"No one is able to love like I do"

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is a statement that my exGF knew to say when she was impulsive and under the strong influence of BPD moments.

I think a lot about it lately.

I think it is true. (wait, don't jump right away!  ) I think that they are able to give unconditional love in some moments, like the love of child towards the parent, or vice versa.

And I believe this is a drug that keeps us wanting them back... .You know that it is bad in the full scope of the relationship, but many of us yearn for that love (we all need to determine for each of us why is this a case).

So, like I said, I think it is true... .But also wrong for two reasons:

1.) Relationship love shouldn't be unconditional. It is impossible in a healthy way.

2.) Those moments don't last (which brings us back to Reason #1), and it is an illusion to build a relationship under this precondition.

What do you think?

[blackbirdsong]

This is a statement that my exGF knew to say when she was impulsive and under the strong influence of BPD moments.

I think a lot about it lately.

I think it is true. (wait, don't jump right away!  ) I think that they are able to give unconditional love in some moments, like the love of child towards the parent, or vice versa.

And I believe this is a drug that keeps us wanting them back... .You know that it is bad in the full scope of the relationship, but many of us yearn for that love (we all need to determine for each of us why is this a case).

So, like I said, I think it is true... .But also wrong for two reasons:

1.) Relationship love shouldn't be unconditional. It is impossible in a healthy way.

2.) Those moments don't last (which brings us back to Reason #1), and it is an illusion to build a relationship under this precondition.

What do you think?

[Learning_curve74]

I agree there is some truth in what you wrote, bbs. The way a BPD expresses and feels their emotions is often intense in an all or nothing way. Who doesn't like being put on a pedestal by a worshipping admirer? You know what they say about putting somebody on a pedestal though... .

In my way of thinking, I don't believe one has to have a mental illness to love unconditionally. The love can be unconditional but the relationship cannot. Some people are only healthy to love from a distance.

[steelwork]

I had the "pedestal" talk with him a few times, trying to reel him in.

Then I told myself, "There are worse things than being on a pedestal."

Little did I know!

On the other hand, maybe we need to take those pedestal moments and keep them on hand for when we're feeling our lowest. They were not lies. They were rare moments when someone saw only the best of us--the way a parent might see a child, as you say. Can we internalize those moments, separate them from their painful source, and believe in ourselves?

[zeus123]

A Borderline will say all the right words to make you absolutely believe they "love" U, but after you respond in kind. your goose is cooked. A BPD confuse painful longing & yearning for love, with the emotion itself. It's when you SATISFY their cravnig, they drop ya.

[steelwork]

A Borderline will say all the right words to make you absolutely believe they "love" U, but after you respond in kind. your goose is cooked.

That sounds like a sociopath!

[cosmonaut]

I strongly disagree with the idea that healthy love isn't unconditional love.  Unconditional love is the truest love.  Indeed, it may be the only genuine love.  Words like sacrifice, selflessness, enduring, and forgiving have become divorced from the modern concept of "love", but they were once understood to be at the very foundation of love.  I am convinced that the modern concept of love is exceedingly destructive.  We live in an age of 50% of marriages ending in divorce.  Clearly we have a deep misunderstanding of what genuine love is.  Love in today's word has been become synonymous with sexual gratification and transient, superficial emotions.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  This hardly strikes me as healthy.

[steelwork]

I strongly disagree with the idea that healthy love isn't unconditional love.  Unconditional love is the truest love.  Indeed, it may be the only genuine love.  Words like sacrifice, selflessness, enduring, and forgiving have become divorced from the modern concept of "love", but they were once understood to be at the very foundation of love.  I am convinced that the modern concept of love is exceedingly destructive.  We live in an age of 50% of marriages ending in divorce.  Clearly we have a deep misunderstanding of what genuine love is.  Love in today's word has been become synonymous with sexual gratification and transient, superficial emotions.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  This hardly strikes me as healthy.

My ex husband and I still love each other very much. I just spent the day with him yesterday. We often lean on each other in times of stress. He has been one of my strongest supporters throughout this year+ ordeal.

It's not romantic love anymore. That was conditional, I guess. We could not live together anymore, because he was using a lot of drugs, going through periods of extreme paranoia about me, holding me back in my life in various ways. I don't think unconditional love would have been healthy.

On the other hand, my mother--who should love me unconditionally--can't. Because she is a narcissist. (Also, a vulcan.)

[tryingsome]

Unconditional love is a farce. It is the doorway to codependency.

Think about all the unconditional love types (pet-to-owner, child-to-parent).

In all cases unconditional love is a one-sided equation.

This is true with a relationship with someone suffering from BPD.

We can say we can you love for all the ways are with us, through your happiness and anger, through your pleasing and mistreatment, etc.

But in the end, the BPD can't reciprocate, it is one sided.  A pwBPD will rarely put your feelings first.

How could that be unconditional? A pwBPD strives for a partner who will give them unconditional love, but they can't return it.

Unconditional love is a giver's mentality. There is usually a taker on the other end.

The ideas of respect, compassion, and kindness are paramount to lasting love.

First you must have those qualities concerning your own self.

You have to cherish your well being before you can give to others. This is the 'condition' for love.

[blackbirdsong]

Based on the sources that I investigated, unconditional love can exist.

The love that mother will express to her children is unconditional love (if we consider the fact that the mother is a healthy one, it is good to stress this out on this forum ).

Even the father's love is not an unconditional, it is conditional.

This is actually a good thing... .The healthy way of upbringing. On one side you have a firm backing in mother image ("no matter what you do, I will love you" and on the other side you have conditional love from father's side (of course, it is much higher level of love comparing to most of the other conditional loves you will receive in your life).

But I still think that there are bliss's of this unconditional love in BPD relationship from BPD persons. Those short moments when they are convinced that they are loved in a way that they expect to be loved (that doesn't even need to be a case, only their image is important) - then they lower their shields and this is the stage when we establish our "addiction".

But again, we also need to investigate why do we seek also for this type of love... .This is important question on our healing path... .     

[tryingsome]

I agree, unconditional love can exist, but it is always one-sided. (pet/owner or child/parent).

A child loves his parent conditionally.

Unconditional love can NOT exist between two adults.

There are always conditions on how you must be treated by the other person to keep the relationship stable.

[blackbirdsong]

Unconditional love can NOT exist between two adults.

There are always conditions on how you must be treated by the other person to keep the relationship stable.

I agree. Based on my current understanding and feelings... .:D

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

Personally, I don't think anyone actually loves unconditionally in a consistent manner, not even the healthiest individuals or the best ever parents. We are all flawed in some way or other. How can we seriously imagine that any of us loves perfectly? To me, only God loves unconditionally, the rest of us negotiate our relationships, get triggered and annoy each other and have to find forgiveness. We all have a past, we all have needs, desires and expectations and I don't think there's a single person on the planet who would continue to stay and 'love' the other in the face of not having even a single one of these met (rather than leave with 'love' and find someone else) saving perhaps the Mother Theresas of this world, but she set aside passionate relationships so she can love from a position of detachment.

I guess it all hinges on what 'love' actually is... .does anyone know? It seems to me that a lot of things pass as 'love' that likely have nothing to do with it.

Love Lifewriter

[zeus123]

if someone's truly empathetic(they can RELATE to your needs, your pain and your experiences and see an upset thru Your eyes) they're not BPD.

[apollotech]

Love may be granted unconditionally, but I don't think acceptance is granted unconditionally in any relationship, including parent/child relationships.

[SybilVane]

Regarding unconditional love, I guess all borderline  love is very, very conditional. It always depends from validation.They only love those who satisfy them, those who can make sacrifices for them, those who can support all the insults, all the humilliation, those who are always available to incense them, to make them more confident. Once the magic is broken, once they *know* you simply can't believe them anymore, or you can't believe anymore they are really *that special*, once they realize you took them away from their pedestal, and THEY will never be idealized again, they don't care about you... .Since they reach the point they can't charm you anymore, c'est fini.

I mean: when they realize they can't pretend for us anymore, they just move on.

In my case,I guess  my ex realized  I could not validate his narcissist needs anymore - I broke up since 45 days and he never tried to contact me back. He simply has nothing to say, I guess... .