Understanding

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm trying to move forward after a rough relationship. After doing research both in person with mental health professionals and through online research, I have come to realize I have been in a relationship, now past, with a woman who seems to fit the traits of bfd.

It has been about 15 months since we broke up. She was someone I loved fully, along with her two boys from a previous marriage. She worked in my business. It fit the classic signs of a codependent/bfd relationship. I realize this now. But I still struggle daily with the losses. We broke up the night before my mothers death after she told me she was in contact with someone else. She had been unfaithful before and I forgave her after long conversations and dialog. I thought It was the type of bump that many relationships endure. I was obviously wrong in trusting her. And i am still paying for believing her. I loaned her a large amount of money to fight for the custody of the two boys, believing her ex was irresponsible. He may have been but I realize now that I was just played. She also took many of my clients into another business. That alone has cost tens of thousand of dollars.

I struggle hourly with grief at times and then a a few good days. I don't understand the hold the relationship has on me still. I don't understand the volume of grief. I have been to counseling as well as trying a multiple of other therapies for ptsd and depression. I have resisted getting on medication. I just can't make myself do it. I feel like it will mask the problems, the pain, and the solution. I may be just be being stubborn or egotistical.

I found this site and some articles that truly represented the feelings, emotions, and thoughts I have been having daily. But they also restimulate my feelings of loss, pain, and loneliness. It is frustrating and I fear I may never be free of this pain. I emailed one of the therapists Sheri to see if I can work with her form of therapy. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am trying this to have hope, to hear that someone else has dealt with the shredding of their heart and ego and made it back to health and happiness. If you have would you mind sharing with me what work. I am not living, just zombieing my way through life. Thanks for reading. Bear

[Bear7111]

I'm trying to move forward after a rough relationship. After doing research both in person with mental health professionals and through online research, I have come to realize I have been in a relationship, now past, with a woman who seems to fit the traits of bfd.

It has been about 15 months since we broke up. She was someone I loved fully, along with her two boys from a previous marriage. She worked in my business. It fit the classic signs of a codependent/bfd relationship. I realize this now. But I still struggle daily with the losses. We broke up the night before my mothers death after she told me she was in contact with someone else. She had been unfaithful before and I forgave her after long conversations and dialog. I thought It was the type of bump that many relationships endure. I was obviously wrong in trusting her. And i am still paying for believing her. I loaned her a large amount of money to fight for the custody of the two boys, believing her ex was irresponsible. He may have been but I realize now that I was just played. She also took many of my clients into another business. That alone has cost tens of thousand of dollars.

I struggle hourly with grief at times and then a a few good days. I don't understand the hold the relationship has on me still. I don't understand the volume of grief. I have been to counseling as well as trying a multiple of other therapies for ptsd and depression. I have resisted getting on medication. I just can't make myself do it. I feel like it will mask the problems, the pain, and the solution. I may be just be being stubborn or egotistical.

I found this site and some articles that truly represented the feelings, emotions, and thoughts I have been having daily. But they also restimulate my feelings of loss, pain, and loneliness. It is frustrating and I fear I may never be free of this pain. I emailed one of the therapists Sheri to see if I can work with her form of therapy. I don't know what else to do.

I guess I am trying this to have hope, to hear that someone else has dealt with the shredding of their heart and ego and made it back to health and happiness. If you have would you mind sharing with me what work. I am not living, just zombieing my way through life. Thanks for reading. Bear

[Itstopsnow]

Hi Bear,

My very sorry for your pain. Your story is very heartbreaking. Be gentle with yourself. We are all coming off of a crazy relationship. In one sense you felt closer to this person than anyone else. They opened up quick, showed you they wanted you and your time. Things in these type of relationships are completely intoxicating but surely unrealistic. My ex and I went on 5 major week long vacations. Had fabulous times! And we did so many weekend get aways too! It was always exciting with him. But real relationships can't travel that much! He was always in debt and never saved a penny! I paid for way more than my share. It is a fantasyland. They are Not equipped to give you a real relationship.

Understanding is what you're looking for to make sense of the loss, hurt, betrayal. They are sick mentally. And we can read things about BPD till we are blue in the face and it still won't satisfy our yearning to understand and make sense of their behaviors. It never will make full sense! Because they deceived us and lied about what they were really feeling inside and what they were doing. They lied because they are sick and know no other way to be. It truly wasn't about us. And our pain truly isn't about them. They touched a broken part of us. I know part of me misses the guy I thought I knew. There were good parts to my ex. He made me laugh and we had fun. But if I'm being honest, I saw how self seeking he was. How immature and entitled he acted. How his needs were his primary focus. I didn't realize how phony, and unfaithful he was as a friend and lover. We will never fully grasp what they did bc we don't operate that way, we aren't in their heads, we don't know what they were feeling or how they rationalized their behaviors. I hear they have thought suppression, so they can block out things they've done or block out people they've hurt. And they tend to look for the negative in things and spilt so sometimes they may justify the person deserving the behaviors they display.

I think it's important we get to a place where we can let go and stop analyzing their illness and their character. These behaviors are their coping skills and are almost instinctive by now. They've been doing this long before we came into the picture. They will continue their lives in these frantic and dramatic fashions. We have to try and make an effort to let it all go. It's daunting to think about and it's not a part of our life anymore! We don't have to hold onto this toxic mess. One day at a time. Stay no contact. Try to journal and when you think about your ex try and balance the truth with the idealizing . Anyone dating a BPD knows there were more things going on that wasn't good .

[Bear7111]

Thanks Itstopsnow,

I appreciate what you shared. Especially the thought to balance the idealizing with the reality as that seems to be the real issue besides the pangs of loss and loneliness. You're right, there was more going on than I could have ever known. Im sorry that you went through and probably are still going through similar struggles. I wish you love and luck in recovering. Thanks again for your compassion.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you, it is very hard daily still for me. I constantly feel the need to replay things so I can daily make some sort of "peace" with it all. I feel when I think about all the fun times it was a great loss! But when I add his manipulations, double life, that he truly never stood for anything he claimed to be, add that to his implusive reckless behaviors that have handicapped his life and those who are in it. I realize he wasn't this great guy that loved me. He obviously didn't know how to love. And at the end of the day the endless torment that goes along with one of these relationships isn't worth the pay off of being with them . One day we will feel free of them. I don't believe we will carry this pain. Once we feel unconditional love we won't miss the counterfeit kind ever again