I guess I had a few things to get off my chest.
this is the place to do it
After the silent treatment I've gotten today, I do need someone to talk to. No one else I know really understands. I don't understand.
we understand . its difficult for those that havent been involved to understand.
Then we started writing back and forth and she was funny and engaging. I felt a connection. We wrote constantly. Over Thanksgiving we were even writing back and forth.
Finally we met and she was okay. Conversation flowed easily. I'm not sure how attracted to her I was at first. But then the phone calls that lasted into the early morning hours started. We connected on everything. I loved talking to her.
We went on a second date and she was so distant. I didn't understand where the closeness went. I brought it up a few days later. She said she wasn't sure she could date. Her heart felt tired. Apparently, she had been involved in a push/pull relationship for 5 years with another woman (we are gay). But it seems in that relationship she was the one fearing abandonment while the other woman feared engulfment.
I thought we were over when she said her heart was tired and I didn't contact her anymore. Then she wrote and said she missed me. I let her back in. Big mistake.
i wouldnt call that a mistake
. over 62% of relationships "recycle", that is, give the relationship another shot. its common. what i have learned is that real intimacy is built slowly and over time. thats also hard to establish over the internet, where things are mostly in the honeymoon stage. i met my best friend to this day in sixth grade and i consider him a soulmate. there was an instant connection. but our friendship and closeness was built over many years.
Our relationship grew more insane. She had me on a pedestal. She had me next to God. Everything I did was so perfect. She told her family about me. Showed them my photographs, etc. We continued to talk into the early hours in person and on the phone. One night we talked on the couch for 7 hours and we weren't making out... .that wasn't until later.
She did have some red flags. I thought they were all because she was inexperienced with being gay. She also had been an evangelical Christian but left the church due to the hatred of gays, and... .just about everything. But I thought her need to go slowly and be allowed to open up was due to her past. She had mentioned that her ex should have put a restraining order out on her. I thought she was kidding. Now I wonder. She mentioned another relationship where the person won't talk to her. She talked a lot about going too quickly and then finding she can't sustain it after a few months. I should have paid more attention to those words.
i think most of us reasonably rationalized a lot of the red flags we saw, i wouldnt kick yourself, but learn to trust your gut in the future. youre paying attention now. we werent taught red flags 101 in high school
. when she said she cant sustain "it" after a few months, that was very telling. being put on a pedestal is inherently an unsustainable position, a fantasy. we all do this to an extent, idealize our partners in the honeymoon phase, eventually we find flaws in our partners, we fight, we engage in a power struggle, our partners just plain get on our nerves, but we emerge and grow, able to love them and still recognize that they are imperfect people. all of the above is a tremendous struggle for a pwBPD. a person with BPD tends to struggle with object constancy, a difficulty in seeing their partner as an integrated whole, with loveable qualities, and flaws. feelings are inherently unstable.
She wanted to go slowly and I matched her pace. She did not go slowly. I did everything the way she wanted to since the pace felt fine to me. I didn't ask for exclusivity. I didn't say I love you. I didn't initiate a physical relationship. She did. And quickly.
It did always seem that she was just fitting me into her life. She would stop over when she had time. But she has a big family and they were all in town for the holidays. But when I asked to do something New Year's her initial response was she takes that night to think about her life. Then she changed her mind and wanted to do something but not until after her family gathering, which was odd because I thought she used the night for reflection. We didn't end up doing anything until almost 10:30-11pm. Clearly I wasn't a priority and she was already building walls. Maybe? I'm not sure. Are my expectations off? But that night was magical. We went nordic skiing in the woods and kissed at midnight under the stars and trees.
For the most part everything was fine. I went away to my brother's for a week or so. We talked every night.
When I came back and life started cooling down from the holidays things changed abruptly. The Monday before she went back to work she was saying she loved me, missed me, wanted to be in my arms. Tuesday I didn't hear from her. She knew I was sick. No "How are you?". I texted her with no response. Texted again awhile later to see if everything was okay since her brother has cancer and is in the hospital. She said she was out with friends and forgot her phone. Who forgets their phone these days? I told her I was a little irritated. From there everything fell apart. She couldn't handle the fact that I was angry. I didn't yell. It was text. I just said I'm a little irritated that you were out with friends while I've been sitting here wondering if you're okay or if your brother died. It takes 5 seconds to send a text. To go from texting all day for the previous however many weeks to dead silence and unreturned texts was jarring. Yeah, that's my issue too isn't it?
On Thursday she lit into me about all her reservations about me and the relationship, down to my face. Yes, my face. I have a bit of "resting b___ face". I am not unattractive. I just don't have the happiest face in the world. I'm more intense. But she brought up things from our first date that bothered her. If she had reservations on our first date then why did she continue with me?
the dating world is confusing, and its not as if i speak with much experience. it can be difficult to know where you stand, if youre too hot or too cold, and probably even more confusing when it comes to trying to read your partner. ive driven myself crazy over a few potential girlfriends. on one hand, yes, that is my issue. but ive also come to recognize it as a sign that something is off, and/or there are some legitimate incompatibilities. i dont need my hand held, but consistency goes the furthest in terms of feeling reassured, something we all want. sometimes my expectations are off and need adjusting. sometimes my expectations are perfectly reasonable, and compromising them would be compromising myself and my emotional safety. its a tough balance. i have found that good solid boundaries really help separate where i begin and the other person ends, and when i should accept another persons limits. we have a great article on boundaries here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundariesi dont think either you or i need take the ol "resting face" case seriously
On Friday she came over and we talked some more. Cleared up most issues, I thought. She begged me to come back to her. I did. Like an idiot.
Saturday she asked me to go a museum with her niece. I did. Had a great time. She wrote me after and told me how wonderful it was. Then she wanted to talk. She wanted to talk about taking things more slowly.
What?
You just introduced me to family and you want to go more slowly? I interpreted it as a slow breakup. I didn't handle it well. I was tired of the push/pull. I have my own abandonment fears that I have worked on. I guess I need to work on them some more. But I was not feeling secure in the relationship after hearing about all her doubts previously, even the night before. So to me, she had just expressed doubts and now wants to scale back. Seemed like the beginning of a slow fade to me. She wanted to go on group dates with her friends. She said she is fine when she is alone with someone but how she is with other people will really put the relationship to the test. I was sick of being tested. And it was such bad timing. We had never been on a proper date out by ourselves. It seems to me you date privately and then introduce friends. It seemed odd to me but I'm starting to think I don't know how to date.
again, pretty major conflicting interests. boundaries can be rigid or flexible, and which is which is unique to each person. when it comes to flexible boundaries, established trust and a mutual ability to compromise go a long way. for example, i dont think its a hard and fast rule that you date privately and then introduce friends. some relationships start amidst a group of friends, where perhaps the couple has been close friends for years already. something felt off to you in this case. the issue was less the disagreement, but the total inconsistency, thinking you know where you stand only for her to express wanting to change the terms of the relationship.
as you may know, a person with BPD can swing wildly between the fears of engulfment and abandonment, and with time that swing can become even more wild, back and forth. this results in a lot of the push/pull behavior youre describing. most of us here tended to try to adapt and simply became even more lost and confused in the process.
as for the rest of your story, none of us are professionals and cant diagnose, but i can assure you that many members here (including me) share a lot in common with your story and youve come to the right place. many of us also ask the same question, wondering whether we have BPD traits (some of us do). its a good question to ask, and im glad youre trying to find a therapist and address your issues. the membership here does tend to have a unique set of issues, some members identify with some issues more strongly than others. you are not alone in that regard, and this is a great place to learn about yourself and work on these things, along with a therapist.
youre not a broken person lepus, and you are indeed loveable. by my count, youve displayed courage and psychological integrity both in the presentation of your story and your willingness to, not only look in the mirror, but take healthy steps toward a healthier life. i think you also held true to your values in your decision to walk away. i understand that makes the outcome no less painful. im sorry to hear about all the misfortune over the last three months, thats an awful lot to have to endure and in a short time .
please keep posting lepus, youre in good company
