want her to come back.  I haven't responded to any of her messages and have blocked her almost completely out of my life.  Its hard not to undo it though even after only 4 days.

    So I guess that was long winded, sorry anyone who actually read through all that.  But it at least has gotten me angry again, which is a better anxiety than what comes with the other slough of emotions coming from me worrying about her and wanting her to be better.  I read about this disorder  briefly a few months ago but looking into it deeper now just leaves me shocked that I put up with all I did. Almost like it was all planned. But somehow I still question my decision to make this permanent. Unbelievable!

[Lonely_Astro]

Welcome to the board!  I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.  You'll find many on here (myself included) that have been through (in our own way) what you've experienced.  I say that not to minimize, but to let you know you're among those that understand because 'others' don't.

How are you holding up?  Check out some of the lessons on the board.  Also, read up on trauma bonds (it'll help explain a lot of why you're feeling the 'I want her back' feelings), it helped me to better understand why I wanted to continue with mine.

Is she diagnosed or just showing traits?  It doesn't particularly matter either way, I was just curious (mine is/was diagnosed Bpd).

Take care in the meantime and keep posting.  It helps to get it out.

[Ekz1000]

Thanks for the welcome.  I've spent the last couple days reading through and it does help (somewhat) to see that I'm not the only one.

I've been going through the swings of knowing this is for the best, but also wishing I could've fixed it earlier and all would be better. Pretty overwhelmed and looking for anything to help.

She isn't diagnosed, but has always been suspicious of something in herself.  She knows her dad has been diagnosed with some type of personality disorder and has always been concerned that she has inherited (probably just taught) something similar.  Besides that, her family's past and household situation growing up seems to perfectly align with the causes.  Something else she also repeatedly expressed.  Everything I've been reading on here also just rings so true with all of our difficulties throughout the relationship.  Her behaviors as well as mine which only exacerbated the issue.  Just made my jaw drop when I discovered such similar stories.  She had gone to a therapist maybe twice after one of our worse physical bouts and that seemed to help straighten things out for a bit.  But she said she didn't really like the therapist so that just wasn't enough time to get to any core problems I'm sure.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks for the welcome.  I've spent the last couple days reading through and it does help (somewhat) to see that I'm not the only one.

I've been going through the swings of knowing this is for the best, but also wishing I could've fixed it earlier and all would be better. Pretty overwhelmed and looking for anything to help.

She isn't diagnosed, but has always been suspicious of something in herself.  She knows her dad has been diagnosed with some type of personality disorder and has always been concerned that she has inherited (probably just taught) something similar.  Besides that, her family's past and household situation growing up seems to perfectly align with the causes.  Something else she also repeatedly expressed.  Everything I've been reading on here also just rings so true with all of our difficulties throughout the relationship.  Her behaviors as well as mine which only exacerbated the issue.  Just made my jaw drop when I discovered such similar stories.  She had gone to a therapist maybe twice after one of our worse physical bouts and that seemed to help straighten things out for a bit.  But she said she didn't really like the therapist so that just wasn't enough time to get to any core problems I'm sure.

Well, if she has a cluster B disorder it's complicated to say the least.  I had my first r/s with J 4 years ago and it fell apart in spectacular fashion.  I was devastated.  She was diagnosed shortly after we fell apart.  We worked together (still do) and my story is well documented here.  Basically, we were practically NC for 3 years, started talking, she seemed managed (told me she was medicated and had been through "intense therapy" - which I was led to believe was DBT, which was a lie - and she had her disorder "under control", we talked ad nauseam about starting a new r/s, we did, it was rocky as hell, lasted about a year, and it failed in spectacular fashion again.

So.  With all that said, it doesnt get better.  There are glimmers of hope but it doesnt.  I have recently discovered that J wasn't at all who she claimed to had been with me this entire year.  Don't get me wrong, there were moments, but overall she wasn't.  I have been supportive, validating, and we worked along the way (at least I thought we were) to keep her disorder "under control".  To bad all that was a lie.  She basically left in early October, we never recovered, and when I said I was done and we weren't going to be speaking personally any longer starting the first of the year, she got upset that I was "abandoning her" even though the truth was the opposite.  Keep in mind that she had lied to me basically the whole year about her pending divorce, she dated 2 other guys, and all the while kept stringing me along that we had a future.  Oh, and she started DBT in mid-Sept (though I'm not 100% convinced she went more than a couple of times).

Why I'm telling you all that is to reiterate to you that it doesnt get better.  Even if she was diagnosed, medicated, and decided to go through DBT (the only 'recognized' therapy for BPDs) doesnt equal success.  Many that go to DBT don't stay (about 50%) and the ones that do go for years at the chance of a better life.  During that timeframe, it's not uncommon to see backsliding.  Is BPD treatable?  Some say yes, others say no.  It's kind of like being an alcoholic.  They may repress it, but it's always there.  At least thats the general consensus.  A few will argue that BPDs can be cured, but I have yet to find any conclusive evidence that they are "cured" of the disorder.  Those that teach DBT will say that backsliding can occur under certain stressors.  Therefore, the way I see that is that it isn't cured.  It's simply repressed.

Detaching is the best thing.  It's also the hardest thing.  We get bonded to our abusers and we want to stay.  We want to be there for them.  We want to love them.  They, unfortunately, can't love themselves and if they can't love themselves than they certainly can't love us (not in a healthy way).  The best thing for you is to focus on you.  Do something good for yourself and focus on healing.  I know its tough, I struggle too.  J is my drug of choice and I want that fix just one more time.  I liken our r/s to heroine mixed with nitroglycerine.  I know it's bad for me and it's going to blow up in my face but I still want to feel the warmth of her "just one more time".  I also know I can't and be healthy myself.

Stay strong.  It gets better with time and distance (as hard as it is to believe right now).