How do you keep from reacting?

[mssalty]

How do you keep from reacting in a way that makes your SO react negatively?   I think I've realized that a major part of my anxiety and tension is that I know I cannot say my concerns or issues because they won't be validated, so I suck them up and wind up blowing at the worst moments.       

I am feeling really rough now after a few years of handling it.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jessica84]

What helps me is distraction - work, chores, exercise, movies, books... .I get a lot of validation from accomplishing something, being productive, even if it's rearranging my sock drawer! Or I vent to my friends or family, or here. After awhile, his weirdness becomes almost comical, or sad, but not so angering. If I can release my own tension apart from him, I'm not having to hold it all in and so I'm less likely to blow up at him later. And I frequently re-read the lessons here - as a reminder that he is disordered and that's it's not me - and that often renews my compassion and lessens my resentments.

[Moselle]

I realised that resentment made me act in passive aggressive ways when I was triggered. Do you have any resentment?

[globalnomad]

This is a really tough one. I also feel like my concerns will not be validated, so often end up bottling things up. Like Moselle says though, this often leads to me acting out those frustrations in passive aggressive ways because of the resentment. It's not a healthy pattern.

I like Jessica84's suggestions. Do you have any good outlets like exercise, therapy or getting lost in a good book?

[mssalty]

There is resentment and there are admittedly overreactions.   I feel like I can't work through what I'm feeling or thinking without a negative response.   

It's frustrating because I always feel like I'm in the wrong no matter what.   

[leggomyeggshell]

One of the biggest challenges is not to react ourselves.  The only way people seem to be able to do is to view their pwBPD as a mentally ill person (which they are) whose words mean nothing.  However, in practice that is hard because the things that are said also implicate us.  And the pwBPD can go way over the top and involve third parties which is highly embarrasing.  The takeaway I think is just to own your own behavior.  That is something the BPD cannot do.

[leggomyeggshell]

Also if we get to a place where we don't react at all anymore, apparently that is supposed to decrease the frequency of their dysregulations.

[ColdEthyl]

*hugs* mssalty It's beyond frustrating sometimes dealing with their emotions and trying to deal with our own as well.

I get through it by sort of 'removing myself' from the situation. I remind myself he is mentally ill. I remind myself that his words are based on feelings he is experiencing at the time. There's different kinds of dysregulations with my husband, and I have just kind of learned over time which ones I need to key in and listen to, and which ones a smile and nod is enough.

You can even kind of make a game out of it. When he's dysregulating, 9 times out of 10 whatever he says it is... .it isn't. He's not upset that a dish was left in the sink. He's upset because he told me earlier he doesn't like that, and seeing one in there means I didn't listen and I don't care what he thinks. See... .the detective needs to be on the case! So I listen with the intent of sniffing out what the REAL trigger is. It's important to note they usually don't know themselves.

It's really hard sometimes. We are vulnerable too, sometimes. We need validation. We need to feel that acceptance. It's not going to come from them... .they can't handle their own emotions, let alone someone else's.

I use this forum, spending time with my children, play video games, photography, etc. to help with that. I also have been emailing a friend that's been helpful for me to get some stuff out that I can't talk to H about

[HopefulDad]

Practice scenarios in your head where you feel you're being attacked and how you would like to respond.  Often, the reacting negatively is an instinctual "fight-or-flight" mechanism kicking in during times of duress.  The practice of these times keeps the duress at a minimum, giving you a "hey, I'm ready for this" confidence on how to handle the situation.

I've said this elsewhere in the forum: Bodyguards in training start off wetting their pants at the simulated situations they encounter.  They get better at handling very difficult situations through practice, practice and more practice.  That same kind of practice tailored for our situations can help us be better responders.