longterm NC questions

[bubblegirl]

I have been NC with my uBPD SIL for over a year, and it's been the calmest, most drama-free year in ages. I don't think we'll ever have contact again because my brother and SIL won't split up and I am completely done with having to deal with her in my life. A couple things have come up though, and I'd love to talk with some of you about it.

1) Grief. I've really been struggling with how to grieve about the loss of a relationship with my brother. It feels to me kind of like he died the day I decided to go NC. But it's not a real death, because I still hear about him through our family and I'm still so angry that he's putting his kids & our whole family through this by staying with her and refusing to get her help. He buys into her delusions. Some days I wonder if it would be easier if she died, and then I am wracked with guilt. I can't seem to get past the anger to really mourn, and I think it's because it's not final. He continues to stay in the marriage, so I continue to feel anger. I can't truly be at peace with it, because I know his kids are exposed to her.

2) Family. I have family members who sometimes mention to me SIL's weird problems (that she always creates in her life). They're looking for some support I think, and sometimes a reality check because she pulls them in with gaslighting, so her problems seem somehow normal, or make you feel bad because she's such a martyr. I like giving them support and helping them remember that she's in a different reality than we are, but I end up feeling bad and conflicted later by just thinking about them and the grief stuff. I don't know if I should put a boundary on family not to talk to me about them.

I would love to hear other people's advice and experience with this stuff in long term NC.

[Please help]

SIL may and probably has turned some of your family against you. Always prepare for rage and smear campaigns. Even accusations of you committing heinous crimes.

Some of your family may have difficulty understanding mental illness and believe everyone is good natured. It's a painful process being NC. You will have a sense of loss, guilt and other emotions.

The only thing you can control in your life is your own well-being. If you need to remain NC from everyone to maintain it, then that is how it has to be. It's better to be lonely and content than to have a bunch of crazies in your life. I have seen BPD's wreak havoc on normal families as they are not prepared for PD's. Everyone splits up and they manage to recruit a few who either feel bad for them or maybe like chaos. It's really sad.

That is why we should all be grateful for good in-laws who cause no problems.

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear you have had to go NC with your SIL & Bro. I’ve been NC for over 2 years with my Bro.

1) Grief: The grieving someone when there’s a glimmer of hope conundrum is a tough one. I had no hope with my NPD bro as he was so violent and NC was the only way to protect my family. I still had to grieve him, because I was holding onto the hope I would have a proper brother one day. Not so. But in your case, maybe it’s that glimmer of hope, stopping you grieving in full ? I was told to burn all reminders of him and burry it, as if it was his funeral. And read out an epitath, which worked for me. However in your case, is the glimmer of hope a bad thing ? I’m guessing your SIL isn’t violent or a serious danger ?

2) Family: There are techniques on this website that can help you deal with someone with BPD. To lessen the load. I have recently got back with my BPD mother, and although she’s still a pain in the backside, it doesn’t bother me as much. But someone with BPD will control the imeadiate family, they’re are excellent at this. With a view to setting a boundary in your Family, I guess that’s down to your family. Its hard to tell kids not to speak about family members. But I would consider the tools needed to deal with SIL, if you do the no emotion, no interest, no reaction, monosyllabic tone of speech,  a BPD normally ignores you (if only I could master this).