Knowing we were wronged and having to let go into nothingness

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think a big problem that many of us face is. We were wronged, lied to, manipulated, made to feel like we were the crazy ones, or at fault for the relationship problems, all the while they are in the background doing deceitful things. Gas lighting, projections, back to idealize again only to go straight to rages, and tantrums. Now obviously this doesn't all happen at once. But fur many of us it became a way of life. We knew there were issues but we didn't realize that the person was hiding so much underneath what already seemed to be an explosive or at the very least an extra sensitive skin. So we find out the ugly truth! Who they really are as oppose to who we thought they were. And now we have to let go into nothingness. No closure, no I'm sorry, no explanations. It doesn't seem fair . Where is the happy ending or at least some type of justice for all the good you did for them.

Again, I think that is why we need to realize they are sick! They will do this again and again! It was never about us! It's how they function or should I say underfunction in life. They have a serious mental disorder. And it doesn't give them a pass. But it does explain the behaviors. It is unfortunately what we have to come to terms with in our own time and own way. There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long. They are broken if you will. They can't adapt to life in any other way. They don't learn from mistakes not because they don't care but they can't handle life in any other capacity.  It's sad when you think about it. But don't because it's not our problem anymore. They need to figure life out for themselves. Some may get help, most won't. And they'll be miserable all their lives. Don't think because they dont face the music and skip out on being accountable that they get off Scott free! Look at their lives! We've all seen it. Huge debt, job instability, constant chaos. And we don't even fully know what is going on in their minds or under the surface! That is probably much worse than we can imagine. The loss and the shame they mount up over a lifetime! I wouldn't wish on anyone! We are the lucky ones! Now we just all need to learn to be at peace with this destruction! It was terrible! But does not sum up our whole life! And it has nothing to do with our character. I know I need to personally just let him go. He can not be anything more than what he is. We feel like we are wounded or left behind or wronged and discarded. Thank God we aren't in that mess. I have to remember that and live it. We can do and be with someone and develop a life without restrictions . They have so many restrictions to who and what they are or could be due to BPD. We are actually on the better end to be.

[Itstopsnow]

I think a big problem that many of us face is. We were wronged, lied to, manipulated, made to feel like we were the crazy ones, or at fault for the relationship problems, all the while they are in the background doing deceitful things. Gas lighting, projections, back to idealize again only to go straight to rages, and tantrums. Now obviously this doesn't all happen at once. But fur many of us it became a way of life. We knew there were issues but we didn't realize that the person was hiding so much underneath what already seemed to be an explosive or at the very least an extra sensitive skin. So we find out the ugly truth! Who they really are as oppose to who we thought they were. And now we have to let go into nothingness. No closure, no I'm sorry, no explanations. It doesn't seem fair . Where is the happy ending or at least some type of justice for all the good you did for them.

Again, I think that is why we need to realize they are sick! They will do this again and again! It was never about us! It's how they function or should I say underfunction in life. They have a serious mental disorder. And it doesn't give them a pass. But it does explain the behaviors. It is unfortunately what we have to come to terms with in our own time and own way. There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long. They are broken if you will. They can't adapt to life in any other way. They don't learn from mistakes not because they don't care but they can't handle life in any other capacity.  It's sad when you think about it. But don't because it's not our problem anymore. They need to figure life out for themselves. Some may get help, most won't. And they'll be miserable all their lives. Don't think because they dont face the music and skip out on being accountable that they get off Scott free! Look at their lives! We've all seen it. Huge debt, job instability, constant chaos. And we don't even fully know what is going on in their minds or under the surface! That is probably much worse than we can imagine. The loss and the shame they mount up over a lifetime! I wouldn't wish on anyone! We are the lucky ones! Now we just all need to learn to be at peace with this destruction! It was terrible! But does not sum up our whole life! And it has nothing to do with our character. I know I need to personally just let him go. He can not be anything more than what he is. We feel like we are wounded or left behind or wronged and discarded. Thank God we aren't in that mess. I have to remember that and live it. We can do and be with someone and develop a life without restrictions . They have so many restrictions to who and what they are or could be due to BPD. We are actually on the better end to be.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think a big problem that many of us face is. We were wronged, lied to, manipulated, made to feel like we were the crazy ones, or at fault for the relationship problems, all the while they are in the background doing deceitful things. Gas lighting, projections, back to idealize again only to go straight to rages, and tantrums. Now obviously this doesn't all happen at once. But fur many of us it became a way of life. We knew there were issues but we didn't realize that the person was hiding so much underneath what already seemed to be an explosive or at the very least an extra sensitive skin. So we find out the ugly truth! Who they really are as oppose to who we thought they were. And now we have to let go into nothingness. No closure, no I'm sorry, no explanations. It doesn't seem fair . Where is the happy ending or at least some type of justice for all the good you did for them.

Again, I think that is why we need to realize they are sick! They will do this again and again! It was never about us! It's how they function or should I say underfunction in life. They have a serious mental disorder. And it doesn't give them a pass. But it does explain the behaviors. It is unfortunately what we have to come to terms with in our own time and own way. There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long. They are broken if you will. They can't adapt to life in any other way. They don't learn from mistakes not because they don't care but they can't handle life in any other capacity.  It's sad when you think about it. But don't because it's not our problem anymore. They need to figure life out for themselves. Some may get help, most won't. And they'll be miserable all their lives. Don't think because they dont face the music and skip out on being accountable that they get off Scott free! Look at their lives! We've all seen it. Huge debt, job instability, constant chaos. And we don't even fully know what is going on in their minds or under the surface! That is probably much worse than we can imagine. The loss and the shame they mount up over a lifetime! I wouldn't wish on anyone! We are the lucky ones! Now we just all need to learn to be at peace with this destruction! It was terrible! But does not sum up our whole life! And it has nothing to do with our character. I know I need to personally just let him go. He can not be anything more than what he is. We feel like we are wounded or left behind or wronged and discarded. Thank God we aren't in that mess. I have to remember that and live it. We can do and be with someone and develop a life without restrictions . They have so many restrictions to who and what they are or could be due to BPD. We are actually on the better end to be.

There's a lot of wisdom here.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you! I feel we either have to accept it for what it was . Or we will get stuck and it's not worth that. We are trying to make sense of a very sick person's behaviors. It never will make full sense. They aren't well.

[Rmbrworst]

What's helping me to slowly move on is recognizing this fact.

They are sick.

My heart goes out to him, I will always care for him, as I still hold a place in my heart for anybody I have been involved with.

But he's sick . . . and I cannot help him.

But I can make sure I respect myself, and demand respect from others.  That's most important.

I did not get respect, and I did not demand respect . . . from now on, I am. 

I have learned from this and I am pushing forward.

Your message has given me some strength.

[Itstopsnow]

We all learn from these relationships that we need to value ourselves more. The one lesson we can take from them.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I think a big problem that many of us face is. We were wronged, lied to, manipulated, made to feel like we were the crazy ones, or at fault for the relationship problems, all the while they are in the background doing deceitful things. Gas lighting, projections, back to idealize again only to go straight to rages, and tantrums. Now obviously this doesn't all happen at once. But fur many of us it became a way of life. We knew there were issues but we didn't realize that the person was hiding so much underneath what already seemed to be an explosive or at the very least an extra sensitive skin. So we find out the ugly truth! Who they really are as oppose to who we thought they were. And now we have to let go into nothingness. No closure, no I'm sorry, no explanations. It doesn't seem fair . Where is the happy ending or at least some type of justice for all the good you did for them.

Again, I think that is why we need to realize they are sick! They will do this again and again! It was never about us! It's how they function or should I say underfunction in life. They have a serious mental disorder. And it doesn't give them a pass. But it does explain the behaviors. It is unfortunately what we have to come to terms with in our own time and own way. There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long. They are broken if you will. They can't adapt to life in any other way. They don't learn from mistakes not because they don't care but they can't handle life in any other capacity.  It's sad when you think about it. But don't because it's not our problem anymore. They need to figure life out for themselves. Some may get help, most won't. And they'll be miserable all their lives. Don't think because they dont face the music and skip out on being accountable that they get off Scott free! Look at their lives! We've all seen it. Huge debt, job instability, constant chaos. And we don't even fully know what is going on in their minds or under the surface! That is probably much worse than we can imagine. The loss and the shame they mount up over a lifetime! I wouldn't wish on anyone! We are the lucky ones! Now we just all need to learn to be at peace with this destruction! It was terrible! But does not sum up our whole life! And it has nothing to do with our character. I know I need to personally just let him go. He can not be anything more than what he is. We feel like we are wounded or left behind or wronged and discarded. Thank God we aren't in that mess. I have to remember that and live it. We can do and be with someone and develop a life without restrictions . They have so many restrictions to who and what they are or could be due to BPD. We are actually on the better end to be.

This was along the same line of thinking that I have been doing. Especially after he broke NC with me today after it's been a year to the day almost since we last talked.

I keep seeing his behavior as manipulation and conniving but then I would tell myself to realize he's suffering from a mental illness. I've got a lot of anger at him and myself that I'm having a hard time letting go of because his actions seem so calculated. So much deceit and many lies. Walking on eggshells. But in the end I can function in life whether I am alone and in a relationship. He can NOT be alone and has no identity. I know exactly who I am and what I want out of life.

If I could get my perspective to shift from how he did me wrong and how badly I was treated to more compassion because although it seems he's skipping off into the sunset with new girlfriend by his side, he's an emotionally messed up person and isn't being spared the consequences of his actions... .he's got a long list of failed relationships with girlfriends, friends, family members... .

Living a life where you push people to abandon you over and over again is no life at all.

[FlSunshineGirl]

We all learn from these relationships that we need to value ourselves more. The one lesson we can take from them.

So true!

[once removed]

There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long.

there is also something freeing in digging a little deeper; not necessarily to be seen as what we did wrong, but areas in which we can improve. these relationships have a unique way of revealing those areas. looking back, i dont think i was emotionally available to the kind of healthy relationship id like to have. it took me a long time to see, but there were areas that my ex and i clashed, that i realized, if improved upon, would not have made my ex and i any more right for each other than we already werent, but would have made a difference, and more importantly, might make me more emotionally available to a healthy gal in the future. do you relate, itstopsnow?

[Trog]

I think a big problem that many of us face is. We were wronged, lied to, manipulated, made to feel like we were the crazy ones, or at fault for the relationship problems, all the while they are in the background doing deceitful things. Gas lighting, projections, back to idealize again only to go straight to rages, and tantrums. Now obviously this doesn't all happen at once. But fur many of us it became a way of life. We knew there were issues but we didn't realize that the person was hiding so much underneath what already seemed to be an explosive or at the very least an extra sensitive skin. So we find out the ugly truth! Who they really are as oppose to who we thought they were. And now we have to let go into nothingness. No closure, no I'm sorry, no explanations. It doesn't seem fair . Where is the happy ending or at least some type of justice for all the good you did for them.

Again, I think that is why we need to realize they are sick! They will do this again and again! It was never about us! It's how they function or should I say underfunction in life. They have a serious mental disorder. And it doesn't give them a pass. But it does explain the behaviors. It is unfortunately what we have to come to terms with in our own time and own way. There is something freeing in Knowimg we didn't do anything wrong except maybe stay too long. They are broken if you will. They can't adapt to life in any other way. They don't learn from mistakes not because they don't care but they can't handle life in any other capacity.  It's sad when you think about it. But don't because it's not our problem anymore. They need to figure life out for themselves. Some may get help, most won't. And they'll be miserable all their lives. Don't think because they dont face the music and skip out on being accountable that they get off Scott free! Look at their lives! We've all seen it. Huge debt, job instability, constant chaos. And we don't even fully know what is going on in their minds or under the surface! That is probably much worse than we can imagine. The loss and the shame they mount up over a lifetime! I wouldn't wish on anyone! We are the lucky ones! Now we just all need to learn to be at peace with this destruction! It was terrible! But does not sum up our whole life! And it has nothing to do with our character. I know I need to personally just let him go. He can not be anything more than what he is. We feel like we are wounded or left behind or wronged and discarded. Thank God we aren't in that mess. I have to remember that and live it. We can do and be with someone and develop a life without restrictions . They have so many restrictions to who and what they are or could be due to BPD. We are actually on the better end to be.

Yes, they will do it again and again, they did it to their exes and will replay it in their futures. By being a non and drawn to these people you have a high tolerance for BS and disrespectful behaviours, we're excuse makers by default many of us due to FOO issues. Where many of our friends just think 'forget the a$$ole' we tend to find excuses and reasons for their behaviour, trying to learn more about BPD or whatever mental issues they have instead of putting our own wellbeing first.

I may not be as mentally sick as my ex, but I have broken boundaries and that in itself is a sickness - the good thing about the whole debacle is understanding now just how much my past controls my present and future: my own eyes and mind are a huge problem in my own happiness and I'm grateful to finally be able to see that, it's a huge blessing and helps me put down any crap/negativity or brooding resentment I see raising its head in my new relationship, I can cut the whole thing out before it becomes anything. I no longer read about my ex illness, I still sometimes make excuses for her and blame myself for things where truly others considers me a saint. I'm retiring the white horse!

[thisworld]

It's true that people who did these to us will probably not have an A HA moment (so we won't get any recognition) and there isn't a formal justice system that readily recognizes the emotional and other forms of abuse we went through. However, I personally don't see this as letting go into nothingness. We, some unique individuals with differing value systems have chosen not to relate with pwBPD and I think that's something significant and valuable in itself. It's an affirmation of self-respect for some of us, for some others it may mean many more things, but it's not nothingness. We have said NO to something and that always has a social effect even if noone else recognizes this right now. Actually, if more people did this, the world would be a much better place than say a justice system could ever create. I also believe everything we do becomes a kind of social action because people always become models for other people, we learn from each other. Saying NO to abuse is very powerful for a lot of reasons, we become empowering models for people around us even if this doesn't get openly recognized.     

[Itstopsnow]

When I said let go into nothingness I was kinda of just referring to these types of breakups with a BPD. You have nothing to hold onto. Most regular relationships having a mourning period but you can salvage some good times. Some break ups with some BPD's are so full of deceit and lies and manipulation. That really there is no good memories you can say we're true or know for sure what they were doing in the background. I do believe I gained a lot of wisdom and life lessons from this experience. I am going to set better boundaries and have more respect for myself. The first time someone talks to me in a derogatory way, I walk. I see there things that are automatic deal breakers. Behaviors show actions. And words are just lip service if not followed through. I wish I never met him, but the learning I will take with me for life.

[Suzn]

the learning I will take with me for life.

Is it possible to see this as a gift?

I am going to set better boundaries and have more respect for myself.

Why didn't we have good boundaries and more self respect in the first place? Why did we stay? Exploring our answers to these questions can help us grow.