Thank you all. I agree I need to work on myself, build my self-esteem, become self-sufficient emotionally. Not only will it allow me to deal better with the situation currently, it'll allow me to detach more from her in a relationship, allow her to build respect and
love me in her own way.
The concept I failed to recognise and acknowledge is that she feels that love is pain. She told me Saturday, she's told me a million times before, and I ignored it. From my own POV I projected the love is good feelings idea onto her and she couldn't deal with it. The best I can ever hope for from her is deep, deep attachment. I'll be more like daddy to her than anything else. Sure, it'll have all the other relationship things, sex, kissing, hugging, in fact in many ways it'll be more intense and powerful than a normal relationship. But to acknowledge it as 'love' is a real no no.
It saddens me to think that way. I felt so bad yesterday, guilty because it's like I've selfishly abandoned her in her moment of need. But again I'm projecting what I expect her to want upon her. SHE WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE. I'm giving her what she wants right now. If she truly was raped (which drives me crazy just thinking about it) then she wants to be left to process it and deal with it.
Like Indyan said, theres no urgency, I fear that she won't come back to me, in fact it
irrationally terrifies me. I feel like my being weak and saying I love you, and being angry at her for telling me off (even though I understand why she said that now - and it had nothing to do with her having a 'bf' might push her away forever. We've had so many arguments, so many rows... and theres so little to hold us together. But I will take Indyan's words to heart, along with the words of Rick Reynolds "If you're worried she won't come back, trust me... she will".
For now I'm just gonna enjoy myself, chat up girls on the till at work , go clubbing, rock out!
I'll continue my alpha male stuff, internalize self-esteem and self confidence, read "the book of pook". Maybe even hit the gym! Smash on fake tan, get some new clothes etc.
I'll try, as hard as I can to just forget about her, theres only so much a guy can take ya'know?
If she comes back, then I'll take it from there. But honestly (you can check my posts) I was moving on, I had her as a friend on facebook, sometimes I wouldn't even speak to her for a week! I was in control. Then she calls me up asking for help, I meet her, we kiss - I lose myself.
It's amazing what no contact does, it's like gradually I become myself again, I get my strength back.
Thank you all so much for your kind, wise words.
