I'm a Hot Mess

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Kind of... .cooling off... .trying to find reality... .

I last posted about my BPD/NPD boyfriend decided after over four years he was ready to commit, move in with me, and marry. This just happened to coincide with him running out of money after being unemployed for several years.

I decided it was not a good idea, after so much good feedback. And since then we have been in a maelstrom. I realize part of this is my own making.

I have a very hard time setting limits with my boyfriend, or communicating my honest feelings. I think I did okay in our original conversation. I told him it wasn't right for us now, etc. He knew what it was. He said he guessed he would have to find a job. Of course, he makes no effort to do so. I made mistakes after this, including getting unregulated myself at his seeming oblivious attitude.

I realize now I really struggle with leaving things in his hands. Why? Because I think they won't get done. He repeatedly asks me to tell him what to do. For over four years I have told him what I need. It never happens. Even now, with his own consequences pressing against his back, it still doesn't happen. And I am afraid for him. That's the honest truth, please don't flame me.

I am afraid for him and afraid for me. Once my counselor asked me why, despite my lifelong commitment to my foster and adoptive children, I did not pick men who were good daddy material. I didn't have an answer for her but I am thinking a lot about it now.

Right now he is still living at his place, and we are seeing each other less and less. I really don't like going over to his place. Honestly it feels like a bootie call, and I am worth much more. I don't like him coming over here, since he is so clearly uncomfortable and unhappy. In my house he is very persnickety and irritable. He does this thing where he tells me he wants to come and help out and do chores, and the next thing I know we are walking on eggshells because he hates the way I do things. Granted, I am not miss perfect housekeeper, and I don't want to be. I'd rather a house of loving, happy kids. Who cares if I leave a lint ball on the dryer? I can see now how he perseverates on these things... .attempts to control his environment. It is so sad. He is surrounded by foster kids dying for a daddy figure and he has to get all anxious about dryer lint.

So he isn't moving in. And I'm not into "visiting" him. Or having him here. That leaves casual dating, maybe a dinner out here and there.

That isn't what I wanted in a relationship. I am not wanting to be sexually intimate in that scene either. Yet I feel he has closed every other door by his actions.

I wish so often I didn't care about this man. I feel myself falling out of love with him just a bit and this is terrible, I am relieved. I made the mistake of telling him I am falling out of love with him (bad idea). Now he is moping and giving me the silent treatment. I realize this is all probably deep frightening to him but what I can I do?

I am just so deeply sad, for both of us. I am posting here because the relationship is still ongoing. But if I could wave a magic wand that would make me fall out of love... .I would.

[HurtinNW]

Kind of... .cooling off... .trying to find reality... .

I last posted about my BPD/NPD boyfriend decided after over four years he was ready to commit, move in with me, and marry. This just happened to coincide with him running out of money after being unemployed for several years.

I decided it was not a good idea, after so much good feedback. And since then we have been in a maelstrom. I realize part of this is my own making.

I have a very hard time setting limits with my boyfriend, or communicating my honest feelings. I think I did okay in our original conversation. I told him it wasn't right for us now, etc. He knew what it was. He said he guessed he would have to find a job. Of course, he makes no effort to do so. I made mistakes after this, including getting unregulated myself at his seeming oblivious attitude.

I realize now I really struggle with leaving things in his hands. Why? Because I think they won't get done. He repeatedly asks me to tell him what to do. For over four years I have told him what I need. It never happens. Even now, with his own consequences pressing against his back, it still doesn't happen. And I am afraid for him. That's the honest truth, please don't flame me.

I am afraid for him and afraid for me. Once my counselor asked me why, despite my lifelong commitment to my foster and adoptive children, I did not pick men who were good daddy material. I didn't have an answer for her but I am thinking a lot about it now.

Right now he is still living at his place, and we are seeing each other less and less. I really don't like going over to his place. Honestly it feels like a bootie call, and I am worth much more. I don't like him coming over here, since he is so clearly uncomfortable and unhappy. In my house he is very persnickety and irritable. He does this thing where he tells me he wants to come and help out and do chores, and the next thing I know we are walking on eggshells because he hates the way I do things. Granted, I am not miss perfect housekeeper, and I don't want to be. I'd rather a house of loving, happy kids. Who cares if I leave a lint ball on the dryer? I can see now how he perseverates on these things... .attempts to control his environment. It is so sad. He is surrounded by foster kids dying for a daddy figure and he has to get all anxious about dryer lint.

So he isn't moving in. And I'm not into "visiting" him. Or having him here. That leaves casual dating, maybe a dinner out here and there.

That isn't what I wanted in a relationship. I am not wanting to be sexually intimate in that scene either. Yet I feel he has closed every other door by his actions.

I wish so often I didn't care about this man. I feel myself falling out of love with him just a bit and this is terrible, I am relieved. I made the mistake of telling him I am falling out of love with him (bad idea). Now he is moping and giving me the silent treatment. I realize this is all probably deep frightening to him but what I can I do?

I am just so deeply sad, for both of us. I am posting here because the relationship is still ongoing. But if I could wave a magic wand that would make me fall out of love... .I would.

[Cat Familiar]

I think you are seeing the relationship for what it is, rather than what you hoped it would be.

There's so much wishful thinking when nons get together with pwBPD. I certainly have done that myself in both of my marriages.

But there comes a time that you just have to look at the cold hard facts.

You've known this guy for several years and what you see is what you get. Life is short, even if we live four score and seven. Is this really the person you want to share your journey?

To answer that question myself, it took me way too long to get real about my first husband and say, without a doubt, absolutely no f*n way. It was embarrassing after all the time I had put into that relationship, but that was the truth and once I realized that, I've never, not for a moment regretted my decision.

With my current husband, there are a lot of positives and I really do care for him, it's just that he can be irritating as all get out at times. I'm sure that I can be equally bothersome to him too. But so far, it works most of the time and I hope that I can make things even better.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you Cat

You asked if this is the person I want to share my journey with. For so long, yes. Even now he is the only one I can picture by my side. There is a lot special about him, to me. I cannot picture anyone else in that role.

There was something in a recent thread by FF that really hit me. That was that the kids don't often see the good moments. The moments of closeness, or lovemaking. I had to think, what did my kids see of this relationship? That was sobering.

I am not at the point of realizing what you did about your first husband. I am close to 50, though I look much younger. I've had two major relationships. This feels like a real failure to me.

Though I must say, the more time I spend on my own, the more the benefits I see... .

[Lucky Jim]

So he isn't moving in. And I'm not into "visiting" him. Or having him here. That leaves casual dating, maybe a dinner out here and there.

I feel myself falling out of love with him just a bit and this is terrible, I am relieved.

Hey HurtinNW, I have no problem with anything you're saying, which seems honest and authentic to me.  As much as you care about his guy, you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult.  In my view, it's extremely difficult to sustain love in a BPD r/s, due to all the abuse and turmoil.  I'm not blaming the pwBPD, because he/she has a terrible disorder.  Nevertheless, love ebbs in a BPD r/s as time marches on.  I should know, having been married to my BPDxW for 16 years.

LuckyJim