stalked on the internet

[sadandbroken]

Just curios how some know that they are being stalked by their exBPD on the internet when they have gone no contact?

[JQ]

Hello SB,

I'm curious as to why you ask the question?  Would it make you feel any better to know if they are? As if maybe they still cared or that it all meant something and are missing you?  Would you go back to them if they did? What would you do if you found out they were stalking you in some form or manner?

There are all kinds of things that "Say" you can track or find out if someone is stalking you on FB ... .I don't give much credit to them since they don't work for Mark Z.  I would lock it down and the tab that says, "Only Friends" can see you ... .then tab the "Friends Only" vise "Friends of Friends" ... .this should prevent them from FB sniping you.  I would also block them from seeing you ... .your FB page will come up as a broken link.

Any other social media I would cut ties with ... .block them on  your phone from text & calls ... .then go out to a movie ... .a salad and a glass of water, a burger & a beer ... .go for a walk ... .enjoy the sun ... .the simple things in life ... .but get out of your house and stop thinking about them ... .

J

[shatra]

jQ wrote--

There are all kinds of things that "Say" you can track or find out if someone is stalking you on FB ... .I don't give much credit to them since they don't work for Mark Z.

-----Not so sure I would believe all that is said by FB officials... .they also said out private info isn't sold to 3rd parties---until it was leaked that they actually do, etc. etc.

----What I have seen happen is if someone looks me up on FB, they later may show up as a suggested friend. Also their name may autofill in a FB search I do (even though I have not looked at their profile)

===There may be other ways as well

[JRT]

I created a ruse for her. Even though she had blocked me, unfriended all of my friends and cajoled most of her family and friend to unfriend me, I KNEW that she was stalking me. Frankly, its - in a way - somewhat normal. ... my profile was public at the time and I kept it that way to set the stage for the caper... .she left a lot of really important things here and I figured that they were a hook to contact me in the future... .after 4 months of no contact, I put a trunk for of her things on my FB page indicating that I was getting rid of it and its contents tot he first person who wanted it. It was a really cool steamer trunk and a number of people wanted to claim it immediately... .

The VERY next day the first thing in the morning, her GF IM'd me to make arrangement to come and get it! This was someone who had already unfriended me and, hence, did not see my posts at all nor was she close enough with my ex to have enough knowledge to even know that the trunk belonged to my ex! That was 4 full months after the fact and there are other highly unusual things that have happened on social media and over the phone since that happened. Its almost a year and a half later and she is still checking up on me though SHE was the one that broke up and cut me off.

[JQ]

Group,

My first exBPDgf was from 20 years ago ... .I thought after I joined the military and she was still stalking me I threaten her with the FBI ... .she quietly wormed her way into my mother & sisters life and 18 months ago showed up again via a text ... .my mother or sister will not admit to who gave it to her ... .but at this point it doesn't matter. I've blocked all three of the BPDs.

The fact of the matter is ... .an overwhelming majority of them will continue to stalk, track, "check in" or say hi to a family member or a friend to see what your doing, where you're doing it and with WHOM you're doing it with.

It's part of the mental illness they have ... .they have an immense fear of abandonment and if they somehow keep you around via any card you might of sent ... .text ... .or voicemail ... .your NEVER really gone ... .does the movie Fatal Attraction come to mind for anyone?

JQ

[sadandbroken]

Honestly I asked this question because the longer we have been a part and the more I think of him, it is not in a longing to be with him feeling anymore. He is a actually a bit creepy.I was replaced quickly and I don't think he is one to go back to the ones he discarded but then again I'm not totally sure about that either. I believe I seen him drive by my work but I have had no verbal contact since October.I have him blocked on facebook and have not heard from him thankfully.

[shatra]

JRT----

    There really is no other possibility other than your ex looks at your fbook page---no other explanation would fit with the trunk she left behind.  Also, for those who don't see their ex show up as a suggested friend or autofilled on the search, they sometimes set up a fake second account to look u up without being seen by their name

JQ wrote

It's part of the mental illness they have ... .they have an immense fear of abandonment and if they somehow keep you around via any card you might of sent ... .text ... .or voicemail ... .your NEVER really gone ...

=======Yes, an in addition to looking at facebook profiles, the things you  mentioned are "transitional objects"----mementos of the loved one who is gone, to keep the connection going "as if we aren't gone"... .it eases the pain for them to have an object in place of us, just like a kid holds his teddy bear symbolizing mother

[steelwork]

Sincere question: is it really so weird to look at someone's FB page? My ex doesn't have one, but honestly I'd probably look at it if he did.

I think of stalking as a serious activity that makes someone feel unsafe or harassed. Like showing up where they work or hanging around outside their house. I wonder whether calling this "stalking" doesn't tend to diminish the seriousness of the term.

[JQ]

Group,

Shatra makes a good point & a term I hadn't heard until I dove into this BPD world and told my my therapist. My exBPDgf kept every card I sent her, a teddy bear, a silk rose and a couple of other things.  One of a few times I spent the night with her I saw a couple of teddy bears among other "trophies" and when I asked about it ... .she told me they were from bfs from 20-30 years earlier ... ."transitional objects" ... .

@steelwork, looking at someone's FB page can be called sniping ... .like you're actually looking at them from afar doing recon and or it's called stalking ... .no matter what its called ... .looking at your ex FB page ... .well nothing good will come from that ... .you see something you might want too, feel bad, angry, depressed ... .it's best of you just leave it alone.

In regards to "making some feel unsafe or harassed" ... .there is the legal definition and then it's what each one of us define it as. What I consider making me feel unsafe you might not and vise versa.  I have a permit to carry a personal weapon in part due to my 1st exBPDgf ... .I was told once by a law enforcement buddy of mine that he over heard her say to another woman who had mention she would like to go out with me ... ."If I can't have him ... .no one will".  She had access to a personal weapon and I was advised to go to the class, get the license and get my weapon ... .I did all three ... .not all BPD relationships are that extreme ... .but some can be such in my case.

[steelwork]

In regards to "making some feel unsafe or harassed" ... .there is the legal definition and then it's what each one of us define it as. What I consider making me feel unsafe you might not and vise versa.  I have a permit to carry a personal weapon in part due to my 1st exBPDgf ... .I was told once by a law enforcement buddy of mine that he over heard her say to another woman who had mention she would like to go out with me ... ."If I can't have him ... .no one will".  She had access to a personal weapon and I was advised to go to the class, get the license and get my weapon ... .I did all three ... .not all BPD relationships are that extreme ... .but some can be such in my case.

But has anyone, for instance, ever obtained a PPO that keeps someone from looking them up on social media? And really, does it make anyone feel unsafe in the way that actual stalking dies? You see what I'm saying--speaking as someone who actually HAS been stalked, it's quite a different thing.

[GreenEyedMonster]

A PPO is meant to prevent physical or psychological harm -- that's why you have to prove that one of these things is happening or imminent in order to get one (at least in my state).  My ex thinks you can get a PPO because someone is just annoying you or you don't want to talk to them.  That is not true.  In my state, the legal threshold for a PPO is "harassment," which has a very specific legal definition.  The contact HAS to be causing the other person psychological distress, possibly causing them to seek therapy, at MINIMUM.  My ex would have a heck of a time convincing a judge that me saying "Nice to see you last night!" on a message board caused him this degree of distress.  Since being stalked without your knowledge cannot possibly cause you psychological distress, I don't think it would be grounds for a PPO.  The individual would have to do something with that information -- like showing up where you are in a menacing manner -- to have legal problems.  But that said, I am not a lawyer.  My ex tried to claim that me looking up his e-mail address online is grounds for getting a PPO.  Nope, sorry, it's not.  Nor is the e-mail I sent him suggesting that we bury the hatchet and try to get along.

I often mention that I know that my ex is checking on me.  Yes, I do, and how often.  He has me totally blocked on Facebook, so it is NOT Facebook I am talking about.  It is on another social media site where my group of friends have a special board for planning events.  I don't want to disclose what or where it is here because I feel it is too personally identifying.  This website keeps a log of who has visited the board and when.  My ex seems blissfully unaware that this log is posted, as are most people who use the site.