False abuse allegations about teachers and her friends' relatives

[SoSoSoTired]

In 6th grade when my daughter began to make false abuse allegations about teachers and her friends' relatives, I firmly explained that I would immediately and permanently evicted her from our family's home, throw her into foster care, and change her last name if she ever made a false sexual allegation against her brothers or dad.  To this date, she hasn't done this.  I'm glad I did this because she did start making false sexual allegations in 9th grade.  The police found that one man, whom she said raped her, didn't even exist.

IMO, It is morally wrong to provide radical acceptance of a BPD person making false sexual allegations. Choosing to make false allegations that can imprison innocent people is EVIL. Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287468.0

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

IMO, It is morally wrong to provide radical acceptance of a BPD person making false sexual allegations. Choosing to make false allegations that can imprison innocent people is EVIL.

I agree. What took place after your DD did this?

[SoSoSoTired]

What took place after I told her I'd permanently remove her from my home if she made false sexual allegations against her brothers or dad?

She become 'snotty' with me and told me she would never make false allegations against anyone.  I was a horrible mom for suggesting that she would ever do such a thing.   2.5 years later she started making false sexual allegations, but not against her brothers or dad. 

[SoSoSoTired]

After she started making false sexual allegations in 9th grade, she continued to do it and still does it to get attention and sympathy from new friends who don't know she's warped and lies continuously.   Therapy didn't change her behavior.  Neither did going to a RTF for almost a year.

[Suzn]

I'm glad I did this because she did start making false sexual allegations in 9th grade.  The police found that one man, whom she said raped her, didn't even exist.

IMO, It is morally wrong to provide radical acceptance of a BPD person making false sexual allegations. Choosing to make false allegations that can imprison innocent people is EVIL.

I've read a bit about false allegations being a physiological defense mechanism. And that the person making the allegations may not know why they are doing this. To write this off as evil can build a very large wall that stops any form of progress in it's tracks.

Radical acceptance is about accepting this person has a mental illness and to act accordingly with compassion. Radical acceptance is not the acceptance of dysfunctional BPD behaviors. There's a difference. These situations can be extremely stressful as you pointed out. Therapists who work with patients with BPD have therapists of their own as they can be emotionally draining and a good therapist knows this helps their objectivity and is key to their own self care.

Sososostired it would be good if you would start a thread with your history with your daughter so that we can get to know you better.

[SoSoSoTired]

I'm glad I did this because she did start making false sexual allegations in 9th grade.  The police found that one man, whom she said raped her, didn't even exist.

IMO, It is morally wrong to provide radical acceptance of a BPD person making false sexual allegations. Choosing to make false allegations that can imprison innocent people is EVIL.

I've read a bit about false allegations being a physiological defense mechanism. And that the person making the allegations may not know why they are doing this. To write this off as evil can build a very large wall that stops any form of progress in it's tracks.

Radical acceptance is about accepting this person has a mental illness and to act accordingly with compassion. Radical acceptance is not the acceptance of dysfunctional BPD behaviors. There's a difference. These situations can be extremely stressful as you pointed out. Therapists who work with patients with BPD have therapists of their own as they can be emotionally draining and a good therapist knows this helps their objectivity and is key to their own self care.

Sososostired it would be good if you would start a thread with your history with your daughter so that we can get to know you better.

I understand that radical acceptance is "accepting reality for what it is" and having empathy. I personally can't feel empathy when she makes false sexually allegations or false physical abuse allegations. The possible repercussions (sending innocent people to prison) are extremely horrible.   I understand patients with BPD have reduced empathy and have difficulty understanding how others feel, but my daughter didn't impulsively make her false sexual and physical abuse allegations.  She admitted that she planned them.  She could have planned less horrible ways to end relationships that she no longer wanted and to manipulate others to feel sorry for her.   It's possible that other patients with BPD make false sexual allegations impulsively (without planning) which is different from what my dPBD daughter does.   I am empathetic towards my daughter's other symptoms of her BPD.

That's interesting that therapists who treat patients with BPD have therapists of their own.  

I apologize, raytamtay3, for hijacking your thread.

[Kwamina]

IMO, It is morally wrong to provide radical acceptance of a BPD person making false sexual allegations. Choosing to make false allegations that can imprison innocent people is EVIL.

Dealing with extreme false accusations is very difficult indeed. I think it is important to note what we mean with 'radical acceptance' and 'empathy' on this site. Though linked, it are two separate concepts. When we talk about acceptance this is what we are talking about:

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

With acceptance we mean accepting reality as it is, which does not have to mean that you empathize with the other person, just that you acknowledge that things are the way they are. This does not mean that we say you can't or shouldn't do anything to change that reality, but to be able to change something, you first must acknowledge the thing exists in the first place:

So what gets in the way of radical acceptance? Lots of things do. The most common thing that gets in the way is the belief that if you radically accept that means you're approving, you're going to be passive, you're resigned.

People I've worked with, they almost always so this. They say, 'what are you talking about? Me?  Radically accept?  I thought you were trying to teach me to stand up for myself. How could I do that by radically accepting?'

Other people say, 'Are you kidding?  That's the problem with the world.  We accept to much - the world is going to hell in a hand cart and no-one is doing anything about it.'

If you want to change something, you have to accept it first.  You can't change something you don't accept.  If you don't face the reality as it is, if you deny it how are you going to change it?  If you think there is no cause, it just happened magically or fate or luck, how are you going to change it?

So, acceptance is required.

When validating or empathizing, it's important to keep in mind only to validate the valid and not the invalid:

Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.

For these reasons, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.

Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.

... .

It helps to communicate that others would have the same response, where we can authentically say this. ... .This is powerful. Of course, there are things you shouldn't normalize, such as suicidal behavior. Don't normalize behavior that is not normal.

Normalizing the making of false accusations of sexual abuse, would be validating the invalid and that's not what validation is about. Validation is about validating the valid and only the valid. There is however no denying the reality that certain people do make false accusations like this. To help deal with this difficult and unpleasant reality, is where 'radical acceptance' comes in.

[SoSoSoTired]

When my daughter was being discharged for the fifth time from an inpatient psychiatric hospital, I BEGGED the unit social worker to find her a group home because my husband and I are terrified of her.   She is at times delusional, homicidal, fascinated with gore, collects knives to threaten people, makes horrid false allegations for attention, cuts herself and photographs it to send to people to manipulate them, and invites dirty, bizarre strangers into her home to have sex with them for free.  

The psych unit social worker kept telling me that there was no place for her to go (she isn't dual diagnosis/addicted ).  She told me if I didn't take her home, she would be let out onto the inner city street and could possibly find a homeless shelter, but they were likely full.  I called every social service agency in my county.  Every single one. No one could help my daughter with housing because her IQ is above 70 or they had long waiting lists for transitional youth.   I even called adult protection services because she is a danger to herself. They interviewed my daughter at the psych unit and then me.  Then they said they couldn't help her find a supervised living arrangement.  

Upon discharge, my husband and I rented her an efficiency apartment to prevent her from being homeless in this very cold northern city.  Her landlord calls me at least once per month to tell me she's on verge of being evicted because of her antisocial behaviors. Her frequent screaming, fighting with numerous creepy one-night stands, and the frequent police visits frighten the other tenants.  I'm not renting her another apartment when she's evicted. She'll be homeless and may finally kill herself as she's threatened hundreds of times.  She may kill others too because her mind is twisted and has been since she was adopted as a toddler.  My husband and I are considering moving to another continent to escape her. Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289336

[Skip]

I firmly explained that I would immediately and permanently evicted her from our family's home, throw her into foster care, and change her last name... .

This is pretty strong statement to an adopted 11 year old girl with mental illness and extreme rejection sensitivities.

My husband and I got concealed carry permits in November because we are terrified of her.  We use our home alarm system 24/7.  We have a Glock under our bed.  I have a Remington R51 under the driver’s seat of my car.   

There is a strong message here, too.

Looking back, do you think tough love was the way to go (is the way for other members to go)?  

I'm not renting her another apartment when she's evicted. She'll be homeless and may finally kill herself as she's threatened hundreds of times.  She may kill others too because her mind is twisted and has been since she was adopted as a toddler.  My husband and I are considering moving to another continent to escape her.

How old is she?  You mentioned that she my have ASPD - what was she diagnosed with?  Looking forward, what is your hope? What would you like to see happen?

[Eyeamme]

  I am so sorry you are going through this sososo. I know how much it hurts and I also know the anger.

[mywifecrazy]

Sososotired,

I just wanted to say that it's hard to read your post without welling up. The pain, anguish and anxiety you are dealing with must be unbearable! Wish there were words that could give you some relief. Hang in there. I hope something happens to change the course you're on.

MWC... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders