First post and a letter to my mum

[smurfel]

Hi, i'm 21 years old and i've come to this site several times over the past few months and I finally feel able to post a letter about my mum, and in a way addressed to her.

Me and her have never really been close and I don't think we will ever will. I didn't know she was borderline until I was 15 so my childhood was littered with confusion. She had angry outbursts where she would be screaming and throwing things around. She would be violent towards by dad and then lock him out the house, i'd hide in my room until I could sneak the keys and let him in. But at this point in my life my dad never fought back he was just submissive. So until we moved when I was 11, we were in the cycle of arguments, verbal abuse and when things were really bad she would threaten my dad with a knife.

We moved house when I was 11 after the birth of my little sister, and she was soon to be pregnant with my brother. During this time I started my second high school and struggled to make friends, i've been bullied my entire life. Probably because the kids knew I was different (more mature than I should have been for my age). She gave birth to my sister when I was 10, and my brother when I was 12. But age 11 is when things went really downhill.

She started falling into a deep depression and self harming, my dad was only concerned for her. So at age 11 I started looking after the children before and after school. Sometimes during the night when my dad worked nights and my mum wouldn't get up. I was 11 years old... .looking after a baby and a toddler.  I went to school everyday exhausted and when I got home I was back to feeding/changing/bathing routine. She placed all this responsibility on me while she hid out in her room until she came out to throw things and scream again.

There is alot more to this story which I don't want to go into detail yet but... .this pattern of behaviour went on until I was 17 and my dad finally left. I left with him and the children. They divorced... .mum had another child... .and here we are.

Dear Mum,

It's hard to explain all the feelings I have surrounding you... .I spent my childhood with you angry with me and leaving me to fend for myself only to pretend you were mother of the year when my Dad got back. Then when I was teenager you made me grow up too fast. I spent years looking after my brother and sister when I love more than anything in this world. I love them more than myself. But I never knew it wasn't normal, until a person I now call one of my very best friends came to the house. I answered the door and went to make a bottle. She looked at me concerned and asked me what I was doing. I replied "being a big sister" because that is what you taught me. You taught me was okay to be doing coursework till after midnight because I spent hours trying to get the babies to sleep. Or when I went to school barely functioning after my sister had been up with tonsillitis in the night. You taught me that was okay. My teenager years ended in seeing a therapist and you didn't care.

Then you divorced my dad and made me choose who to live with, and when I chose Dad you didn't speak to me for a year. Yet you spoke to my Dad everyday... .you didn't divorce me but that is exactly what it felt like. You told your family I was abusive, horrible, vile and a worthless child. They cut me out of their lives and you seemed happy. Whenever I saw you it would only be more arguments and you would chuck me out the house. Always making me the bad guy

I'm 21 years old today and we barely speak. I go down to see my baby sister but even then we don't talk. Just last week you had a friend over who looked at me and my brother and sisters on floor and said "I didn't even know you had four children" and I wish I could say that was the first time. I guess sometime over the years I became the object to blame for your borderline, because like you said "I was fine until you were born" and I know somewhere in my hear that it isn't true. You were sick my entire life and you're just sicker now. I don't recognise you.

I guess I can summarise this by saying Mum, you have put my through so much in just my short life time. I thought for years I was okay with you not being in my life, it as my choice to limit contact. But I miss you everyday. I miss having a mum in my life to love me. I miss having a person who I could always contact when I felt sad. I hate mothers day because it just makes me feel lonely. I know you will never be better, and i've somewhat come to terms with the fact you won't be at major events in my life just like you werent at graduation.  I know that since I was 11 years old I lost my mother.

I just miss you incredibly. Even when you forget about me.

[Eyeamme]

Hi Smurful 

You sound like a strong young woman. Your post made my heart ache for you. Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself how you would want your mom to treat you. Believe me I know.

[Kwamina]

Hi smurfel

Welcome to bpdfamily. Thanks for introducing yourself and sharing this letter with us.

You have been through a lot in your life and from a young age enormous responsibilities were placed on you. Taking care of your younger brother and sister while you were still a child yourself isn't easy at all. You also were bullied which makes everything even harder, I know this from personal experience as I was also bullied in high school while dealing with an (undiagnosed) BPD mother at home. I am very sorry your childhood was so difficult.

Your mother's behavior sounds quite concerning indeed. Making you responsible for everything is horrible and the violence and screaming are very disturbing. I am glad you and your brother and sister no longer live in that negative and hostile environment. Unfortunately your bay sister does still have to deal with your mother. How does your mother treat your baby sister?

It isn't easy accepting the reality of our BPD parent because this also means letting go of the 'loving fantasy parent' we never had, yet deep inside might still long for very much. So I understand why in spite of everything you say you miss your mother incredibly, you miss the fantasy parent that she unfortunately never was in real life.

How do you feel now after you've expressed yourself through this letter?

I am glad you reached out for support here. You've been coming here for months so you already know that many of our members (including me) also have a BPD parent and will be able to relate to you.

Take care

[smurfel]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me guys. It feels good to have some sort of validation that i'm not alone with all the weird feelings.

@Kwamina I'm glad we are all out too and i'm ridiculously thankful that both my brother and sister have grown up to be two amazing children. So kind and thoughful despite what they have been through. I feel sorry for them the most but i'm very proud of them.

Luckily for baby sister she seems to have largely moved on from the rage/screaming fits but she does exhibit alot of other concerning BPD traits. Social services here in the UK are involved but i'm still worried, my baby sister turned 2 in August and she can't stand/walk and she has limited speech. Several services are involved due to neglect and developmental delay but it seems like they aren't really doing anything. I'm not sure what to do about it next.

Yes the fantasy parent is exactly how I feel. I didn't have a phrase for that before but that makes so much sense.

I feel better now I put this out into the open. I keep alot to myself apart from one person I trust so sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed. However knowing people out there feel similar is pretty comforting.

[Kwamina]

Luckily for baby sister she seems to have largely moved on from the rage/screaming fits but she does exhibit alot of other concerning BPD traits. Social services here in the UK are involved but i'm still worried, my baby sister turned 2 in August and she can't stand/walk and she has limited speech. Several services are involved due to neglect and developmental delay but it seems like they aren't really doing anything. I'm not sure what to do about it next.

It is difficult knowing your baby sister is living in that environment. What behaviors of your mother currently concern you the most? Does she still self-harm like she used to do in the past?

Social services are involved though you are not too convinced yet that they are really doing anything. This is very unfortunate. There are limitations to what you can do yourself, I am glad that you are at least able to visit your little sister which allows you to keep somewhat of an eye on her.

I am also glad getting your story out here has made you feel better

[Please help]

I read your post as I could tell by the title you are searching for answers to your confusing life. As you were describing you life, I could see how your mother would simply twist the letter around and explain how you were on drugs, sleeping around, stealing , etc. and that is why she cannot have you around her kids.

  Then I got to the 2nd paragraph of your letter to mom. She did paint you black and smear you. The reason I knew this is because it happened to me. It is painful beyond words. i almost want to cry for your pain. Unfortunately, it never goes away. We have to look for ways to cope. That's all we can do.

  It's quite common for BPD's to smear family members such as yourself. I am convinced deep down they know what they are doing. They are so disregulated emotionally, it's all they know. When your mom is alone thinking of you, there may be a few moments of guilt /remorse. That is quickly replaced by the "why does she have to be such a bad child". It's their way of coping. They never take blame.

  Please do not try to waste years of good deeds to prove otherwise. You will lose. I speak from experience. You will be even more devastated than letting nature take it's course. You sound like a great person and she is losing out. You already know that.

Your letter will be seen as an insult. I encourage you to stay away as she may go so far as to take legal action i.e call police, restraining orders, etc to "protect her family" from you. It's part of the smear campaign and you are too young to emotionally handle those types of attacks.

I was 19 and cared for my invalid gmother. My father was in jail and was trying to get out by accusing me of abusing his mother with the hopes the courts would let him out of jail early. He even had a social worker petitioning the court on his behalf ( his say so alone) that he needs to get out of jail to care for elderly mother as she is being abused by her grandson (me). I thought I was going to prison. I asked the social worker on the phone if she ever saw his criminal record. She said she was not concerned about his past. At first, I thought it was my friend having a girl play a joke on me. He also wanted her cash to fuel his addiction to crack. I can assure you, your m will find people in her corner if she goes after you. If she was mad enough at you, do not be surprised if she claimed you were abusing her kids.

I know what I am writing is sick and twisted and all you want is a loving mother. I am telling you this so you know how far these people will go    to keep projecting their behavior onto others.

You are going through a great deal of emotional pain and the last thing you need are accusations when all you were trying to do is make amends with your mother.

Your letter is breaking one major rule. NEVER CALL A BPD OUT ON THEIR BEHAVIOR AND EXPECT THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT. The tables will be turned and you will not believe how they perceive things.

Your younger siblings have heard nothing but bad about you. This will never change. Only when they are older and if they break free of her ( they may not) you can try to establish contact.

I am sorry for the long post. You sound alot like me.

In closing, keep yourself protected legally and emotionally at all times. People who have dealt with BPD's for a long time. will agree with that statement.

Find yourself a solid group of faith based people to build a community with , get yourself a good education and be careful of who comes into your life. You have more damage than you are aware of. It's only when you realize you are married to or engaged with a crazy person does  therapist ask you how you ignored all the red flags. Then your insane childhood comes roaring back to life. So be aware of this weakness and watch out.

Stay strong and keep your chin up. You have a beautiful soul.