Feel like i'm dying

[christoff522]

Many of you will have read my thread the other day.

We're not speaking at the moment. I told her yesterday I love her, but she told me I couldn't say that.

I've been so depressed since Sunday, it's like seeing her, being with her, kissing her etc, and knowing what happened to her really traumatised me.

Anyway I went all white-knight and Mr protector on her. I wanted to be the strong one. But when I said I love you at the end of a text, her reaction drove me over the edge. I don't even know in what context she said it. At the time it felt like she was saying that because she didn't love me. But from how she replied later during our "falling out", and looking back, it seems as thought it may be because it puts her in emotional conflict because she has feelings for me too.

Anyway, she's gone completely quiet, last night I deleted her from fb and said I had had enough and wouldn't speak to her anymore. She's the only person who gets to me like this. I love her more than anything, and feeling as though I can't even say that to her just drove me wild. Now she's turned her phone off for two days apparently. So i've sent her a couple of texts today telling her that I won't speak to her for a week, and that I've re-requested her on fb and not to cancel, just to accept when she's ready. I'm trying to give her space. A BPD needs that more than anything - I understand that.

I know this isn't over, it never will be - at least not until i get a girlfriend or something and am able to move on. We're always gonna be in each others lives, so I don't know what I'm freaking out about. I mean if I can spend 2 hours with her and we're kissing and holding each other for dear life... why the hell do I get like this?

I know almost everything there is to know about borderline personality disorder. I know about object constancy, I know that simply by being in her life for a length of time I become more important to her than any "just for now" relationship she's in. I know that eventually we will be in a relationship, I know that i just need to live my life (something I was doing rather well with until Saturday) and have a sense of detachment about the whole situation. She needs that from me too. I hate becoming a clingy little child. But right now I can't help it. I just needed to vent. Do other people get like this? I'd love to read your stories. Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Indyan]

Hi,

try to calm down, breathe in, relax.

There's no urgency, especially that BPDs have another perception of passing time.

The more you'll go after her, the more she'll push you away. On the contrary, you should learn to live for yourself. They hate clingers, it makes them suffocate.

Stay yourself. You've told her you love her, that's enough, don't become a parrot. Especially if you tell her your love in hope of feedback... .

pwPBD are ery good at pinning down our own weaknesses... .work on them, be strong.

Good luck.

[Haye]

Do other people get like this? I'd love to read your stories. Thank you.

Well, yes.  I didn't like the person I started to become when my dBPD SO entered my life relationshipwise. It was heavy. I've never been prone to jealousy, for example, but there I was feeling upset, worried, threatened by pretty much any new (or old) woman in his life (okey, he gave me plenty of reason, too). I felt terrible since i felt that a part of him loved me deeply, so how could he just walk out on me, all cold, like the love we had just felt never existed. It was horrible, truly. It felt so... .unreal. To have someone emotionally so close, and then have them all of sudden tell you that they found a brand new love and the love I insist had been between us wasn't real. Cold, harsh and driving me crazy trying to make sense all of it (trying to make sense to an undiagnosed badly dysregulated BPD's actions... .Well there is no sense, i now know.)

Eventually i realized that even though i might be able to somehow survive the constant recycling I need to stay out of the emotional mess for my kids' sake. it was taking it's toll on me, that roller-coaster. Then, once we where in a spot where he had just found a new girl, was planning moving in with her etc I ended the relationship from my side as well. I also pointed to him there are things in his behaviour I feel he should work on, not to destroy that new girl as well. Right then he didn't agree, but a bit later things changed.


... .I second Indyan. Learn to live for yourself, learn to love yourself. Concentrate on your own well-being. YOu cannot make her come back and no matter how much you know about BPD you cannot know how somebody's mind and ability to love works. Working on your own weakness is beneficial to you.

[Lucky One]

Truly so sorry, to hear what you are going through. A living Hell!

Just like ALL of us:

You need to take better care of yourself. Make yourself No.1

Love yourself. Be Kind to yourself. Be Generous in forgiving yourself.

Make NEW plans and take NEW steps to make your own life easier and happier.

Then ask the question, we ALL need to ask ourselves:

Do I really need this in MY LIFE? - Forever? 

[christoff522]

Thank you all. I agree I need to work on myself, build my self-esteem, become self-sufficient emotionally. Not only will it allow me to deal better with the situation currently, it'll allow me to detach more from her in a relationship, allow her to build respect and love me in her own way.

The concept I failed to recognise and acknowledge is that she feels that love is pain. She told me Saturday, she's told me a million times before, and I ignored it. From my own POV I projected the love is good feelings idea onto her and she couldn't deal with it. The best I can ever hope for from her is deep, deep attachment. I'll be more like daddy to her than anything else. Sure, it'll have all the other relationship things, sex, kissing, hugging, in fact in many ways it'll be more intense and powerful than a normal relationship. But to acknowledge it as 'love' is a real no no.

It saddens me to think that way. I felt so bad yesterday, guilty because it's like I've selfishly abandoned her in her moment of need. But again I'm projecting what I expect her to want upon her. SHE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. I'm giving her what she wants right now. If she truly was raped (which drives me crazy just thinking about it) then she wants to be left to process it and deal with it.

Like Indyan said, theres no urgency, I fear that she won't come back to me, in fact it irrationally terrifies me. I feel like my being weak and saying I love you, and being angry at her for telling me off (even though I understand why she said that now - and it had nothing to do with her having a 'bf' might push her away forever. We've had so many arguments, so many rows... and theres so little to hold us together. But I will take Indyan's words to heart, along with the words of Rick Reynolds "If you're worried she won't come back, trust me... she will".

For now I'm just gonna enjoy myself, chat up girls on the till at work  , go clubbing, rock out!

I'll continue my alpha male stuff, internalize self-esteem and self confidence, read "the book of pook". Maybe even hit the gym! Smash on fake tan, get some new clothes etc.

I'll try, as hard as I can to just forget about her, theres only so much a guy can take ya'know?

If she comes back, then I'll take it from there. But honestly (you can check my posts) I was moving on, I had her as a friend on facebook, sometimes I wouldn't even speak to her for a week! I was in control. Then she calls me up asking for help, I meet her, we kiss - I lose myself.

It's amazing what no contact does, it's like gradually I become myself again, I get my strength back.

Thank you all so much for your kind, wise words.

[christoff522]

She's just accepted my friend request on facebook.

[divina]

She's just accepted my friend request on facebook.

What was the outcome of all of this?