I sold the engagement ring today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For everyone who s been following my story with my pwBPD exgf. Things have been tranquil the past few days. She s been texting me pretty consistently but one thing ive noticed is she has to tell me everything she s doing or where she is. Tuesday was gyno, yesterday and today was when she got to the gym and when she was leaving. We did that when we were together out of respect. Now im not asking what shevs doing its like she's trying to justify what she's doing. I wasnt the jeoulous type before and im certainly not now. Ive kept my replies very short. In addition i did not tell her but i sold the engagement ring today. I took a bit of a loss but at least now i recouped some of it. I know in my heart and head that this could never be anything more than the complete chaos it was.   

[Lexisdad]

For everyone who s been following my story with my pwBPD exgf. Things have been tranquil the past few days. She s been texting me pretty consistently but one thing ive noticed is she has to tell me everything she s doing or where she is. Tuesday was gyno, yesterday and today was when she got to the gym and when she was leaving. We did that when we were together out of respect. Now im not asking what shevs doing its like she's trying to justify what she's doing. I wasnt the jeoulous type before and im certainly not now. Ive kept my replies very short. In addition i did not tell her but i sold the engagement ring today. I took a bit of a loss but at least now i recouped some of it. I know in my heart and head that this could never be anything more than the complete chaos it was.   

[Lonely_Astro]

Staying LC or NC is the best way to go for detachment.  It's tough.  You've been through a lot more than I have, Lexisdad.  My ex is an "inward rage" type, so mostly I was subject to ST.  Every now and again I'd see the huff/puff from her and sulking, but she never called me names or anything.  Though she did do other passive aggressive things.

Im currently NC outside of work with her, ELC inside work.  It's tough.  I want to talk to her again, I miss her as my friend.  I also know nothing will come from that by trying to be her friend, except more pain, heartbreak, and hardship.  Short term pain for long term gain, I guess.  It's difficult for me because I do miss the J that I knew.  The 'true' J is a different story.  But 'my' J, I miss her.  Like I said, I know you've endured a lot more than I have.  Had I experienced what you have with J, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even want to be in the same city block as her... .just saying.

[kc sunshine]

Update: Okay, so I saw her last night and it turns out she is seeing a couple (in what sounds like a pretty serious relationship) as well as another guy (seems less serious). She was very flirty with me until I told her that I had gone on a couple of dates and then she flew into a rage. Wouldn't talk to me. I just had to walk out the door. I'm either detached or numb. Weird feeling.

If I hadn't mentioned the dates, I think things would have moved in an intimate direction. Part of me regrets that that didn't happen. Part of me still can't believe how unfair it is that she can be seeing three people and feel free to tell me all about it, but I can't go on a few dates without her getting furious. Another part of me thinks that if we did sleep together, and she pushed me away to be with the other people-- it would hurt more, so perhaps I should be relieved that we didn't (though that seems a bit circuitous). And I know I'm on the NC pep talk page, but I'm more trying to be "release with grace."

[Lonely_Astro]

Update: Okay, so I saw her last night and it turns out she is seeing a couple (in what sounds like a pretty serious relationship) as well as another guy (seems less serious). She was very flirty with me until I told her that I had gone on a couple of dates and then she flew into a rage. Wouldn't talk to me. I just had to walk out the door. I'm either detached or numb. Weird feeling.

If I hadn't mentioned the dates, I think things would have moved in an intimate direction. Part of me regrets that that didn't happen. Part of me still can't believe how unfair it is that she can be seeing three people and feel free to tell me all about it, but I can't go on a few dates without her getting furious. Another part of me thinks that if we did sleep together, and she pushed me away to be with the other people-- it would hurt more, so perhaps I should be relieved that we didn't (though that seems a bit circuitous). And I know I'm on the NC pep talk page, but I'm more trying to be "release with grace."

Sex would serve to only prolong your healing and your pain.  Then again, I've never been the "just sex" type.  Sex is the byproduct of a r/s to me.  Yeah, I'm an oddball.

[Rmbrworst]

Sex would serve to only prolong your healing and your pain.  Then again, I've never been the "just sex" type.  Sex is the byproduct of a r/s to me.  Yeah, I'm an oddball.

You're not an oddball.  That's beautiful.  That's how sex should be. 

To KC:

Gurl/boi, so much going on in that post.  She's seeing a couple . . .a nother dude, and she cant take the fact you've dated?

I mean come on man . . . leave this gurl in the DUST!  GOODBYE!

Trouble on a damn stick . . .

[kc sunshine]

I know! I wonder how BPD will play out with the couple. In some ways it might be good-- since there are two of them they might be in a better position to handle her anger and makes sense of some of the confusing things. Also, for my ex since jealousy is such a thing, it might help her to think through issues of jealousy in a more sustained, community way and give her a different philosophy of jealousy (they are going to poly group meetings, etc).

On the other hand, BPD could play out pretty destructively-- e.g. if she splits one black and one white etc. I guess we'll see.

On my end, I'm trying to work and see other friends, and keep myself busy. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I still haven't checked social media (22 days!) so that is good. Release with grace, DNR.

[C.Stein]

I just had to walk out the door. I'm either detached or numb. Weird feeling.

If I hadn't mentioned the dates, I think things would have moved in an intimate direction. Part of me regrets that that didn't happen.

You walked out the door with your dignity intact ... .good for you.   

[Penelope35]

I know! I wonder how BPD will play out with the couple. In some ways it might be good-- since there are two of them they might be in a better position to handle her anger and makes sense of some of the confusing things. Also, for my ex since jealousy is such a thing, it might help her to think through issues of jealousy in a more sustained, community way and give her a different philosophy of jealousy (they are going to poly group meetings, etc).

On the other hand, BPD could play out pretty destructively-- e.g. if she splits one black and one white etc. I guess we'll see.

On my end, I'm trying to work and see other friends, and keep myself busy. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I still haven't checked social media (22 days!) so that is good. Release with grace, DNR.

Hi KC. You know you shouldn't be thinking about how her relationships will go. Let her live them and mess them up and work on emotionally distancing yourself from this situation. You know you don't want someone who is the personalization of the term "double standards" among so many other things... . 

Lately when i am reading your all's stories I kind of started feeling how my friends feel when I tell them stories with my ex. They get mad and can't believe why I don't just shut this chapter for good and leave him out. This is how I am feeling now. Please distance your self and only then you will see how immature and self centered this behavior is.

Good for you that you an not checking her social media. You see? You can do it. One step at a time and slowly you will get there. We all will if we accept at some point that these unhealthy  r/s NEED TO BE OVER

[Penelope35]

Lexidad I am glad you are again almost out of the mind game you were caught in a few days ago. My ex almost sucked me back in the last time he appeared. But I am glad I found the strength to stand on my feet and say no. I hope you are feeling better!

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I see what you mean and I'm sure my friends are thinking this too... .thanks for your straight talk!

Hi KC. You know you shouldn't be thinking about how her relationships will go. Let her live them and mess them up and work on emotionally distancing yourself from this situation. You know you don't want someone who is the personalization of the term "double standards" among so many other things... . 

Lately when i am reading your all's stories I kind of started feeling how my friends feel when I tell them stories with my ex. They get mad and can't believe why I don't just shut this chapter for good and leave him out. This is how I am feeling now. Please distance your self and only then you will see how immature and self centered this behavior is.

Good for you that you an not checking her social media. You see? You can do it. One step at a time and slowly you will get there. We all will if we accept at some point that these unhealthy  r/s NEED TO BE OVER

[kc sunshine]

Did this thread change names from the NC support group?

[Beacher]

 It's so hard going n/c but I've also heard it described as ' detaching with love'. That's terrible that she has to enlighten you about other relationships she's having. You're doing the right thing. Time to take care of yourself and heal. Honestly I can't even think about getting involved with anyone right now, I feel like I have PTSS! Time to focus on other things and people in my life that I've neglected because our relationships with BPD's take up so much energy. Hang tough my friend

[Penelope35]

Yes, I see what you mean and I'm sure my friends are thinking this too... .thanks for your straight talk!

Hi KC. You know you shouldn't be thinking about how her relationships will go. Let her live them and mess them up and work on emotionally distancing yourself from this situation. You know you don't want someone who is the personalization of the term "double standards" among so many other things... . 

Lately when i am reading your all's stories I kind of started feeling how my friends feel when I tell them stories with my ex. They get mad and can't believe why I don't just shut this chapter for good and leave him out. This is how I am feeling now. Please distance your self and only then you will see how immature and self centered this behavior is.

Good for you that you an not checking her social media. You see? You can do it. One step at a time and slowly you will get there. We all will if we accept at some point that these unhealthy  r/s NEED TO BE OVER

I kind of thought that my reply may be overly straight and thought of modifying it to be honest. But then I said leave it, sometimes we need to hear things straight. Sorry if I sounded harsh though. I guess after some time of reading each others' stories and how they progress you start feeling more familiar even if you have never talked to them.

It is easier to see on others how unfair some behaviors are. And it is easier to see the kind of emotions those behaviors illicit on others. My protective tendencies kind of kicked in I guess Anyway sorry if I was overly straight. You know your ex better. But I do think this behavior is unacceptable

[Lexisdad]

 Yes kc mods must have changed it

Penelope it definitelly is harder than i thought. Im really staying lc and not initiating any texts. If she sends one they can usually be answered in one word, ie, did you see the crane collapse, its still snowing,etc. last night was what am i doing?  I'm still sticking to my game plan to move next week. I've put 6 years of my life in hold dealing with this relationship and illness and its the start of 3 months since the breakup. Sadly i have a feeling when she attempts the true recycle i'll be 1200 miles away and thats when i'll tell her i'm sorry im gone. I don't know how well she will take it but thats on her.

[Lonely_Astro]

Sex would serve to only prolong your healing and your pain.  Then again, I've never been the "just sex" type.  Sex is the byproduct of a r/s to me.  Yeah, I'm an oddball.

You're not an oddball.  That's beautiful.  That's how sex should be. 

To KC:

Gurl/boi, so much going on in that post.  She's seeing a couple . . .a nother dude, and she cant take the fact you've dated?

I mean come on man . . . leave this gurl in the DUST!  GOODBYE!

Trouble on a damn stick . . .

This made me  at a time when I really needed a 

[kc sunshine]

hahaha, me too-- thanks gang for the laughs and for the straight talk! Whoa, what a crazy show I was part of!

[kc sunshine]

No, I totally appreciated it, your words and also your protective impulse .  I think I'm just so shocked about the interactions, it almost as if I can't quite believe they are happening so am giving myself a reality check by talking about it. I'm gonna try to stop yammering on about it to my friends as well.

I saw a lot in the relationship, but I don't really think I saw the extent of her mental illness until now in our break up so it is really kind of unnerving.

Yes, I see what you mean and I'm sure my friends are thinking this too... .thanks for your straight talk!

I kind of thought that my reply may be overly straight and thought of modifying it to be honest. But then I said leave it, sometimes we need to hear things straight. Sorry if I sounded harsh though. I guess after some time of reading each others' stories and how they progress you start feeling more familiar even if you have never talked to them.

It is easier to see on others how unfair some behaviors are. And it is easier to see the kind of emotions those behaviors illicit on others. My protective tendencies kind of kicked in I guess Anyway sorry if I was overly straight. You know your ex better. But I do think this behavior is unacceptable

[Lonely_Astro]

Yes kc mods must have changed it

Penelope it definitelly is harder than i thought. Im really staying lc and not initiating any texts. If she sends one they can usually be answered in one word, ie, did you see the crane collapse, its still snowing,etc. last night was what am i doing?  I'm still sticking to my game plan to move next week. I've put 6 years of my life in hold dealing with this relationship and illness and its the start of 3 months since the breakup. Sadly i have a feeling when she attempts the true recycle i'll be 1200 miles away and thats when i'll tell her i'm sorry im gone. I don't know how well she will take it but thats on her.

Just curious, why tell her anything at all?