Are untreated BPD relationships almost always doomed to fail

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just curious what others think.  Obviously being loving. Patient. Understanding. Etc are required. Which you should be In any relationship. But just curious if the next relationships she is in are likely to also fail

[Scopikaz]

Just curious what others think.  Obviously being loving. Patient. Understanding. Etc are required. Which you should be In any relationship. But just curious if the next relationships she is in are likely to also fail

[Confused?]

The next relationship is doomed to fail. Not in the sense that they may break up in a week, a month, a year or ever. It fails in the sense that us nons can never fully give what the pwBPD needs. It is impossible to fill that void. The relationship will be unstable the entire time. The pwBPD will always be the center. Think back to how you felt while in your relationship and tell me if it was a success in your eyes.

[Itstopsnow]

If you are asking will it be better than yours? With your ex love them more? And will it last longer? The answer will vary from time to time but at the end of the day it will be NO! If they are untreated. They will do everything they did with you and possibly worse. As they continue to get away with more and more they may do even more extreme things.  these are part of their make up having BPD. The hallmarks are stormy interpersonal relationships, idealize only to turn to devalue. They don't magically get better. They can't control it either.  cheating is a huge part of it to. They won't stay faithful to their partner . It's a terrible disorder .

[Lonely_Astro]

Just curious what others think.  Obviously being loving. Patient. Understanding. Etc are required. Which you should be In any relationship. But just curious if the next relationships she is in are likely to also fail

It's not a question of 'if' it fails, but 'when'.  This goes is regardless if 'treated' or 'not treated'.  Ultimately, your value and self worth isn't based on how successful the next guy is.  The truth is their r/s can 'last' longer or shorter than yours.  It doesn't make you any lesser of a person if it goes longer.  Maybe he's less reactive.  Maybe he's a doormat that puts up with it.  There's a lot of reasons.  I once (and sometimes still do) asked myself what made her husband more successful than me with her.  You see, we were together for four months.  After it fell apart, the next guy she openly dated she married.  They were married 2 years.  She was 'separated' from him for a year of that (on and off again, I'd later find out).  So, you see, he didn't have the magic formula, it just appeared he did.

We were together for a year.  Started as an affair for the both of us.  I'm not proud of that, but that's how it happened.  She was all about a life with me until the time really came we could be 'us'.  She discarded me about 3 weeks after having total, complete access to me.  So.  Just so we're clear: we were in a r/s for a year but together only 3 weeks (if you will).  I had my own place and she would stay late but never overnight (I asked her to stay one night, she refused, and I never asked her to again... .something she later got mad/hurt at me for).   When I pointed this out in our final week of talking, she told me it hurt her feelings I only asked once.  I could see my asking made her uncomfortable (I told her as much and she agreed), so based on that, I didn't ask again.  That's precisely what I told her.  Her response?  "You give up to easy.  You should've asked over and over until I agreed.  That's how you're supposed to do it."  That makes zero sense to me.  You told me the idea made you uncomfortable yet you expect me to keep pressing it to get you to do it.  Um, what?

My point in telling you that story is to outline something that all BPDs do to their partners: constantly expect you to read their ever changing mind. 

No one has the magic formula.  Not even the BPD.

[FannyB]

My point in telling you that story is to outline something that all BPDs do to their partners: constantly expect you to read their ever changing mind.

Scopikaz

L_A hits the nail on the head here - they expect you to do what the punitive parent failed to do adequately i.e. intuit the ever-changing needs of a child. 

Yes, some people do last a long time with an untreated borderline - maybe til death do they part. But are they happy? Would you sign up to a lifetime of walking on eggshells and metaphorically eating sh1t and smiling while you do it every day?

Or would you choose life and happiness? I know detaching is hard, and that sometimes it's comforting to come up with scenarios where you could be together. I played this game myself months back - but in the end, reality bites. 

Fanny

[MapleBob]

My point in telling you that story is to outline something that all BPDs do to their partners: constantly expect you to read their ever changing mind.

Scopikaz

L_A hits the nail on the head here - they expect you to do what the punitive parent failed to do adequately i.e. intuit the ever-changing needs of a child. 

Yes, some people do last a long time with an untreated borderline - maybe til death do they part. But are they happy? Would you sign up to a lifetime of walking on eggshells and metaphorically eating sh1t and smiling while you do it every day?

Mine even directly admitted it! "I wanted you to read my mind."

[MapleBob]

And honestly, when I look back, I can really see now that her goals were different from mine. Her relationship goal was to make me love her, not to love each other. Sure, she did nice things, said nice things, acted loving often, but that was about acquiring my love. Which she already had!

[Moselle]

In my opinion Yes. Ultimately these two, the full blown pwBPD and the co-dependent SO are bound to be unhappy. They can smile on family photos and appear as perfect as can be, but underneath is a swamp of parasitic emotions (on both sides)

There are people with BPD lite. Lol. Who exhibit some of the traits but not enough to be diagnosed. I believe these relationships can work if both are willing to put in the effort.

[Learning_curve74]

Let me be the voice of an alternative viewpoint. The probability that a BPD person's future relationships will fail is high but not for certain. Nothing changes unless a person starts a path towards change and sticks with it. I know drug addicts who were addicts for years but went cold turkey and have a very different life today.

My question is why is it important to you whether or not their future relationship(s) are successful or not? Would you feel like it reflected poorly on you that somebody else had a "successful" relationship with them?

[blackbirdsong]

My question is why is it important to you whether or not their future relationship(s) are successful or not? Would you feel like it reflected poorly on you that somebody else had a "successful" relationship with them?

I think that this is one of the main questions that can be asked on this board. But I am not sure that we all are ready to answer it. Because deep inside of most of the topics here is our narcissistic wound.

We are worried regarding different issues: will my partner miss me, does he/she really love me, will he try to contact me (and some of us hope they will), is it possible that he will be happy with someone else. Note that all these questions are irrelevant for the actual healing and the main purpose of this board. Most of the topics (mine also) are not actually for this board because most of us are still undecided about actual leaving. Some of us are forced to detach (e.g. BPD left us) and some of us leaved. BPD because we had nervous breakdown. But after we recover, we want more.

[MapleBob]

My question is why is it important to you whether or not their future relationship(s) are successful or not? Would you feel like it reflected poorly on you that somebody else had a "successful" relationship with them?

It's not that important to me whether the next guy is more successful with her. I stuck it out through ten months of limbo to basically prove to myself that our problem was on her end. I know her relationship history; it will take her many years of hard therapy work to be ready for a "successful" relationship. She doesn't have the skills or understanding, and it's not her fault. It just is.

[GreenEyedMonster]

In my opinion, yes, they are doomed, and some of the earlier posters have hit on some of the reasons I believe this.

A person with BPD thinks he or she is looking for a romantic partner, but that's not really the case.  Somewhere, subconsciously, s/he is looking for someone to re-parent them and accomplish what their abusive or absent parent did not.  

In my ex's case, his mother made him responsible for all of her feelings and her well-being during her relationship with his alcoholic father.  That is way too much for a young child to handle.  Giving a young child responsibility for adult matters that s/he can't control is child abuse, plain and simple.  

What he is looking for in a partner (new mother) is a woman who is independent, relatively unemotional, low-maintenance, and who doesn't hold him responsible for any of her feelings or her well-being.  All of the things his mother wasn't.  I am pretty close to this ideal, and I still didn't cut it.  What are the chances he will find a woman who never, ever holds him responsible for her feelings or her well-being?  Is it possible to build a marriage on that?

He tends to attract very motherly, codependent women, but he doesn't want kids, and most women who are motherly enough to care for him want kids.  So it's a catch-22.

For a while he dated older women with grown children.  This might be where he finally meets someone who can handle him.  But even so, what are the chances that he'll find a partner who demands nothing of him in terms of responsibility?  Will he meet someone who never calls him out on his egregiously selfish behavior?  Not highly likely.

So until he heals his childhood wounds, he's just a bottomless pit of need that no one can fill.

[Scopikaz]

Well. I'm trying to detach but having difficulty.  So that's why I've been posting here. Do I want her to come back. Sadly, yes.  Is it a likelihood.  Probably not. She's been clear friends only. She says it hurts too bad to want to get back together. Yet she doesn't want to lose me. Anyhow. It's in gods hands. I just keep taking it out of his hands.

[MapleBob]

Well. I'm trying to detach but having difficulty.  So that's why I've been posting here. Do I want her to come back. Sadly, yes.  Is it a likelihood.  Probably not. She's been clear friends only. She says it hurts too bad to want to get back together. Yet she doesn't want to lose me. Anyhow. It's in gods hands. I just keep taking it out of his hands.

What "hurts too bad"? Mine said similar things.

[Scopikaz]

Early on I was texting women I've known for 30 years since high school. And in a couple cases old girlfriends or former interests. Out of my fears of not being sure she was the one or habit. I made it an issue. Lied about it at one point. That's the biggest one. But she also felt invalidated.