Tired of my broken heart

[Tryingtoforget]

I'm here because I'm having a very difficult time with accepting that I have to move on and face the reality of not being able to be with the true love of my life. The whole situation is just so complicated and I feel like I'm at a crossroad and know I need to move forward with my life but I'm having to fight with my emotions. My heart mind and soul refuse to understand that if it was meant to be it will be... .Like the saying goes- if you love something let it go set it free, if it finds its way back to you then it was meant to be! I just have a fear of letting the man i love soo much go that I will loose him forever, and I don't know if I can face it! I feel like if I let it go I'll kick myself over and over when he goes and forgets about me. He the man I'm referring to is my ex husband we were married for a couple years... .But know each other for 8 years (we both have never fully been able to "move on" and leave each other despite the mess and the hurt roller coaster relationship we have put each other through. We have a 4 year old daughter now in the middle so we have to have done "contact" with each other so it's harder to move on if we both still have feelings for each other... .Or we both are attracted to a chaotic life- what I mean by that is:

Dates back to how we met and what we been through the years we've known each other!

I have an 8 year old son from my prior relationship I call him Oso- "bear" and him and I fell out of love- well it was mainly me that did. We never married but been with each other several years too... .He is my foundation ( steady reliable honest) I feel guilty for not "loving" him like I do the ex husband! I met the man my ex husband and it was an instant click like a soul bond- I knew him a couple weeks and I felt like I'd known him years. Still to this day I feel the butterflies and get goose bumps when we look into each other's eyes... .Or when I talk to him on the phone( just hearing his voice when he picks the phone up makes my heart feel more alive, and I get an instant smile on my face! There's not a moment in the day that he doesn't cross my mind... .I've tried to move on... .And not feel these feelings for him! But I just can't do it! ((The problem is... .

I'm with my sons dad out of pity, convenience, trying to make our son we have together happy because he loved his dad and gets very upset and his whole world crumbles when we don't live with his dad! Now to throw another wrench in the story: we now have a 4 month old baby girl- it was a total unexpected surprise and I can't say it has "fixed" or made me want to stay - I've tried gaining romantic feelings for my two kids father back and to get my "ex husband" out of my heart! It's been 3 years we got a divorce and I still love my ex husband! I need help! I feel soo guilty not being able to forget about my ex and not giving my other kids dad- (we live together) (for the kids) the love womanly affection that he craves and deserves! People I'm in a real real mess... .,

If anyone reads this please try to understand that I am grieving and emotionally wounded and lost - if I didn't make my story of what I'm sort of going through clear - I apologize lately I feel like I'm in a mental fog and can't make sense of my emotions- this pain of "missing someone I truly love and want to be with... .But can't) is killing me slowly I feel like!

The reason I can't be with the ex- is because he resents me for having a baby with my ex boyfriend- "understandable" - I had baby a couple years after we got a divorce by the way.

And also he tried with my son to be a good stepdad - but my son is very fixed into wanting to be with his dad.

[Turkish]

Hello Tryingtoforget,

Conflicting feelings are hard, also when trying to reconcile feelings with the reality of how it affects others, especially children.

Who is the person with BPD in your life?

Turkish

[DreamerGirl]

Welcome Tryingtoforget,

I'm so sorry to hear how painful this heartache is for you. 

I wish I had some words of wisdom, which I know you will get from more experienced board members, but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel.

I am currently on day 8 of NC and my heart is broken.  The pain, sadness and longing that I feel for him is disabling, I can barely function at the moment.

I also still get goosebumps and just to see his name pop up on my phone makes my heart skip a beat.  He is in all my dreams.  I don't know if I can move forward without him.  And my fear, like you have described, is that I will forever regret letting him go.