Feeling better again

[Please help]

Hello All,

   After a few brief conversations with my F, I have to come here to get my thoughts clear. Where we left off was I found an excuse to call him, let him know I had a son and then email him a pic. I saw him 1x in 25 years. He expressed interest in seeing baby and I was open. He dropped a few rude remarks about how I abandoned everyone.

He emailed me asking about baby but more importantly, wanting to know if I could check on arrest warrants for people. I said no and left it at that.  He never followed up on the visit as a I suspected he would not.

It is crystal clear he had no intentions of any sort of relationship with me. Moreover, he blames be (projection) for not having a father - son relationship. I bailed him out of jail approx 15x in my late teen early 20's. I helped him a great deal.

I am feeling better now that I am not in the fog on dealing with someone who is BPD / NPD or whichever disorder fits best.

As mentioned previously, NC is the way to go as your mental health is paramount to everything. It's amazing how twisted these people really are.

[Kwamina]

Hi please help

I am sorry you had this disappointing interaction with your father. Based on your past experiences, this doesn't come as a complete surprise yet it still is sad and I can see how this would hurt you.

I also understand why in spite of everything, you still wanted to at least try to somewhat involve him in your life. It seems he is still incapable of acting in a loving way befitting of a true father. This is very unfortunate, but it is what it is. He hasn't change, but you can and have.

Going NC or not, is always a very personal decision. Regardless of the level of contact you have, or whether you have contact at all, the most important thing I think is to take good care of yourself and be mindful of your own emotional needs. Solid boundaries and the defending/enforcement of those boundaries, help to protect yourself and preserve your well-being.

I am glad you are feeling better now

Take care

[busybee1116]

I'm glad you're feeling better again too! I don't have kids, but this rings true to me--I've heard the saying that we have 2 chances at the parent-child relationship. One as a child, one as a parent. You can definitely be a different parent to your child. Best to you!

[Please help]

Thanks for the replies. It reminds me of how difficult my early life was because I had no parents. True, I got to live in my father's house with his 2nd wife and step-siblings for a few years. I was clearly made unwelcome and moved out at 18. One needs a parent into at least their mid twenties. Anything short of that, the child will feel a real loss. I say this because people mature until mid 20's and need parents around for help and guidance.

I am grateful I survived. Admittedly, the one thing that does bother me is how much I did for both my parents at various points in time. They in turn portrayed me as a horrible person to compensate for their own shortcomings as parents.

This is part of the smear campaign many of us are familiar with. If we are not in front of them catering to their needs, we are painted black.

I honestly look at what I went through as something akin to surviving a war. One endures horrible trauma for several years that they did not bring on themselves.At some point, you have to stop hating the politicians and soldiers who were involved in the war and simply give thanks to G-d you are alive. If you read the story of Anne Frank, many of you will identify with Otto Frank. There is a great movie on youtube as well about this. He survived and his family did not.

After going through the ordeal of having BPD parents, many of us who come here realize a piece of our heart is missing due to not having "normal" parents. It's important to understand and accept this then move on with whatever we have left and live our lives to the best of our abilities.

Thanks again for listening !