Trying to understand my mom better, and improve my own well-being

[CuriousK]

After struggling alongside my father, brother and sister for years with turbulent family dynamics - I finally got help from a counselor three years ago.  I thought I was going to help myself, but I started to see a lot of my issues were closely related to my relationship with my mother, and how struggles with her had changed how I interacted with others, dealt with challenge and trauma, and thought of myself.  My counselor suggested that she might have BPD... .three years later I was finally ready to read more about it, and educate myself more.  So, here I am.

I am 32 years old and six weeks away from welcoming my first child into the world.  I want desperately to not feel beholden to my mom, and to not let her make me feel so bad so often.  I can go into a conversation with all the conviction in the world that I won't let her make me feel guilty about things I haven't done, or that I won't feel bad if I remain authentic to myself in my opinions and decisions when they differ from hers and she accosts me for that... .but inevitably, every time, I feel angry, cornered, hurt and exasperated.  Logically, I know that only I can relieve myself of these feelings, and I want to learn how.  On a heart level, I still don't understand how she can't be held accountable, too - but I know I need to work on being open minded and steering my heart away from this manner of thinking.  I also don't want to become her with my own children, and I am fearful that if I don't educate myself and have hard conversations now, I will revert to the same destructive behavioral patterns I saw growing up.

I'm looking forward to this support group and what I can learn from others.

[Turkish]

Hello CuriousK,



Congratulations on your new baby, that's exciting 

It's totally understandable to have doubts, perhaps, about what kind of parents we will be to our children, having grown up with disordered parents. Where there is courage, hope follows, and you're showing a great amount of courage by reaching out to others for support. 

We learn here that no one is resoonsiblevfor our feelings, and we usually comment about this regarding our BPD loved (or not-so-loved ones). Growing up with a BPD parent, we were made to feel responsible for the feelings of our parents because of their lack of self-worth, among other things.

So let's start small and build from there. If you take a look at the Survivor's Guide to the right if this board, where would you say that you were at?

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

On a heart level, I still don't understand how she can't be held accountable, too - but I know I need to work on being open minded and steering my heart away from this manner of thinking.  I also don't want to become her with my own children, and I am fearful that if I don't educate myself and have hard conversations now, I will revert to the same destructive behavioral patterns I saw growing up.

I'm looking forward to this support group and what I can learn from others.

Hi CuriousK

So sorry to hear about the anguish your mother has caused, but you’ve come to the right place to discuss that, as most of us had a BPD parent and they’re surprisingly predictable in their behaviour. So as odd  as BPD behaviour is to the outside world, within this forum it’s very familiar to the bpdfamily. So feel free to discuss whatever you feel comfortable with sharing.

Your point about the accountability of the BPD behaviour is a hard one to square, but the best explanation I’ve read is we learn by making mistakes, if you can’t accept the blame then you can’t learn. Hence a BPD is wilfully imprisoning themselves to live their turmoil for ever. We may have been discourage from learning about BPD stuff (my BPD certainly hated science getting in her way) but the fact you’ve made it to this forum and a Therapist is a great achievement, and the beginning of your healing process. Because as we’re not BPD we can learn, improve and live happier lives.

This website has many techniques and articles to help you lose the guilt and shame you point out your BPD has expertly and unfairly place upon you. As you’ve picked up, knowing you should have no shame, isn’t enough. Your Therapist no doubt can help with that whilst this website can hopefully give you moral support, validation and a supplementary boost. Welcome to the forum, I look forward to hearing more from you.

HC