How do I break no contact

[alc]

Havent talked to my GF of almost three years in 30 days as of today.  She exhibits lots of BPD and histrionic traits tand I had had enough 30 days ago.  Havent had any contact with her although I believe that she has tried to reach out to me through a post on facebook and a message to a friend.  I don't want to not talk to her and I miss her and her daughter very much but I cant continue the way things were.  I want her to go back to therapy and set some boundries and goals and work on getting better.  I want to let her know I love her and miss her and I haven't abandoned her but I don't want to go crawling back and give her control like in the past.  how do I break no contact or should I wait it out and let her contact me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello alc,

Sounds like things have been tough for you emotionally during this period of NC. I can also hear the relationship has been up and down for a while, which resulted in you reaching this point.

It seems like there are two strands to what you want; to get back in contact with your gf and perhaps work toward improving the relationship, and for your gf, you want her to get help.

The first one is something we can help you with here and the second is something that many of us here want for our SO's but often times realise that what we want for another person might not be what they want for themselves.

Does your gf acknowledge that there are problems that she might benefit from getting help with? Does she have a T?

What would you like by way of contact at this point, what would work for you and how you are feeling today? Do you want to get back together?

Here is a link to read before perhaps you make a decision.

Come back and let us know what you think.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[alc]

My gf does aknowledge that she has a problem and that she could benefit from therapy but she says she wont go. We were going to therapy together then she went alone a few times and then she stopped going.  I have been to her therapist two times since no contact and im going back to see her tomorrow.  not sure if my gf has been going also because the therapist cannot tell me.  I would like for her to contact me but at this point im not sure if that's going to happen.  she posted a pic on fb that im almost certain was intended to get my attention. then she messaged a friend and im positive that was an attempt to reach out to me, in some way or another.  I wanted her to see how her life would be without me in it.  it seemed like manipulation on my part but I had no other options.  I cant continue on the way things were going before.  how do I contact her or get her to contact me and still not turn over complete control to her?  also, she has a nine year old daughter that I have become very attached to and I haven't been in contact with her either.  don't want the daughter to think I abandoned her.

[cosmonaut]

I think the first thing to consider before any attempt at contact is made is to consider whether this is the right relationship for you.  There are a few things I noticed in what you've written that seem like red flags that this may not be.  There's nothing wrong with deciding that this isn't the relationship for you, but it is something to reflect upon.  Relationships involving a pwBPD require a great deal of acceptance and commitment.  They are not easy and they will require that we do some significant changing ourselves.

Basing saving the relationship on a partner getting treatment isn't going to work.  If that's a condition, I don't believe the relationship has a chance.  Therapy is something that our partner has to choose for themselves.  It is something they have every right to maintain control over and to pursue in their own way at their own pace.  We have absolutely no right to be making demands in this regard.  If we are truly honest with ourselves we'll realize that such conditions really have nothing to do with the welfare of our partner anyway, and everything to do with our impossible demand that our partner not have BPD.  That is our fantasy, wishful thinking and that's on us.  If we are going to be with a partner with BPD, we have to accept we are with a partner with BPD.  It can't work any other way.  This is not an easy thing to do, of course, but it is necessary.  I would advise allowing her to go if you will only continue the relationship if she is in therapy.  It is only going to prolong the suffering for both of you otherwise.

Also, it sounds like you may be using no contact for the wrong reasons.  No contact is about us.  It isn't about our partner.  If we are hoping to show our partner what life is like without us, we are playing a losing game.  We are realizing our partner's worst, most profound fears and attempting to use those against our partner to manipulate them into returning to the relationship.  This may or may not work initially (and there is a very good chance it won't) in drawing our partner back, but it almost never works in forming a lasting reunion.  The lingering resentments and fears from that abandonment are very hard to repair once they have set in.  No contact should only be used for detaching.  No contact is about helping us to detach.

I would give those points some serious thought.  The do's and don't of a BPD relationship that sweetheart mentioned would be a great thread to read and can also help to give you a better idea of what is required in a relationship involving BPD.  We have to realize that our partner has an incurable condition and they have special needs in relationships.  There is no right or wrong decision in deciding whether this is a relationship we want to commit to, but if we decide to stay then we have to accept.

[kc sunshine]

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship are great-- I wish I had known about them sooner! I think the question of maintaining a sense of control over your life (and that you are not under her control) is a good one and perhaps separate from the the question of her getting therapy. What would be some concrete things that would signal to you a sense of control over your life?

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[alc]

I ended up running into my gf and her daughter at the mall which was a one in a million chance last night and talked to her.  Mostly talked to her as she was being reserved.  I think that she said some things to try and get a reaction from me and I haven't given her the usual chaotic and crazy drama that I would have in the past and I think that she is confused by it.  she is a drop dead gorgeous woman and yesterday she looked very run down and tired.  she was dressed sharp, but she didn't look her usual self.  my friend noticed also.  she claims that she has several new male friends and she has begun dating already.  This may have been an attempt to get a reaction out of me and I think that she equates jealousy with love and I haven't been acting jealous or chaotic.  I invited her to go to therapy with me and I explained it wsnt about her but me and that I wanted her to come in and hear how I felt and she refused to go.  she said she doesn't want me out of her life she just doesn't want a relationship.  not sure where to go from here.  this all started because she had a BPD moment and thinks I was out at night doing something rong and lying to her.  what do  do?

[valet]

How do you feel about that interaction, alc?

[alc]

about what interaction?  Seeing her and her daughter?   Im not sure how I feel.  I guess in a way it was positive.  At least I got some sense of closure if the relationship really is over.  I still don't know what she wants.  Ive found that she will say one thing then cycle down and do another.  she definitely has me painted black.  the worst part is that I didn't do ANYTHING wrong. not sure if I should pursue her any further.

[valet]

Yeah, about seeing her.

If you feel like you still might be getting the short end of the stick, it might be wise to take some time off from the relationship if you can manage. I think it's always a pretty good thing to only take care of ourselves for a bit if we're feeling stressed. Either way, her behavior sounds confusing. But it's up to you to choose what you're going to do about it.