Father-In-Law passes suddenly. Visiting uBPDw in Different State for Funeral

[Dobzhansky]

Hey -  Looking for advice/thoughts about flying w 19-year old daughter to uBPDw's home (in neighboring state) to attend father-in-law funeral.  He was diagnosed w aggressive cancer and died 4 weeks after diagnosis.

Passive-aggressive snarky side comments are the norm for this family when they are emotionally upset w someone.  I am thinking about clarifying boundaries about keeping things superficial with regard to our personal family situation - we are there to honor/say good by to grandpa, not engage in therapy.

Budget is limited.  We plan on a rental car, but staying in uBPDw rented house.  uBPDw has a mother-in-law suite in rented home.  Daughter and I will stay there.  uBPDw will be on lower floor in her bedroom.

Only staying for night before funeral and night of funeral.  Flying out following evening.

Another issue is uBPDw's failure to share true state of her and my relationship (she requested dissolution when I let her know about my attending eldest daughter's wedding).

I asked uBPDw if she had told her family she said no.  She assumes they have made suppositions.  Do I tell truth to family if asked or let things happen and uBPDw handle it?  Part of me is concerned her family is unaware.  Having them involved is likely very dangerous, but here is a 30 yr relationship going down tubes.  Would her natal family want to know to render help?  We have had no outside support thus far.

Thanks, all.  You rock!

I have shared w uBPDw my concerns w failure to manage emotions well.  She has promised to be "good".

[Panda39]

I have shared w uBPDw my concerns w failure to manage emotions well.  She has promised to be "good".

I would be leery about her being "good".  My SO's uBPDxw began her downward spiral with the death of her mother.  Remember fear of abandonment is basic to BPD.  Death is the ultimate abandonment.  Don't count on your wife being "good".

You might want to have a back up plan in terms of somewhere else to stay just in case. 

Sorry to sound like Debbie Downer... .I would be cautious.

Panda39