6 months and it still hurts

[klacey3]

Hi everyone,

It has been 6 months now since I have last seen my ex and tried cutting contact with him. (Gosh I sound like someone at an AA meeting)

Even though it has been this time I still find it all really difficult. Yesterday who knew the situation I had with him brought him up in conversation and I have felt really sad ever since. They reminded how selfish he is, that he lacks empathy, that he knew he was in the wrong in his behaviours but distracts himself so that he doesn't have to feel certain things. He said sorry but he never meant it, just kept on doing it all over again. I always cared about how he felt, what his motives were and my role but all he cared about was what would work for him. I think he liked me, but didnt love me, he has shallow emotions. He always had a back up and lied/gave me misinformation many times. He was emotionally immature and would gloss over anything he did wrong and acted like it never happened. He thought he was something special.

What really made me sad was realising that he never actually loved me, it was just shallow feelings. Also realising that they knew what they were doing was wrong because they would be so angry at me for smaller things and I know they would not have up with me if I had done to them what they did to me. My ex was probably capable of behaving alot more but I tried too hard on him and let him get away with too much.

Do they characteristics even sound borderline or more of something else? I am not sure anymore. 

I don't understand why a part of me wishes he would contact me and still feel the need to call or see him. He isn't even a great catch if I am honest.

[Itstopsnow]

I feel the same way you do. I've been no contact 67 days. And still it breaks my heart! Realizing all his lies and manipulations . Empty words he said to me. Sounds like your ex was borderline. What we have to realize the illness affects so much to who they are . Yes, they know right from wrong and yes they act out and cause so much damage. But this is all part of their mental illness. They view things in very distorted ways. They justify their behaviors why painting you black or the monster. They get anger with us bc I think deep down they are frustrated at what they do. And they have a lot of shame. But they are the cause of their own shame if you ask me, by the things they do. I still wishes he would reach out to me. I still wonder what his life is like. Part of them was good,  We don't have their issues so we don't view things in black and white like they do. Their minds are on constant alert . They are thinned skinned and looking for the negative in anything you say. And you're right they aren't good catches. I ask myself why am I sad. Even if he wasn't cheating and lying and being emotionally and verbally abusive at times . What did he really have to offer? Mine? Not much! Always in debt, always wanting to go on vacation so he never had money saved in the bank. And gambling a lot. We have to try and realize these people are their own worse enemies and our lives would always be chaotic with them. Try and remember that when you miss him. I hope you find your peace!

[taniasofia]

wow! :'( :'( reading this just made me tear up but simultaneously gave me hope! I had been in a relationship with a pwBPD. I honestly dont know how I managed to stick around for so long. Now that I look back i noticed how it was me that was holding on to and keeping the relationship because as soon as I stopped everything went down hill even more. She would push my buttons until i would explode and then I would be the one to blame. I was so manipulated to think this that i would be the one to say sorry and to try to work this out the entire time.  I feel so bad for myself... .because I gave so much to this person and was only tossed after the rebound came around... .is like i completely lost myself to this relationship. now, i look back and question "since when?" let me share a piece of the art work this person created with my emotions (which i dont blame this person because i think it all came down to me seeing the red flags and refusing to step back for my own well being). I came out to be that the rebound was a friend of ours. I now question since how long had i been looked at as a fool. How many lies have been told and since when? yet I still miss this person... .its all so much. couple day ago, after not having contact after new years (I was dropped because I didnt text saying I was home after going out for new years, yet my ExwBPD was living with the current partner.) i was contacted. She txted me from a different phone #. I think her current partner made her change #s and she wanted me to have it (which defeats the purpose of her changing it in the first place.). Her excuse for txting me was petty. She asked me if I could print for her, then she said if I had any clothes that were hers, then she changed it back to her needing me to print something for her. The best thing that i could have done was to ignore the txt but I replied telling her she could go to the library because i wasnt home. i think i should've just ignored her but i dont know why I care about this person so much. Its all very confusing to me. As she left I finally feel at peace with myself. I no longer feel stressed not do i feel like i cant be myself (I would not be able to express myself because everytime i did it would lead to an argument and her leaving... .I was at her mercy so to speak). Yet another part of me is suffering  im like a bundle of mixed emotions right now. I have been very close to contacting her again but what brings me back to earth is reading the posts from this page. Is like all the imaginary fairy tale story comes to me and its when i want to contact her but then i think of it all... .its just a lot. I give those of you  who havent had contact with their Ex for more than 3 months having loved and perhaps still loving that person. I honestly cant wait yet feel frighten to be in that same stance. I know i have a loong road ahead of me, however. To find closure, to forgive for my own health and not because the person asked. to grow as a human being.

 

[klacey3]

I feel the same way you do. I've been no contact 67 days. And still it breaks my heart! Realizing all his lies and manipulations . Empty words he said to me. Sounds like your ex was borderline. What we have to realize the illness affects so much to who they are . Yes, they know right from wrong and yes they act out and cause so much damage. But this is all part of their mental illness. They view things in very distorted ways. They justify their behaviors why painting you black or the monster. They get anger with us bc I think deep down they are frustrated at what they do. And they have a lot of shame. But they are the cause of their own shame if you ask me, by the things they do. I still wishes he would reach out to me. I still wonder what his life is like. Part of them was good,  We don't have their issues so we don't view things in black and white like they do. Their minds are on constant alert . They are thinned skinned and looking for the negative in anything you say. And you're right they aren't good catches. I ask myself why am I sad. Even if he wasn't cheating and lying and being emotionally and verbally abusive at times . What did he really have to offer? Mine? Not much! Always in debt, always wanting to go on vacation so he never had money saved in the bank. And gambling a lot. We have to try and realize these people are their own worse enemies and our lives would always be chaotic with them. Try and remember that when you miss him. I hope you find your peace!

Sorry to hear you feel the same, but at the same time it is nice know someone else understands.

Its just so hard trying to accept that I was essentially used and all of the times he said how in love with me he was, he didn't mean it. He doesn't have the ability to love (is that common for pw this disorder?) and he lacked empathy. Its just so confusing, even after all this time and research I still don't understand it. I dont think hes capable of more than shallow feelings.  I feel like nothing I shared with him was real to him. And i wish I didnt care but I don't know why I do. I dont think he even experienced shame because he distracted himself and didnt ever think analyse himself.

I think our exs sound similar as mine actually said he was too good to get a job that was beneath him, he believed he would become a famous actor. He earned all of his money placing bets and playing card games for money. When we describe them like this it really is a wonder why we even got together with them I guess.

[Itstopsnow]

I think they love you best to their abilities . If you were in a long term r/s he most likely really did have feelings for you. But they can't last. It's too much for them. They suck! They are very selfish and sneaky and manipulators. Lying and abusing is verbally or whatever. But it is coming from someone who's core is broken. They are so full of anger, and fear and they act out impulsively and do outrageous things. But they do have a good side too. The side you fell in love with. It's very sad. It's a deep mental illness that most people don't get help for. But it isn't an act when he was with you. At that time he was happy with you. They lack object constancy . And can compartmentalize . But what you share was as real as it could be for someone with that condition. Not sustainable though

[klacey3]

I think they love you best to their abilities . If you were in a long term r/s he most likely really did have feelings for you. But they can't last. It's too much for them. They suck! They are very selfish and sneaky and manipulators. Lying and abusing is verbally or whatever. But it is coming from someone who's core is broken. They are so full of anger, and fear and they act out impulsively and do outrageous things. But they do have a good side too. The side you fell in love with. It's very sad. It's a deep mental illness that most people don't get help for. But it isn't an act when he was with you. At that time he was happy with you. They lack object constancy . And can compartmentalize . But what you share was as real as it could be for someone with that condition. Not sustainable though

Im just not sure because I know he has acted like he has been interested in girls before by telling them things but actually it wasnt true. He has been in a relationship before with someone he claimed to love and at the same time told another girl he loved her. When I asked him about it he said he said it to make this person feel better. He admitted to me he has been with girls before that he didnt like that much and has said he loved girls before when he didn't. This is what worries me. I am not sure whether it is common for pw BPD to act like they really like someone when they don't or maybe it is just my ex that did this, maybe he is comorbid NPD :-/

[hopealways]

I think they love you best to their abilities . If you were in a long term r/s he most likely really did have feelings for you. But they can't last. It's too much for them. They suck! They are very selfish and sneaky and manipulators. Lying and abusing is verbally or whatever. But it is coming from someone who's core is broken. They are so full of anger, and fear and they act out impulsively and do outrageous things. But they do have a good side too. The side you fell in love with. It's very sad. It's a deep mental illness that most people don't get help for. But it isn't an act when he was with you. At that time he was happy with you. They lack object constancy . And can compartmentalize . But what you share was as real as it could be for someone with that condition. Not sustainable though

Mine told me "I love you in my own way."

[Itstopsnow]

Klacey 3, how long were you with him? Mine told me he had an ex he didn't feel attracted to when having sex with her. I know he didn't love her. He said she loved him so much. He told me once we broke up and we both were trying to date other people that he dated a girl but only went on four dates with her. He says terrible things about her. That her looks were below average and she was 25 pounds over weight. And her boobs were so saggy and he said other things that made me think . He's a jerk! I asked why are you dating her. He said because he is a substitute and living home with family and can't do better . He said he wished she had a better personality too. Like he is some major prize. I think only you were in your relationship . I know my ex objectify me. So he didn't love me either. I think it's hard. Because they don't know what it takes to love someone. Love is a choice and it's about sacrifice and giving and building each other up and nurturing and honest communication with care and commitment. So in Essenes then none of the people with BPD can truly love. Again it's best to their limited capabilities . It's very sad to realize that